How to be less materialistic

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:00 pm

I grew up with a very wealthy family. Married life budget is low. There are so many things that are normal for me--cleaning help, take out, regular shopping on a whim, pretty extras just for fun...
My parents gave me their credit card to use when our money runs out, but they didn't say a clear amount of how much to use. My husband says to use as little as possible, but I can't seem to do that when I have a credit card!
Not buying things that I see as so standard is literally painful for me. I have never not had something I wanted my entire life.
The real problem is that it isn't my money. If it was, I can make a bad choice and that is my problem. My parents don't seem to care and never comment if it is 100$ or 5000$. I don't think it makes a dent.
I want to be an adult, self sufficient...but also happy. I know materialism doesn't bring happiness, but it does bring a certain sense of calm and ease.
UGH How do I stop being such a spoiled brat? I am so freaking materialistic it is disgusting!

amother

Denim

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:19 pm

If your serious about stopping the careless spending then sit down and make a budget. Income minus expenses that are necessary such as rent, insurance and then if you have left over add in things like clothing, cleaning help etc. If you can't cover all these "needs" that aren't real needs, move to the cc ur parents gave u (if ur ok using it and they are ok with it too). But that too should have a budget. If it can't cover getting your nails done, add it to the budget for your parents card, but pick an amount like $200 a month that u can spend on that card. That way you don't feel like ur cutting all the extras out but ur also being more responsible.

allthingsblue

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:23 pm

When you figure out the secret, let me know. I have a similar but different problem. I will be following this thread.

One suggestion is to keep busy with other things (career, chesed, exercise, projects). When I'm busy I don't have time to waste on shopping etc

MagentaYenta

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:27 pm

Aw you poor thing, you just can't deny yourself.

You can grow up, make a budget and follow it. The solution is quite simple and at your fingertips. Now if you really don't have any self control when it comes to spending get some professional help with a licensed therapist.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:27 pm

Cut yourself some slack.

It takes a while to change ingrained patterns and expectations.

But if you want a program of how to be more money-conscious, try this:

1) For one month, just track (write down) everything you spend money on. Don't criticize your choices, just record them.

2) At the end of the month, tally up where the money went. How much to food, how much to takeout, how much to entertainment, clothing, etc.

3) Now make a budget based loosely on those numbers. The coming month, stick to that budget. If you already used up the $100 on clothing for example, say no to yourself for that awesome pair of shoes.

4) After a few months, start being more critical with yourself when spending. Ask yourself, "What will happen if I DON'T make this purchase?" If the answer is "nothing" or "I'll be a little disappointed," practice saying no to yourself.

5) Take the above to the next level: As you make each purchase, ask yourself: "How will this help my Avodas Hashem?" Will it make you a better wife, a better mother? Will it help you do a mitzvah with more joy? Make Shabbos more pleasant? Enable you to have more Kibud Av Va'eim?

6) Sit down with your husband and make a realistic budget that he feels he can one day support. Using your newfound skills, work your spending into that budget.

Remember that the material world, luxuries, and enjoyment are not evil. As long as they are gained in an honest way, not used to hurt others, and help you in your Avodas Hashem, they are actually holy.

agreer

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:28 pm

OP, don't call yourself a spoiled brat. You grew up accustomed to a certain lifestyle, which your parents encouraged, and now things are changing. You recognize the need to change and are working on it. Please don't beat yourself up - it won't help anything.

You are lucky you have such generous parents. I hope you always appreciate them.

However, you seem to have a DESIRE for self-sufficiency, which is commendable.

If I were you, I would hide the credit card. Put it someplace VERY inconvenient and only use it for emergencies or a very rare treat.

You express the pain of not buying something you want. It's a real, legitimate pain - you had a habit, and now you are trying to break it. But the only way to do it, and to feel less pain, is to let time work it's magic...and that will only work if you stop using the credit card and get used to not buying things you only want, not need.

Trust me - you'll get used to it, and you may even start feeling very proud for being such a great adult! You will be able to offer your children a very real, healthy perspective on finances. Kol hakavod - and good luck!

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:58 am

OP, you are a good person in a difficult situation, and you're going to find inner strength and menucha. Good for you for asking this question.

I just read a book called Play Anything. I'm not telling you to go read it, though it had a very interesting premise. The idea is, play - games - have rules and structures. That's what makes the game, and makes winning or accomplishing in the game meaningful. (Exception: Calvinball Wink

)
When we approach a situation as to how we can play it, not in the sense of the restraints and the no's, but the constraints, I.e. the parameters we have to deal with, the challenge can be bracing and interesting.
You got some excellent advice. You can use what I wrote for when you do go shopping. You may not find yourself using your local Purple Heart thriftshop as a "playground" when you want some retail therapy (though you might find some discount stores, or nice consignment stores worth checking out) but you might be able to rewire yourself in very rewarding ways.

Hugs and hatzlacha!