How to tell people I'm [getting] divorced?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Puce

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 4:39 pm

The only time I've ever been on the receiving end of this kind of news was extremely awkward. I met someone I hadn't seen in a while and asked about his wife... Anyway, I don't really want to be dealing with that for the next few years.

As far as I know no one knows about our issues.

I don't really have an issue with close friends (It will still be awkward but I'll deal with just telling them straight out) and I already had a conversation with my kids' schools so they know my kids might need extra TLC, but I mean the general community, acquaintances, friends who I'm friendly with but don't talk to about personal stuff regularly.

There are community newsletters for things like mazal tovs and funerals, but nothing that covers divorce. And I HATE awkwardness.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 4:50 pm

Tell your friends and family to spread the word. (and not to tell any details). The grapevine is honestly the best way. I have a relative who got divorced 2 months ago and I was really grateful that his sister called to tell me a week before a big family wedding, so it wouldn't be awkward.

Second best is to post it in facebook - my friend did this to make sure everyone really knew. Might be too awkward for some.

amother

Puce

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 5:12 pm

I was thinking of posting on facebook. I'm a little shy about that but it would probably be the most efficient, especially since most of my good friends don't live in the same community so there wouldn't be much grapevine overlap. What did your friend write on Facebook that wasn't extremely awkward?

That was really smooth of your relative. I should have asked in my OP too, I don't know how to tell my family... only one of my immediate relatives even knows that there are issues. I guess I can ask her to do some constructive gossiping. But I don't think it would be fair for her to be the one to tell my parents and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that either! Or when! Ugh!

While this is not the hardest part about getting divorced by a very long shot, it just may turn out to be the most annoying!

singleagain

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 5:26 pm

first of all, you should not feel obligated to explain your entire story and the reasons you came to this split. my favorite line that I heard after my news had spread was "100% of divorces start with marriage, I wouldn't be getting divorced had I not gotten married" as a response to the inevitable, "oh my, what happened?" question

second... I had a few ppl [including parents] who were close to me and helping me throughout the ordeal, and telling my parents to tell the community was one of the most helpful things... even had my mom tell one person, when I was right there, bc I just couldn't.

third, on fb, I simply changed my status from married to divorced. my name on fb from married to maiden, I don't remember if ppl commented on it... I'm not on fb that much. but it did seem the simplest thing to do

tichellady

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 5:47 pm

wishing you the best!

my friend posted on facebook something like this: " john and I are no longer together. our decision to divorce is not something we would like to discuss. thanks for your support!"

tichellady

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 5:49 pm

amother

Puce

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 6:17 pm

singleagain wrote:

I was never intending to explain anything. I REALLY don't ever want to go down that route. There are some aspects that I know the gossips will feed on but the truth is that is never the whole story, is it? And it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. But even without explanations, people are going to have to know something. Even just logistically, stuff changes. They won't be able to reach him at my number anymore...

I love the statistic there.

My parents are going to be completely unhelpful in this and I don't have siblings I can count on either. I have an aunt who may be able to "grapevine" her side of the family.

FB status is a great idea. I didn't realize that divorced was an option, I have only ever seen married or not. I don't know if people get notifications about that kind of thing but having it out there is a step in the right direction I guess. I don't think I'll change my name back because my kids have my husband's last name and unless I get remarried I think it will be more comfortable for them to just keep ours the same.

amother

Amber

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 7:37 pm

Good luck OP with all of the impending changes.

It seems you haven't told your parents.
I think it would be good to get advice on how to tell them and deal with them before being concerned about the community.

While I don't have any advice about "getting the word out there", I think that if it comes up in conversation for some reason, you can mention to the person something like, "Shimon and I are no longer married. We're all adjusting, and doing okay for the most part." and smile and continue the conversation. You provided necessary information and also sort of answered "how are you doing" and there is nothing more to add to the conversation. Hopefully that will be the least awkward you can hope for.

Perhaps practice with someone, have them role play awkward scenarios that can come up, and come up with things to say that are comfortable for you. (I've done this to prepare myself for other awkward scenarios such as meeting people in my community after having a stillborn baby in my ninth month. I was so nervous about encounters and what they'd say and what I'd say, it was making me nervous to meet people. I imagined all the uncomfortable/awkward/hurtful/nosy things they'd say, came up with lines to counter those things, and had someone role play with me and I actually practiced the lines Smile

)

trixx

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 7:40 pm

If you're on a whatsapp group with friends you can also just write something matter of factly: heads up I'm getting divorced, spread the news. Awkward but less awkward than potential future awkward run ins.

It's not the same at all but I remember when a friend broke off her very high profile engagement, she told a few people to gossip it out. I got the memo like "hey__ is no longer engaged. Not a secret"

amother

Orange

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 7:46 pm

People find out. I don't know exactly how but word gets around. I'm thinking of people I know, not people I'm especially close to. I dont' remember exactly how I heard or when I found out but I'm aware of their status.

