Need help with rigid child

amother

Ginger

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 1:12 pm

My son, 6, is lately very rigid about his outerwear. It has been warm lately. I send him to school with a coat and in the afternoon when it is warmer most of the children open up their coat or take it off and my son has his hood on and is sweating. However now he is riding his bike and is insisting he can not wear even a sweatshirt bec when we ride bikes we don't wear anything (we ride mostly in the summer) and if he wears it now he will need to wear it also in the summer and he will be so hot.

Does anyone have a child that is also similarly rigid and how do you help them. Thank you!

imasinger

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 2:38 pm

It sounds like right now, he associates clothing with activity, rather than with temperature.

The larger issue of rigidity seems to me worthy of full investigation, by a developmental pediatrician, perhaps.

But to solve the immediate problem, you can show him pictures of people engaged in the same activity in different seasons, and a picture of a thermometer. Help him understand that we wear light jackets outside in the fall and the spring, but not in the summer. That we wear heavy coats when the weather drops into the 40's and below.

A graphic like this might be helpful:

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 3:24 pm

I have the world's most rigid 6 year old out there. Some people just have the rigid genes. For my son, he was molested which greatly intensified his rigidity (exerting control over made up rules makes him feel strong in a world where his weakness was exploited). Whatever the case, I'd start with education. Write a book yourself (as I did before I knew about the molestation) about Mr. Rigid and Mr. Flexible. The story line can be about the pros and cons of both and that a balance is ideal. It is important to stress that rigid people are often responsible, meticulous, and get things done. It is probably his innate personality, so he should see the good in that!
Other things that have helped:
1. explaining that when two rules contradict each other (example--I like to wear a coat and I don't like to be hot) that they get into "circle thinking" that requires a solution/way out.
2. Giving him the freedom to make choices that don't hurt anyone and are safe. If he is sweating and wearing a coat, that is his problem, I wouldn't exert control here. He may emotionally just need to be able to make his own choices here and there
3. getting to the root of the issue. Maybe he likes the coat because of sensory reasons. Maybe he likes it because his cool friend does it. Maybe it is just because he doesn't always want to listen to you, even if its for his own good. There is often a reason and you should respectfully explore. By respectfully, I mean question like you would to a new adult acquaintance.
4. explain that made up rules set people up for disappointment and anger, because no one can follow a million rules all day long and be happy. The way to figure out if the rule is good if: is it a mitzva? is it for safety? is it going to hurt anyone? Answering these questions helps the child decide if it is important to keep the rule or not.

The last thing you should do with a rigid child is get into a power struggle, because either you will lose, or you will lose your relationship. If you can't keep your cool, get a professional involved.

amother

Ginger

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 7:04 pm

imasinger wrote:

I showed it to him and he knew it cold.
I wonder if he feels the heat and cold the same way we do. He has sensory issues and seems to not be tuned in to temperature but I always chalked it up to him being a child. So maybe given that and his need for things to be the same al the time.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 7:15 pm

amother wrote:

It seems he has figured out a way that works for him. Being molested turns one's usual sense of the world inside out. All sense of predictability is lost. I'm impressed he has figured out a way for his nervous system to stay sane amidst shifting seasons.
If it were my son I'd let him do it his way. This rigidity is a crutch he desperately needs now. He will likely outgrow it as he begins to feel a sense of agency and empowerment in these minor areas of his life.

I would not present logic to him, cuz basically you're trying to get him to override his own intuition. And for him to regain his bearings he must be trusted with his intuition. Btdt. Trying to change a child's rigid mind hampers their healing and recovery. We're talking about riding a bike with a coat or without a coat, right?And him possibly riding his bike summertime with his coat on. Let it be. I would.

Hugs to you and him.

So young to have had the rug pulled out from under him.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 3:57 am

I have a very sensory kid. As long as she is not in immediate danger, I let her wear what she likes.

When she was 3, we lived in a place that snowed. Snow was pretty rare there, so it was a big deal. She insisted on going outside without socks or shoes, and I let her. She stomped around in the snow, feeling the crunch under her feet, until it didn't feel good anymore. Then she came in and put on warm fuzzy slippers. She did not get frostbite, and her toes did not fall off.

