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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
White
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 6:29 am
If you sit with the aveilim for say 1/2 an hour during Shiva and hug them because that's what they wanted and let them talk and be sad and so on, do you also send a card? It somehow seems tacky. Or the aveillim get comfort from the card as well?
#cluelessaboutthesethingsthanksforyourhelp
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imasinger
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 6:54 am
It's never tacky to send a condolence card.
Would this wording work?
"Dear Aveil,
Although I saw you and hugged you, I wanted to say something in writing, too.
I'm so sorry for your loss... (Continue on with any personal message you wish to convey)."
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amother
White
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 6:57 am
Thanks imasinger.
Great answer.
As usual .
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Ruchel
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 10:43 am
I've unfortunately had my share this last year lo alenu, and didn't see cards. people come or do phone
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animeme
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 10:48 am
I didn't see cards either, except for donation cards (which were for unspecified amounts, so they could be as low as $5, and were very appreciated.)
I did get texts from people telling me they were thinking of me, particularly after shiva, and they were very appreciated.
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amother
White
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 2:26 pm
To those who say "they didn't see cards" , do you mean
You were disappointed you didn't get cards
Or
Cards are inappropriate.
This particular situation is a tragedy where really almost the only appropriate word is.... (silence ). so it's very hard to know what to put on a card. Maybe if I wait a week or so something will come to me.
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amother
Burlywood
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 5:12 pm
Why would you feel the need to send a card if you paid a shiva call?
PPl have sent us emails or letters since they couldnt come.
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zaq
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 6:17 pm
It's never wrong to send a card. I wouldn't feel it necessary if I made a shiva call but it's a nice thing to do if you like, especially if it's a handwritten sentiment and the Avelim are the sort of people who hang on to such things. Too, unless they have a guest book to sign, Avelim may not remember everyone who came, so if you mention in your card that you were there it also helps.
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amother
White
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 6:28 pm
zaq wrote: | ....., Avelim may not remember everyone who came, so if you mention in your card that you were there it also helps. |
Really? You think it helps the avel , and is not just sort of saying "I'm fabulous I came to the Shiva house"? Interesting. How would you word it?
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Laiya
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 9:02 pm
I think if you have any specific memories or any nice thing you can say about the niftar, it's a huge chessed to send a written note.
Otherwise, a text is very nice too. You can just say you want the avel to know they're in your thoughts. Grief makes people feel alone, so just for the avel to know someone is thinking about them is very kind.
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zaq
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Tue, Dec 13 2016, 10:03 pm
amother wrote: | Really? You think it helps the avel , and is not just sort of saying "I'm fabulous I came to the Shiva house"? Interesting. How would you word it? |
Dear Shuey and family,
After I came back from your dear father's shiva, I remembered a few things about him that I wanted to share with you. You may not know that he.....
Or
Dear Shaindy and Shuey,
I want to tell you some private things that I did not want to share with the other people who were at your mother's shiva. When I was a teenage rebel at risk, your mother...
Or
Dear Mary and Joseph,
I was still too stunned at Yehoshua's shiva to be able to express my condolences. Is it even possible to comfort parents on the loss of a beloved son? I don't know but...
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Ruchel
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Wed, Dec 14 2016, 6:43 am
Well I racked my brain...
There were
visits (mostly close friends and family and some neighbours)
phone calls
EMAILS from those abroad
even some FB messages /posts
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animeme
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Wed, Dec 14 2016, 6:55 am
Cards were not inappropriate, and I wouldn't have a problem getting them. I just didn't.
Situations like you describe are difficult. You do whatever you do, and it still doesn't seem like enough, so you try to figure it what else you can do.
When there are no words, I would go with a card or text telling the avel you are still thinking of them. It's kind of the equivalent of sitting down at a shiva without speaking. You're there, you make no demands or say anything that might not be well received just then. You simply communicate your support. For the avel, this type of support is invaluable.
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