Parenting a sensitive internalizer

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 11:14 am

My 2 year old is very quiet and passive. He talks at home to me but not in playgroup. The playgroup morah is worried that she has to physically bring him into activity otherwise he doesn't participate at all.

He never tries to take other kids toys. If they take his he just plays with something else. Doesn't try to defend himself ever.

He is a very GOOD kid. If I say no he reacts like he was physically hurt. He seems to internalize it because he'll stand there wanting to do it saying no no.

Sometimes he'll protest like leaving the park but once he's in the stroller he gives up.

We are both easy going personalities so he doesn't see any conflict at home. But I want him to express when he wants something instead of just distracting himself.

My husband has a lot of anger from when he was a kid. He says he has this personality and was always overlooked.

Any advice?

imasinger

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 4:36 pm

It's hard to project what a 2 year old will be like in 5 or 10 or 20 years, and important to try not to.

I have seen shy 2 year olds who stayed that way, and others who by age 8 became the life of the party.

You can build skills by having him play with other kids in your home, under your watchful eye. Also by you and DH modeling how to speak up for yourself, even if you have to play-act. ("Hey, I wasn't done with my fork yet!". "Oh, oops, sorry, here you go.")

A good Morah can help draw him out, too. And make sure he gets turns with toys. She should be saying, "X, OP's DS had that. It's his turn. You can have it in a few minutes."

If that's not happening, it might be wise to seek a different place for him. But don't be too worried just yet.

The year only just started. If he is adjusting to a new playgroup, he may need a little time.

In the meantime, be sure to praise his good qualities. There's nothing wrong with being flexible, as long as you know you're permitted to be firm when it's important enough to you.

seeker

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 4:40 pm

Going only by your description, sounds normal enough for a 2-year-old. I think the most beneficial thing you could do is probably for DH to get therapy to overcome his childhood wounds so he can stop projecting his own feelings onto the baby.

Keep loving him, keep parenting him, give him some time.

I'm going to assume he's your oldest. Sometimes oldests take longer to develop a backbone because they don't grow up with much competition built into their lives. It's OK. You can go ahead with modeling and encouraging assertiveness, without actually worrying about it or pushing it.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Sep 23 2016, 12:28 pm

Imasinger:
I think you are right that he needs more time. He holds tightly to me in the morning and I leave as soon as he starts playing. I say goodbye but he doesn't acknowledge. If he actually sees me leaving he gets hysterical.

Seeker, I agree about my husband identifying too much with him. Therapy is not an option. But I hope it will improve as he gets older.

Rachel, I hear you. Ill try not to label him.

gp2.0

Fri, Sep 23 2016, 1:03 pm

He seems to be having appropriate reactions - getting upset when you leave him, getting upset when leaving the park.

As for not sticking up for himself about toys, maybe he just doesn't care. Or it hasn't occurred to him that he can stick up for himself - maybe he's not developmentally there yet. Also, 2 year olds are not expected to be able to play in groups - some do, some don't, but 2 year olds are expected to play beside each other but not with each other, developmentally speaking.