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-> Parenting our children
amother
Coffee
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Sun, Apr 03 2016, 11:11 pm
Lately I get so fast frustrated when my kids ignore me,I'd rather wish they tell me no I don't wanna do it but don't ignore me the only way they listen is if I SCREAM.
I hate myself for doing it and I feel like I'm loosing control of my self. Yes I have a lot on my head now but it's not an excuse every time I'll have a stressful situations I'll loss it
Please help me with tips
1) keep My cools
2) make my kids listen
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sunshine5
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Sun, Apr 03 2016, 11:41 pm
Thanks op for posting. Same exact situation here. Waiting along with you for sound advice.
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Ashrei
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 12:07 am
My kids ignore me a lot because I sound like white noise to them already (which I admit, they sound like to me). But if I go up to them (yes shelp over to where they are) and stand in front of them and hold their shoulder in my hand and look right into their eyes, and speak to them with a smile regarding my request, asking in the nicest possible way (please, would you, kindly, etc), they generally smile and are quick to oblige. To me the whole charade seems exaggerated, but it seems to be what they need, and go me for modelling such good behavior (the 2 times a week I have the patience to actually do this)
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amother
Coffee
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 12:58 am
Ashrei wrote: | My kids ignore me a lot because I sound like white noise to them already (which I admit, they sound like to me). But if I go up to them (yes shelp over to where they are) and stand in front of them and hold their shoulder in my hand and look right into their eyes, and speak to them with a smile regarding my request, asking in the nicest possible way (please, would you, kindly, etc), they generally smile and are quick to oblige. To me the whole charade seems exaggerated, but it seems to be what they need, and go me for modelling such good behavior (the 2 times a week I have the patience to actually do this) |
Thanks Ashrei, but I stand in front of them and I ask nicely please come out of the bath, nothing doing, I see you wrote that you put your hands on there shoulder I'll try that tomorrow
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magenta
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 2:43 am
Make them repeat your request.
What did mommy just say? Or, do you know what you're supposed to do now?
To get them to dress quickly in the morning, I ask are you wearing your undershirt... Are you wearing your pants... Somehow they always want to answer, yes. So they hurry up and get dressed.
Instead of nagging them to do your bidding, get them to think independently about what they're supposed to do.
And don't forget positive reinforcement.
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FranticFrummie
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 8:08 am
Whisper. It's more intimidating, and forces them to focus in order to hear you.
DD knows that when my voice gets very low and calm, that she's in HUGE trouble!
I always tell her "If you're yelling, you've already lost the argument." This keeps her from yelling at me, too.
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amother
Coffee
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 8:49 am
Thank you magenta and frummie for your advice.
I have tried whispering before it doesn't work for my kids, cause the older one has a real issue with listening from when he was a baby cause he's very absent minded and he really won't hear
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amother
Coffee
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 8:50 am
And I like the way you make your dd stop yelling.
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the world's best mom
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 9:02 am
FranticFrummie wrote: | I always tell her "If you're yelling, you've already lost the argument." This keeps her from yelling at me, too. |
Love this.
Yelling happens because you are frustrated and don't know any better ways to get your kids to listen to you. Read a parenting book, get some ideas, and you'll feel more in control.
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amother
Lavender
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 9:05 am
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Mama Bear
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 11:29 am
Intention and visualization help a lot.
Before you start asking them the stuff you want done, stop for a second, take a deep breath, and picture yourself being an immovable mountain. You'll feel strength fill you. then picture your child doing the task you want him to do. Then, in a calm firm manner no screaming, go talk to them.
Children feel when their parent is desperate or helpless or frustrated and they automatically resist. Firm authority is harder to resist.
I can't guarantee that it will work for you immediately or 100%, but it's one of Dina's Friedman's methods.
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myym
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Mon, Apr 04 2016, 1:46 pm
Once you tell them to do something be sure to make it happen. For example of you tell your child to come out of the bath and they dont listen, tell them they can come out on their own or you will take them out. And then lift them out (obviously not for older children.) When its not a bath situation then even with an older child you can take them to do what it was you wanted, like put your socks in the hamper etc. Once they see you will actually follow through on what you are asking they will listen better. Also say it once only
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salt
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Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:18 am
How old are they? If they are too little this may not work. I sometimes ask my kids, after everything has calmed down
"I'm sorry I screamed at you. I wish you would listen to me without me needing to scream. What do you think I should do next time I want you to come out of the bath, if you don't listen - do you have any ideas?"
If they have an idea - great, if their idea is not feasible, or they don't have any ideas, you could give them suggestions to choose from:
"would you like me to give you 3 minutes notice?"
"do you think I should just pull out the plug?"
etc.
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PurpleLady
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Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:24 pm
There are some great ideas in this book (my friend wrote it, and it's free this week!):
http://geni.us/3l12
It's called "Parenting the Strong-willed Child Now." All the ideas are sensible and based on research, and it's an easy, pleasant read. (You can also pick and choose which chapters you're interested in, so you don't have to read the whole thing.)
One idea from here that has helped me is when they don't listen, "playing detective" - getting curious about why they're not listening. (I know, I know, they're supposed to listen regardless...) but it helps me not to get emotionally reactive when I'm being more "scientific" about it.
And I've actually gotten some good answers from stepping back and asking myself why, and after a week of this, I had them listening 90% of the time.
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