Abuse or bad parenting?

amother

Orange

Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:02 pm

My children were with my exdh this shabbos. The temperature was approx 100 degrees but he still decided to walk with them 1.5 miles to his brother's house and then another 1.5 miles to his mother. My oldest who is 10 said she wanted to go but my youngest who is 7 said she didn't and told him so. Both children said he brought water bottles but did not let them drink till they got to his brother because he didn't want to keep stopping.

Of course I'm very upset! I usually never speak negatively about their father to them but I explained to the kids calmly that even if they think it sounds fun they should never walk so far in such heat as it could be dangerous. I texted Xdh who of course said it was fun and they were fine.

So do you think this is abuse or bad parenting?

mommy3b2c

Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:46 pm

Not letting them drink sounds very abusive to me.

Last edited by mommy3b2c on Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:57 pm; edited 1 time in total

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:49 pm

Not abuse. Just stupid dangerous parenting. It was so hot shabbos! My area looked like a ghost town. Send him an article about heatstrokes.

imasinger

Mon, Aug 15 2016, 11:40 pm

Ugh.

The part that is problematic is that he didn't let them drink because he was impatient.

Other than that, if they are in good health, had sunscreen and hats, rested along the way, and we're properly hydrated before leaving, they were probably not in any danger. Even with the high temps.

What time of day was this?

amother

Orange

Mon, Aug 15 2016, 11:57 pm

Op here

Thanks for all the responses. So it seems most people are leaning towards it being stupid and dangerous. I think the reason he didn't let them drink is as imasinger said-he was being impatient. I hate to assume but I doubt they wore sunscreen or hats. Safe to say he didn't let them rest as he was too impatient to let them drink. They may have drank before leaving. I don't really want to interrogate them on the details.

I do like flowerpowers idea about sending him an article on heatstrokes. Unfortunately this is not the first of stupid, inappropriate decisions. Right now I just keep a record of everything.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 1:17 am

I assume you were in the NorthEast where there were severe heat warnings? To the amother who said it wasn't dangerous, the actual Real Feel temperature on Shabbat was between 110-115 degrees. That is dangerous and people CAN die of heat stroke if they do not get enough water and their body cannot cool off.
I'm not sure how one defines abuse, but even if it wasn't intentional, that is at the very best reckless endangerment. From the way you're posting, it sounds like your dh is more clueless than evil, but even so, your children deserve to be protected. Are you still sorting out custody, because that is definitely something I would raise to the children's attorney.

amother

Denim

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 6:33 am

He showed a deep lack of empathy towards his children in this situation, which may be considered abuse. Certainly his actions were Abusive, even if his intentions were selfish. By nature, caring for children requires empathy, common sense, and a focus on their health and well being, all of which was lacking here.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 6:53 am

My ex was similar.

The need to control, and the personal factors that blocked his ability to step into another's shoes was part of why there was a divorce in the first place. Ya gotta love that defense of "they were completely fine, you worry about everything, you're such a nitpicker," which totally ignores reality.

However, one has to be careful about not making things worse. I can share more via pm if you would like.

amother

Orange

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 11:03 am

Op

Good point about the lack of empathy. Didn't think about that but yes, he has never shown the ability to be empathetic. We've been divorced for several years and I have custody but he has visitation every other weekend. My children are in therapy and their therapists thought I should document instances like this in case I need to go back to court. I don't really want to rock the boat unnecessarily but will do so to protect my kids.

Imasinger I know what you mean about being careful not to make things worse. That's my fear. If you don't mind pming me I could definitely use some advice in regards to that. Thanks!

imasinger

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 12:54 pm

amother wrote:

I can't pm you because you are posting as amother.

If you don't want to pm me, and want to reach out anonymously, you can create an email account and reach me at imamotherfriends@gmail.com

Marion

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 1:02 pm

We had that one Shabbat. Youngest DS had not gone as he was already sick from the heat and I kept him home; 2nd youngest DS came home sick. Same story, long walk to a relative's for lunch, with hats & water (he did let them drink though). I think it was just poor judgement...he should have cancelled those plans before Shabbat rather than feeling he *had* to show up because they were expecting him.

amother

Tan

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 1:14 pm

Why are there so many men that have no thinking or emotions? Don't have empathy or caring? My ex was and still is. It just drives me crazy when I read about so many such people

sourstix

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 1:17 pm

Op no one knows your ex so no one an tell you if it's clueless bordering neglect or its malicious abuse. You know him best you should be able to tell what this is. From a outsiders pov. It's neglect and uncaring bordering abuse. Ignoring children's request for a drink in this heat is abusive.

amother

Orange

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 4:36 pm

Op.

Thanks again for helping me sort this out. I know it wasn't malicious. I guess to define it better, abuse would be more intentional whereas this was neglect, child endangerment, and immature.

greenfire

Tue, Aug 16 2016, 6:29 pm

it's unfair for the burden to lay on them, but sometimes you have to empower the kids with information ... I.e. drink water no matter what anybody says - don't go out in the heat - don't ride a bike with shabbos clothing - so forth & so on