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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
Gold
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:00 am
So my real MIL passed away before I met my DH. My FIL remarried after I was married. She's a really super-sweet woman and we get along great (I guess "step-mother" and "mother-in-law" cancel out ).
Anyway, I've referred to her as my "step-mother-in-law" when introducing her to my friends b/c she's not my husband's mother and I don't want to offend him. Recently, at an event, she told me to just call her "my mother-in-law". I don't want to offend her either, but I don't want to confuse people.
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Iymnok
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:03 am
Can you talk with dh to find a happy medium?
SMIL is kinda long. Well, after typing that, can you call her your smile?
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singleagain
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:04 am
I would ask DH if he's OK with "my mother in law" if he is... Then use that, and if ppl are confused you can explain.
If he's not, ask him to talk to his step mother to find a happy medium
Maybe something like "fil's wife" or "dad's wife" will sound better...
Maybe others with personal experience can offer what they do
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amother
Green
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:08 am
Dh calls my fathers wife by her first name, as do I. When I introduce her to ppl I say my fathers wife. I think Dh also says my fil's wife.
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devash1
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:09 am
I have a step father in law. I just say father in law. Anybody that knows me well enough knows that he's not my husband's father and no one else really cares.
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PinkFridge
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:10 am
FIL's wife should be fine. If your husband's ok with it, MIL is ok, but there's no reason you can't say FIL's wife. If everyone's disposed to this, your kids should still consider her their grandmother. (What some people do is assign a different label, e.g. if their mother was Bubby, the step becomes Savta.)
The harder thing is what to call her when you speak to her. You might not want to call her by her first name but somehow men can get by with "Rebbetzin" easier than women can
The great thing is, and your husband and siblings will come to realize this soon if they haven't already, she's a bracha in everyone's lives, especially your FIL.
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zaq
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:16 am
Call her your "mother-by-marriage". People will scratch their heads, but who cares?
Have you asked your dh's opinion? Why assume he'll be offended? In any case, a person should be called what she wants to be called, unless she's asking to be called your mother when she's not. For all practical purposes, this woman IS your mother-in-law.
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amother
Gold
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:17 am
PinkFridge wrote: | FIL's wife should be fine. If your husband's ok with it, MIL is ok, but there's no reason you can't say FIL's wife. If everyone's disposed to this, your kids should still consider her their grandmother. (What some people do is assign a different label, e.g. if their mother was Bubby, the step becomes Savta.)
The harder thing is what to call her when you speak to her. You might not want to call her by her first name but somehow men can get by with "Rebbetzin" easier than women can
The great thing is, and your husband and siblings will come to realize this soon if they haven't already, she's a bracha in everyone's lives, especially your FIL. |
So in this case my in-laws have an interesting situation as my FIL isn't halachically Jewish so I often refer to him by his first name--as my other sib-in-laws do, and my SMIL we call her by her first name as well.
"FIL's wife" sounds longer than step-mother-in-law when you say it out, but I guess is less stigma-oriented, will try it.
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singleagain
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:24 am
amother wrote: |
"FIL's wife" sounds longer than step-mother-in-law when you say it out, but I guess is less stigma-oriented, will try it. |
I think when we say to say "FIL's wife" we mean like whatever you call your father in law in place of FIL ... Like if you call him "dad" then call SMIL "dad's wife" if you call him "Gramps" "Gramps' wife" if you call him "Bob" "Bob's wife" (although I'd personally round all of those options off with " dad/Gramps/bob's Wife, Susan")
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naomi2
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:30 am
If you are afraid of offemdimg your husband, Ask him! if it's OK by him! and then refer to her as mother in law. She was very clear that that's how she wants to be introduced. So noone else''s stories here are going to be helpful
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PinkFridge
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:32 am
amother wrote: | So in this case my in-laws have an interesting situation as my FIL isn't halachically Jewish so I often refer to him by his first name--as my other sib-in-laws do, and my SMIL we call her by her first name as well.
"FIL's wife" sounds longer than step-mother-in-law when you say it out, but I guess is less stigma-oriented, will try it. |
If they're comfortable with first names, that's cool.
I think FIL's wife is better than step-MIL. Some people hear step and think Grimm Brothers, so would prefer the former. You can also feel comfortable with MIL unless your husband really doesn't like it.
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smile12345
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 10:59 am
It that's what she clearly wants to be called and you check with your dh and he doesn't mind, then why does it matter if people are confused?
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amother
Ecru
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 11:13 am
I have a step-mother, but I don't call her my step-mother. My mother passed away when I was married +6 and in my 40's, and my father remarried several years later.
I introduce her as my father's wife. I never say step-mother - I think that goes more for a step-mother you grew up with at home as a child.
So I guess my husband would refer to her as his father-in-law's wife. But when talking to her, he uses her first name.
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amother
Mustard
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 11:55 am
OP - I'm in the exact same boat. Though I am rarely in a position to introduce her to anyone, when I do, I say this is DH's father's wonderful wife Golda (this covers any thought that I'm being 'cold' by not calling her my MIL) . DH also refer's to her as "his fathers' wife". When I converse with her - I call her Golda. My dd will call her Safta Golda (my mom will be just "Safta").
Golda is DH's wife - but she does not, and did not 'mother' DH. That's why this all makes sense to me.
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amother
Slategray
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 12:53 pm
You never met your mother in law a"h so this women is your mother in law. Also people know that you never met your husbands biological mother. So when you say MIL they know you are referring to her. Also it makes her feel part of the family. Also a lot of people call the person I.e. Tanta Faigy to the person's face ,not by her first name just like that, just out of respect.
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tryinghard
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 2:09 pm
I refer to FIL's wife as my "mother-in-law", but will clarify depending on the sitution that it's not DH's mother. My kids call her Savta, but there is only one Savta so we don't have an issue in that area. I have always called her by her name as that is what DH does, though more recently we have called her Savta if we can (if the kids are there), or try to address without saying a name, as we are less comfortable with the concept than we used to be.
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rachelbg
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 11:07 pm
I introduce her as her my fil's wife, 'So and So.' And then subsequently 'our So and So' kind of like turning her name into a title. Works for us!
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amother
Peach
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 11:24 pm
amother wrote: | I have a step-mother, but I don't call her my step-mother. My mother passed away when I was married +6 and in my 40's, and my father remarried several years later.
I introduce her as my father's wife. I never say step-mother - I think that goes more for a step-mother you grew up with at home as a child.
So I guess my husband would refer to her as his father-in-law's wife. But when talking to her, he uses her first name. |
Pretty much the same here. I agree with you about the fact that she's not really a step mother if my father married her when I was married for several years already. I call her by her first name and refer to her as my fathers wife. Dh refers to her as father in laws wife.
Op I understand why your dh would feel offended if you call her mother in law but if she feels offended by calling her step mother in law maybe you can make it out with your dh, he's grown up by now, I'm sure he'll understand. Take this from someone who at first refused to allow my kids to call my fathers wife Bobby. But at this point, several years down the line- I don't really care anymore. I'm more grown up.
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amother
Pink
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Tue, Jan 24 2017, 11:37 pm
amother wrote: | So in this case my in-laws have an interesting situation as my FIL isn't halachically Jewish so I often refer to him by his first name--as my other sib-in-laws do, and my SMIL we call her by her first name as well.
"FIL's wife" sounds longer than step-mother-in-law when you say it out, but I guess is less stigma-oriented, will try it. |
You call your dhs father by his first name because he's not hakachicly Jewish? Huh?
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