S/O What do wives do on Purim

watergirl

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:31 am

I'll first start by saying that my family isn't frum, so I can not relate to this [running to family all day] at all. BUT.... (Maybe this is a vent, maybe its a battle cry... so far undecided).

Since when is Purim such a run around day? People are complaining that Purim is the worst day (maybe not all on the thread that inspired this, but we see it every year on here), they are so run ragged between switching off megilla readings, making/packaging/delivering mm, going to parents/inlaws, that women are not enjoying it.

The Purim that I grew up with was very traditional, if not "frum". We went to megilla twice. Dressed up, gave out a few simple mm, got a few simple ones back. No one was thinking about expressing their creativity on the "one day a year when I can do this" (that's a whole other spin off that I might start). We had a seuda type purim meal at shul with a clown for entertainment. Men drank some shnapps. Done. It was awesome! And my mother certainly didnt make herself crazy.

Why on earth do people have to drive all over town to deliver mm? If you have to make a hundred packages, you are doing something wrong. I feel like in a time when BH BH BH we have Rabbonim at our disposal and we run to them with so many other shailas, how many people have asked their rav if what they are doing come Purim time is ok? I am pretty darm sure that NO RAV will tell you that its ok to give your kids rebbe a mm with a huge check inside. Hello - call it hakaras hatov if you want, but its a bribe. Who is asking if its ok to spend like this?

The overall gluttony on Purim is not what the day is about! Spending so much money, right before pesach, is not what its about. How many of us struggle to make pesach, wait for the check from the tzeddaka organizations to arrive just to buy enough food for pesach... and then we read on here that people BRIBE their kids rebbes? So the rebbe can look more favorably on the haves, and not on the have nots?

Now, Purim is about worrying that we might slight someone if we forget to bring them mm. My kids come home with a note from each teacher with instructions on when to come bring them mm! Umm... no thanks. When my son's morahs start calling home with "nachas calls", and taking the extra effort, then I can start to think about it. But the pressure is not normal!

I just dont think that all of this is what the day is about. So for my family, we do old school Purim. <drops>

happybeingamom

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:40 am

Giving a Rebbe or teacher a gift is Hakaras Hatov, not bribery. If you can't travel to the Rebbe you can always give it in school.

I think one of the reasons people give more Shaloch Manos is that the social circles are much bigger. I personally stick to neighbors and that around 40 right there. We do go out a drop to Rebbeim, family and close friends. I don't do a theme (I cook food, deli rolls salads those type ideas. My dh likes to give something that can be used for a seudah) but if someone want to it doesn't bother me.

amother

Puce

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:43 am

// My kids come home with a note from each teacher with instructions on when to come bring them mm! Umm... no thanks. When my son's morahs start calling home with "nachas calls", and taking the extra effort, then I can start to think about it.//

I hear u! And I loved this line!

I succumbed to the intense pressure for a few years and made myself crazy to find the perfect sticker to match the perfect ribbon blah blah and told myself it was creative. Then I looked in the mirror and realized I was doing it to myself and if I want to I can and if I don't, no one will care. OK well my sis in law will, but she'll make snarky comments regardless.

It was so tied up with my desire to be viewed a certain way. Then I realized that I really don't care. Now I do something simple and nice and I enjoy it. If I can bake I do, if not I don't. and I try to say tehillim on purim and use the day for some personal sprituality and beauty amidst the madness. oh and we make our own seudah and don't join the drunken party anymore. g-d I hated that.

basically, I grew up so I express myself my way. if other ppl like the fancy shalach manos and the wild parties, that's great for them. I do what I do. and its great for me.

sky

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 10:53 am

We run around on Purim - and love it.

As a kid I remember just sitting at home bored, We have such a fun Purim, I wouldn't change much (accept the traffic - we started going out earlier and working our scheduled around it)
We have fun at the people's homes we visit, make sure to visit those without visitors (elderly and home bound), my son's have a blast at their rebbeim, daughter feels special visiting teacher, etc.

My kid's have really special teachers. My daughter's teacher just called last night to tell me how fantastic she is doing and her English teacher sends home personalized notes about every 2 - 3 weeks. We hear from my son's rebbeim often as well. I'm happy to show thanks on purim, it isn't a bribe, in fact our Rav recommended we bring our Sons along when bringing it so he should see how important it is to thank a teacher.

If someone is going to bet bogged down in the perfect ribbon, color scheme, matching costumes, and designer Purim sueda then I can see it being a stress. But I don't think many of us care about those details.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:04 am

Like Sky, we run around on Purim and have a good time doing so. I don't stress about making it to everyone on my list - B"H my friends are the type that will still be friends whether I land in their neighborhood or not. I tend to prioritize my kids' teachers, and depending on where they live we make it to various relatives and friends, or not. I keep mm simple and pretty, and add gift cards for the Morahs, who definitely deserve it. We plan out our route and see how far we get, and when it gets late we head home to prepare for the Purim Seuda, either in our home or at one of my SIL's in which case we are usually packaging some stuff we are bringing along. The day ends with family and/or friends, cousins, etc...and too much junk in the house (sigh) but it only comes once a year!

