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Forum
-> Interesting Discussions
Which style of marriage would you prefer?
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One in which I have no authority and/or rights of decision making, but in which I also have no responsibility to take care of myself and all my (physical) needs are taken care of |
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5% |
[ 9 ] |
One in which I have equal rights in decisions, but also full responsibility to take care of myself and equal responsibility to contribute (physically) to the marriage/family |
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94% |
[ 152 ] |
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Total Votes : 161 |
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Mothers
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 11:52 am
Which style of marriage would you prefer?
1- in which you have no authority and/or rights of decision making, but in which you also have no responsibility to take care of yourself and all your (financial) needs are taken care of
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2- in which you have equal rights in decisions, but also full responsibility to take care of yourself and equal responsibility to contribute (financially) to the marriage/family
Last edited by Mothers on Mon, Jan 16 2017, 4:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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shabbatiscoming
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 11:56 am
Im wonder why anyone would want number 1?
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MagentaYenta
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 11:58 am
Huh? Who would want #1? Why deny your own autonomy and agency?
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19
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wondergirl
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 11:58 am
The first option sounds just like how someone would treat a dog, why would anyone want to be treated like that?
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25
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amother
Smokey
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:06 pm
The first does not sound like a marriage style at all.
Even a 2 year old child has more autonomy than that.
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MagentaYenta
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:19 pm
#1 is also unrealistic. What mother could get through a day without any decision making? Would you have to put all your daily decisions aside until your lord and master came home?
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Maya
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:20 pm
I imagine the OP means financial security and comfort, not actually giving up the need to physically take care of oneself. That's not even possible.
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imasoftov
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:21 pm
In the second choice I would amend "full responsibility to take care of myself" to we each take care of each other and "equal responsibility to contribute (physically) to the marriage/family" to "we come to an agreement on how to divide responsibilities" (and it's not a contract that can't be amended at need, or that we need to keep score)
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peanut butter c
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:40 pm
Maya wrote: | I imagine the OP means financial security and comfort, not actually giving up the need to physically take care of oneself. That's not even possible. |
Of course it's possible, if you are an invalid, in a coma, and maybe locked up in prison. But seriously, op, your question or poll concerns me. What compelled you to create this poll?
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animeme
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:40 pm
There is a strong cultural difference between 1 and 2. Imagine a world in which the woman knows that she will never be expected to share the financial burden of the family, that she stays home with the kids and is always able to go to the plays or help with homework or stay home with a sick child. No double shift. You know exactly what's expected of you, and dh knows what's expected of him. He will provide for you and the children financially, and make sure you have a good, safe place to live. He won't ask you where it should be, but will make sure it will happen.
Maybe this sounds horrible to you. But it's normal life in a lot of places around the world.
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pause
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:44 pm
animeme wrote: | There is a strong cultural difference between 1 and 2. Imagine a world in which the woman knows that she will never be expected to share the financial burden of the family, that she stays home with the kids and is always able to go to the plays or help with homework or stay home with a sick child. No double shift. You know exactly what's expected of you, and dh knows what's expected of him. He will provide for you and the children financially, and make sure you have a good, safe place to live. He won't ask you where it should be, but will make sure it will happen.
Maybe this sounds horrible to you. But it's normal life in a lot of places around the world. |
I don't see the above as an example of no decision-making and no responsibility.
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peanut butter c
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 12:47 pm
animeme wrote: | There is a strong cultural difference between 1 and 2. Imagine a world in which the woman knows that she will never be expected to share the financial burden of the family, that she stays home with the kids and is always able to go to the plays or help with homework or stay home with a sick child. No double shift. You know exactly what's expected of you, and dh knows what's expected of him. He will provide for you and the children financially, and make sure you have a good, safe place to live. He won't ask you where it should be, but will make sure it will happen.