You should inform people directly if you're close to them. If you're not that close, don't worry, they'll find out one way or another.

singleagain

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 8:06 pm

amother wrote:

re the fb status: the main statuses are:. single. in a relationship. engaged. married. divorced. it's complicated. == not sure if they've changed it

before everything was signed and done, my ex had actually changed his status from married to single, and I remember one of his friends commenting st like "what happened?" don't remember what he responded, if he did... but it bothered me that he didn't put divorced... it was like he was trying to deny our marriage had happened. --- we didn't have kids so I was changing my name back anyway.

re parents... I can only send major hugs, and I can't imagine what a mess I would have been if I didn't have their support... please surround yourself with ppl who will support you in whatever ways you most need it

re explaining ... I hate rehashing my story, and only do so when I think it will help others, like, I've posted about it here and there, but otherwise it really does not matter.. in that you are 100% right... which is why I when I heard that line, I thought, it was brilliant, bc it was a great way to put unhelpful gossips in their place. ---

for logistics. write a list of ppl/agencies that need to know, schools, work, sitters, etc and call them with your new info, just "hi, I needed to change my number/address/bank details etc" don't even have to give too much detail ---- if it's ppl calling you to reach him, they say "hi can I speak to mr x" "I'm sorry mr x cannot be reached at this number anymore. you can reach him at his new number" --- he should update his own info.

SixOfWands

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 8:16 pm

tichellady wrote:

" After a great deal of thought and consideration, john and I ~~are no longer together~~have decided to divorce . our decision to divorce is not taken lightly, and was made only after a great deal of consideration on both of our parts. Out of respect for our families and for one another, we do not intend to discuss the reasons for our decision. I can still be reached at the same home, but John has moved on. If you need to reach either of us, please do so privately. ~~something we would like to discuss.~~ thanks for your support!"

momX4

Tue, Dec 13 2016, 10:43 pm

I have an acquaintance whose DH worked with my DH. I knew they got divorced. When I bumped into to her one day the first thing she said was "did you hear that I got divorced?" It took all the weirdness away.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 7:57 am

amother wrote:

My friend posted on FB "Just wanted everyone to know that we have gotten a divorce and it was the right decision for us. Thanks."

Good luck telling your parents, I have no advice on that. Just be matter of fact and be ok telling them you don't want to talk about it right now, but that it was the right decision for you.

There's no way to tell people without it being awkward / uncomfortable, so when people ask what happened or have questions, don't be afraid to assert your needs (including, 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'I feel I made the right decision for our family, and your unquestioning support would mean a lot to me right now'). Good luck. ..

amother

Natural

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 9:18 am

Good luck

Luckily by me some people knew that we were getting Or already divorced before we even made the decision.... Wink

It's not an easy place to be in. All the unknown and there will be people who find out later. But it's important to let those know earlier the ones who you don't want it to find out from the street.
Have you got a sibling you are close with? Maybe they could half prepare your parents or even if you bring it up first as an eventuality that it might happen one day before you drop the bombshell.
I had a sister telling the other siblings which made it easier.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 1:34 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, if you change your FB status, a lot of people will notice. But your dilemma will be will you change it to "divorced" or "single"? Wink

Hatzlacha.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 1:49 pm

I think that it may make sense to post something on FB - I like the edited version of the announcement that Six of Wands posted.

On the subject of FB and divorce, other than the initial announcement, I'd be very thoughtful about what you post to FB. A prominent couple in our community divorced recently and it has been ugly on FB. While neither has said anything outright rude or bad or nasty about the other, people who are friends with both feel as though the couple has a FB war going on about who can look like they are having the happiest, most awesome life. Also, they do re-post or "like" things that look like underhanded insults to the other.

It is dreadful.

Another couple who divorced recently is pretty active on FB, but they haven't come off this way at all. They have only posted things pertaining to their own life, their personal interests (knitting or cats or whatnot) and don't seem to react to one another. They also post nice messages to one another on birthdays, etc, saying "Kids wishing a happy birthday to their Aba" or something like that. It takes the weirdness out and doesn't make the whole community really uncomfortable.

So my advice is to be thoughtful about FB posts after the divorce. But I'm sure you thought of that already! Good luck during this difficult transition.

singleagain

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 2:45 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, if you change your FB status, a lot of people will notice. But your dilemma will be will you change it to "divorced" or "single"? Wink

Hatzlacha.

There is no question. You change it to "divorced" .... Two reason, one it's hurtful to try and pretend your marriage never happened, see my above post abt my ex. Two, as a divorced woman cannot marry a Cohen, I have seen schidduchim made on fb. Save a lot of heartache but knowing that

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 3:03 pm

Im so sorry for the death of a dream! In the beginning I told people but then they started bringing shiduchim so I just Dont offer info. If they ask oh you moved back to USA I just say yes but nothing more. If its someone I will be working with at work I just tell them ,so they dont ask me any uncomfortable questions. Family I told right away. Friends I didnt tell besides very close ones.

UnFarvosNischt

Wed, Dec 14 2016, 5:35 pm

I have a friend who updated her whatsapp status to "divorced but happy", I think just for a day or too. It was enough for people to see it and then to let spread the news.
Wishing you luck for this new beginning!

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