UPDATED MARCH 2018 Guests JUST asked to come for Seder

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Crimson

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:29 pm

A newlywed-ish couple just asked to join us for a seder. I dont know them so well, and they actually have local family, so I am assuming that if they are asking me, who they arent close with, if they can come, I cant really say no. Right?

Thing is, were broke and we actually are receiving tzedakka to afford pesach this year. We are doing it bear bones. How do I tactfully tell her "yes you can come. Were having a tiny meal (soup, fish, chicken, kugel, veg, brownies thats it) and can you please bring your own wine and matza?

Script and etiquette please!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:34 pm

If you have room at your table, it would be a lovely mitzvah, and you might make some new friends.

There is nothing wrong with asking guests to bring their own wine and matza. I've been a guest many times, and I'm always asked to bring, and I've never felt insulted by it. I've also been asked to bring some ingredients, fresh fruit, or a side dish (depending on whether they mix outside food or not.)

Sometimes I'll bring a packaged cake that is KLP and non gebrokts. That's easy to find at the store, and helps fill out the menu. If not, you can always have it with your coffee the next morning.

By asking them to contribute, you're actually making it more comfortable for them to come, because they won't feel like a charity case or a burden.

Seas

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:36 pm

amother wrote:

Set up a gofundme and I'll donate the cost of the couple.

doctorima

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:37 pm

Yes, if they're inviting themselves to you this week when they have local family, there's probably a delicate family situation they're trying to avoid, and you should try your utmost to accommodate. At the same time, you don't need to create additional financial pressure on yourself, but I also don't think you need to mention that to them and make them feel bad.

I would just say, "Thanks so much, we would love to have you! The only thing is that I already did my matzah and wine shopping, so would you mind bringing your own?" As for the small meal, honestly, by that point in the seder, we're usually in such a rush and so tired that nobody's paying attention to what you serve, so I wouldn't worry about it or mention it at all.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:40 pm

You can decline in a polite way, say you have no place for additional guests or something like that. Don't ask them to bring their food because they maybe can't afford it and will not know what to do. I'm sure they will find another family to host them, and you can even help them to do so.
Signed a newlywed-ish wife who's unfortunately in a very difficult financial situation and needs a place for the Seder, and has no problem if her friends have no place for her and her DH.

Seas

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:43 pm

amother wrote:

It helps if you write your location. You might get someone here who'll invite you.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:50 pm

Seas wrote:

It helps if you write your location. You might get someone here who'll invite you.

If you're in the north of Israel, I'd invite you!

tichellady

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 2:59 pm

amother wrote:

Your meal doesn't actually sound tiny to me. Do you want to have them or not? If you want to have them say " we would love to have you, please bring your own wine and matzah". That's very standard ( at least where I live). If you don't want to have them, then you can say that you aren't up to having guests this year. They are being blunt and you can be too. You can try to find them a place for Seder or they can have it just the two of them. It will be fine.

mummiedearest

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 3:02 pm

op, I always have a big seder, but the meal is always small. chicken soup, potato kugel, brownies. that's pretty much it. two extras for a pot of soup is not a big deal. definitely tell them to bring matza and wine.

Iymnok

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 3:13 pm

My own sister is coming to me and I asked her to bring her own wine and matza.
Who these days actually gets to do "kol dichfin..."?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 3:15 pm

Iymnok wrote:

My own sister is coming to me and I asked her to bring her own wine and matza.
Who these days actually gets to do "kol dichfin..."?

I miss having sedarim at your mom's house. She is so much fun!

oliveoil

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 4:41 pm

If that's your tiny meal, I'm curious what you would consider a big or even normal size meal.

I don't think you need to worry about the meal aspect at all.

And it's totally normal and expected for guests to bring their own wine and matzah. No need to feel funny about asking.

Raisin

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 5:30 pm

oliveoil wrote:

I also think 4 courses is bigger then average, but I've seen menus posted where people serve several salads with the fish, chicken and meat, several sides, a choice of desserts.

Personally I never serve more then 3 courses but I do often serve multiple sides.

egam

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 8:57 pm

Iymnok wrote:

My own sister is coming to me and I asked her to bring her own wine and matza.
Who these days actually gets to do "kol dichfin..."?

My seder guests are always not frum, so I don't ask them to bring anything.
But for the rest, the etiquette is to bring your own matzoh and wine. Don't know if I would have the guts to tell them though.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 9:08 pm

your meal is exactly what I'll be serving. It's fine and quite filling especially with all the matzah that we'll be eating.

Ask if she minds bringing matzah - that's the most expensive thing on the menu!

Many people are benefiting from tzedakah organizations. B"H they are here when we need them. Don't feel bad ... it's you and hundreds of others. It will actually be very nice to be on the giving end when you are also on the receiving end. They aren't coming for the food. They are coming because they think they will enjoy being in your house with your family.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 9:35 pm

Thank you everyone, especially Seas for your kind offer, although I wont be taking you up on it, its very kind.

They are coming and itll be fine.

amother

Black

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 9:40 pm

So nice you are hosting them.
Hope you have a nice yom tov. And may your situation improve ASAP.

Iymnok

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 1:32 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I miss having sedarim at your mom's house. She is so much fun!

So come to us!
Let me know soon to arrange sleeping.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 8:43 am

Op here. I just came across this thread and I decided to update.

I told the couple to come and bring their own matza and wine. They brought his kids from his first marriage and I didnt know they were coming. Fine no prob. It was fine.

Over the next year, every now and then they’d ask to come for shabbos. Fine. We invited them a few times here and there. Then the next year they asked to come for a seder again because she was due to give birth. I said ok but brinf matza and wine and I double checked - no kids were coming. Then the day before, she tells me her family is coming from oot and can they come. Ok I had no choice. So she went into labor. The mom calls me literally erev pesach and asks Can the kids come? I said no, I knew they were going to their mothers, and as the parents would be in the hospital, I had no problem saying no, I already cooked and cant afford more chicken, and plus, the kids were expected at their own moms! And I reminded them to bring wine/matza. They show up at the seder with nothing. Not only that, one person was fuming because I didnt her her GF matza. Hello - she was asked to bring her own! She didnt! She is 25. No one told me she is GF. Then the following seder, they showed up again!!! Uninvited! Fine. They were actually supposed to go to someone else for the seder but wanted to come to us instead and showed up after we’d already started. We made room.

This year they asked me if they could come for a seder. I had no problem saying NO.

rivkam

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 9:08 am

Wow some people have questionable boundaries... you handled it well though.

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next