Maybe this sounds horrible to you. But it's normal life in a lot of places around the world. |
But does that mean that the woman does not have the rights to decide anything I.e. when to go to a play, what to make for dinner, when she can visit someone or have a friend over, how and when to spend money, etc. The first option makes it seem like she has no rights to make these decisions on her own and she needs permission to do things. That is disturbing and is actually considered to be abuse.
Maybe op meant to say what you are describing but it came out differently so that should be corrected if that is the case.
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sequoia
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 1:26 pm
A smart woman gets the best of both worlds. I mean, in practice, men usually work longer hours while women's jobs are more flexible.
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amother
Aqua
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 2:55 pm
animeme- my husband is charge of the earning the money. I'm a SAHM but I definitely contribute physically to the marriage and family. What she's describing in 1 sounds like is someone who who doesn't need to do anything, there is a nanny, a cleaning lady, possibly someone in charge of running the house ( I met someone who got paid to "run" wealthy peoples homes for them, she managed the housekeeper etc) etc... she doesn't have to do ANYTHING but she can't so much as spend a dollar without her husband's permission.
I also definitely have a say in decisions, if anything my husband will say "I trust you" when it comes to schooling, where to live etc... but really we make the big decisions together.
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mommy3b2c
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 3:02 pm
I would prefer neither of those marriages.
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iluvy
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 6:30 pm
animeme wrote: | There is a strong cultural difference between 1 and 2. Imagine a world in which the woman knows that she will never be expected to share the financial burden of the family, that she stays home with the kids and is always able to go to the plays or help with homework or stay home with a sick child. No double shift. You know exactly what's expected of you, and dh knows what's expected of him. He will provide for you and the children financially, and make sure you have a good, safe place to live. He won't ask you where it should be, but will make sure it will happen.
Maybe this sounds horrible to you. But it's normal life in a lot of places around the world. |
Even in this culture, I don't understand why both spouses have responsibilities (he to provide financially, she to run the house and take care of the children) but only the man has decision-making powers. Why is the labor of making money considered more valuable than the labor of taking care of children? How on earth can this be a Jewish perspective?
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amother
Aquamarine
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 6:40 pm
Sequoia, my job is NOT FLEXIBLE WHICH IS WHY I'm so stressed, so your generalization may be incorrect.
Regarding op's poll, I wonder if option 1 means that everything is provided for her but she can't make any decisions such that she can't spend money or go out without permission etc such that even though she has "everything" she is still like a prisoner???
Well, as crazy as this sounds, usually I'd say choice 2 if there were only those 2 choices but now I'm working in a demeaning stressful job where they at critical of me and inflexible etc but I can't leave because we need to pay the bills, so even though I can make my own decisions and my dh is "chilled" and not controlling etc. I feel like every moment I'm forced to spend my Tim finishing my project for work so I still feel like a prisoner even though I'm "allowed" to make my own decisions""
So at this point in my life, I would choose option 1 where I wouldn't have to work even if I give up my freedom to not be allowed to make my own decisions because as I explained, I have no freedom anyway so I may as well have no freedom and not have to be criticized in work and stressed about my work performance etc..
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5
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amother
Gold
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 8:28 pm
Is no one here so overwhelmed with responsibilities at the moment that they are almost considering #1?
Lucky, I guess life has been relatively easy for those posters who can't even comprehend why anyone would be leaning towards #1.
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MagentaYenta
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 8:36 pm
amother wrote: | Is no one here so overwhelmed with responsibilities at the moment that they are almost considering #1?
Lucky, I guess life has been relatively easy for those posters who can't even comprehend why anyone would be leaning towards #1. |
What leads you to that conclusion?
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tigerwife
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Sun, Jan 15 2017, 8:43 pm
MagentaYenta wrote: | What leads you to that conclusion? |
While I'm not that poster and indeed selected choice number two, there are definitely times where I feel overwhelmed enough to just want to be 100% taken care of like a child, with no responsibility.
A more interesting poll to me would be would you rather split financial and parental/household burdens equally between husband and wife, or leave 100% of financial burden to the husband while wife takes 100% responsibility for childcare and homecare? These are both options that are more common in our community.
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