She hates umbrellas, and loves the feeling of rain pattering on her head. I let her go out and get soaked. She has not once caught a cold from being out in the rain.

I bought her a range of outerwear, from a light sweater to a fuzzy jacket, and a warm puffer. I let her choose which one she feels is right for the occasion.

I think that only by letting kids experience a range of temperatures, feelings, and textures, and by letting them choose, will the figure out what is appropriate. Basically, it's "natural consequences". You can tell a kid all day long that they need a sweater, but unless the kid himself feels cold, they are going to look at you like you are crazy. If you suggest they shove an extra layer in their backpack "just in case you get cold later", they will be much more open to the idea. It's empowering to have options.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 4:01 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

When there are 200 kids milling about without coats and he has his hood on I get concerned he will be bullied.

Second, he gets eat infections and colds very quickly.

The coat doesn't bother him (about the bike riding. It was confusing to him) But he probably doesn't notice he is sweating when he wears a coat in the sun.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 4:16 am

amother wrote:

I hear your concerns. It's very confusing knowing how to parent an out of the box kid. Just read MY posts!

1. Kids will bully about anything. It's not about the coat. If it wasn't the coat, it would be the color of his shirt, wearing glasses, a figure of speech, a mole, a freckle, or the way he ties his shoes. He needs to know that it's OK to be different.

2. Work on building up his immune system. If you have a picky eater like I do, that can be a huge challenge. Work with your doctor and a nutritionist, and see if he needs vitamin supplements. There are kosher gummy vitamins you can order from iHerb that are delicious.

I had to teach DD about healthy food, protein, starch, sugar, and how to sort food into categories. I wish I could remember the online game we used to play, where she got points for putting together a balanced meal. If she wanted a cookie, I would tell her "You need a protein and a vegetable first". I still do that. I serve starches last, after she's cleaned her plate, or else she would fill up on starch and then not touch anything else.

3. I love Imasinger's chart. Learning "rules" about weather and clothing can really help a rigid kid. They may never actually feel temperature the way we do, but if your kid loves rules this could be the perfect answer. There are tons of wonderful social stories books you can find online that can help reinforce appropriate choices.

amother

Peach

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 7:37 am

My son is rigid too, but he's opposite with temperature - I have to fight to get him into a coat or sweatshirt when necessary. So I used his rigidity to my advantage, hung a thermometer outside the window and showed him how to read it, then taught him that when it's over 70 he can wear short sleeves, over 60 he doesn't need a sweatshirt, over 50 he needs a sweatshirt, and under 50 he needs a coat. He's in control because he can independently see if it's sweatshirt/coat/etc. weather. Of course there are still days when he's stubborn about it ("but it's really boiling!") but it's eliminated most of the struggles.

imasinger

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

Maybe keeping the coat on helps him feel protected from a possible violation of his body space. It's an extra layer of protection. Given his experience with molestation it may be related to his desperate attempt to create safety for himself.

I think the OP (amother ginger) did not have a reason to suspect abuse. That was a different poster (amother jetblack), who posted about rigidity being a consequence of abuse.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 10:38 am

imasinger wrote:

I think the OP (amother ginger) did not have a reason to suspect abuse. That was a different poster (amother jetblack), who posted about rigidity being a consequence of abuse.

No, I was saying he is innately rigid, and later abused, which exasperated the rigidity. Meaning, whether or not there was abuse, OP can still benefit from the tools we used.

miami85

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

This was my exactly son on Shabbos. He has a coat with a zip-out lining and he wouldn't even let us take out the lining so he could wear the hood with a lighter jacket. In the end I just let him. I figure if he's hot he'll take it off, but he wasn't sweating. Usually he does end up coming around when he realizes the temperature changed.

amother

Blue

Mon, Feb 27 2017, 12:22 pm

My cousin was like this, he had to be wearing a sweater, even in the middle of august. It's actually not uncommon in kids who suffer from anxiety or similar issues. It is not a good sign though, so make sure you get him into weekly therapy with a really good child psychologist (beyond just an evaluation). If the underlying issue(s) aren't dealt with now, they will only get worse.