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:07 am

Chayalle wrote:

We do exactly the same...down to the details Very Happy

suzyq

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:18 am

I'm totally a grouch about Purim - and I don't go all out crazy either. I just think there is TOO much to do on Purim, and it all falls on my lap. My kids are little, so I get to plan their costumes, plan, put together and deliver all shaloch manot (but I don't make anything extravagant or fancy, nor do I make 100 of them), cook a seudah, go to megillah twice, etc. And then Shabbos is usually the day before or after... To me, it's just too much. Maybe when my kids get bigger and can really do and plan stuff themselves, it will be easier.

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:37 am

watergirl wrote:

So why do you do it? Thats my question. Why the inlaws, parents, grandparents, rebbes... WHY?

It is a beautiful experience for your children to experience the time with family and for them to go to their rebbes....it is a lifetime memory.
Since you mention that you are a BT it may be hard for you to understand since you did not grow up with it. I am the child of BTs and our non frum relatives lived out of state. My parents adopted "parents" that married them off and were our "frum grandparents"...their children were like my aunts and uncles and their children my first cousins. The highlight of Purim was for us to go to Bobby's seudah and see all the relatives and costumes. It was a lively and lovely experience. Perhaps you should find yourself an adopted family so that your children can at least experience that which you werent able to when you were younger. I just know how much my siblings and I benefited from that

watergirl

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:50 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

You are totally missing my point. When I was younger we had a seuda, at shul, with the rest of the community. Now, we make a seuda and invite people (or we might even get lucky enough to get an invite).

I was asking WHY to the amother who hates all of this. You are all piping in with stories of loving it and thats fantastic! BUT my question is - since when did purim become "hakaras hatov to rebbe day". WHY, for those who hate it all, why do they do it?

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 11:58 am

watergirl wrote:

It's doing more for your child than the rebbe when your child gets to go dressed in his costume and bring shalach manos to his Rebbe who is also usually all dressed up , dance with the Rebbe in his house and get treated with a beautiful shalach manos in return. My parents did not have a car and therefor did not take my brothers to their rebbes on Purim, but they did bring them a nice tip and a note a basket of something AFTER or BEFORE Purim. It is definitely more special for the child to go ON Purim to experience this. I have my DH take photos of my boys every year in their Rebbes house dancing with the Rebbe...these are precious memories and is worth all the struggle to get to their houses with their strict schedules.

water_bear88

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 1:09 pm

Simple1 wrote:

I think there should be a separate "teachers appreciation day".

The idea of Mishloach Manos is to increase friendship - this is straight from the Megilla itself. I don't know why we're adding to the four mitzvos of the day a fifth mitzva of Hakoras Hatov.

This. Honestly, we do fewer than 10 MM. The past few years we've had non-religious neighbors we try to include on our list. That was always one of the highlights for me growing up- I trooped around with siblings Purim morning to deliver to all the close neighbors, many of whom were older and several not Orthodox. I have far fonder memories of that than the rushed trips to our many teachers' houses, who were likely as not out by the time we got to their neighborhoods, and I'm sure we gave a lot of simcha to neighbors who otherwise only celebrated the Yamim Noraim and maybe a Pesach seder.

spring13

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 4:12 pm

When I was a kid we had fun running around delivering MM and so on, but were under no expectation of visiting every teacher or whatever: we delivered to teachers who were also friends, but it was just a delivery, not a social call. I really hope I can get away with skipping that for my own kids, because while I see that it's a nice thing to do, it sounds like it must be impossible to coordinate when you have a bunch of older kids and I'm just not interested in adding a bajillion extra steps to the day. I don't mind being busy, I love Purim - but no need to make it extra complicated.

Rutabaga

Wed, Feb 17 2016, 6:05 pm

Last year I was home with an infant on Purim. IIRC it was snowing, so I didn't want to take the baby out unnecessarily. It was such a quiet boring day that it barely felt like Purim to me.

I enjoy putting together m"m with DH. We cook and/or bake something we think our families will enjoy. We give m"m to our neighborhood friends through the shul and deliver our own m"m mostly to family and a couple of non-neighborhood friends who still live close enough to visit (no more than 24 total). DD is allowed to deliver only to friends in the neighborhood and we bring a few extra in case we run into friends at her morah. The school collects money to give the teachers m"m (optional), so we don't bring anything to the morah - she gives the girls m"m or treats. The girls love seeing their morahs out of school and showing off their costumes.

We always go to family for the seuda, so I don't have to worry about making it myself. We usually bring dessert and side dishes that we can make in advance. The seuda is lively but no one is ever drunk. We get home on the late side for the kids but not unreasonably so. We go through the m"m we receive and put aside a good portion of stuff that we won't or shouldn't eat to be donated to Tomchei Shabbos.