Please offer your advice

amother

Emerald

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:41 pm

Excuse the long story, but if you can read and offer your opinion I would greatly appreciate it.
The question (seemingly insignificant, but actually significant in this case) is whether I should get my daughter new glasses too.
Here is the story:
My 12 your old daughter and 9 year old son both got glasses for the first time, in November last yr. After 2-3 months my sons glasses cracked and we got him another pair.
My daughter said it's not fair she shouldn't get new glasses too. She has a warped way of seeing things. "Just because I am responsible and my glasses didn't crack, I shouldn't get new glasses??" Obviously she was wrong then, because she had just gotten her glasses 3 months prior. At that time we compromised and got her new frames two months later for her birthday present. About a month after we got her new frames, she decided she didn't like them, and bought herself another pair with her own money. That was in August.
Now we are in April and I took both kids for an eye exam yesterday. Both of their prescriptions changed. I specifically planned to get my son new frames, because he never liked the second pair of glasses, as he didn't choose them. He therefor rarely wore them. I was going to get him new frames either way so he can choose them himself and actually wear them. When it came time for my daughter, my husband felt that she should not get new frames, as she already had 3 pairs in the last year and a half. He says she is spoiled. I hear him. At the same time I don't want to arouse jealousy which is already rampant. What would you do, and why?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:50 pm

Is dd satisfied with the frames she bought with her own money? Can you afford to get her new frames right now?

Regardless, you need to work on the jealousy. That's a much bigger problem, because if you don't fix it, there will never be an end to it.

"Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same - fair means everyone gets what they NEED."

"Hashem makes sure we get what we need, but nobody promises that you will always get what you WANT."

I hope you praised dd for using her own money to get the frames. That's an excellent solution. Keep working on problem solving with both your kids, so that they can learn to resolve their rivalry issues.

Making sure that "they both get" is only a short term fix, and will backfire on you in a big way.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:50 pm

I would get your 12 yr old new frames as well. at the end of the day you bought them both 2 frames in the past(the one for 12 yr old was for birthday even) so why should your son get a third? also make a rule for the future. we only change the frames once a year after doc appt if you want to do it earlier feel free to spend your own money or we can get them for a birthday, chanuka gift etc. if the 9 yr old is irresponsible again they should work towards the glasses

doctorima

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:53 pm

Kids should not be getting 3 pairs of frames in 1.5 years. Unfortunately, what's done is done. But just because you gave in and spoiled her in the past doesn't mean you should continue doing so. She needs to learn that A) glasses are expensive and are not something that you change on a whim on a regular basis without a medical need, and B) just because somebody else gets something, doesn't mean she gets it too. These are important life lessons, and the sooner you take a stand and the younger the kids are when they learn them, the better.

STMommy

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:57 pm

I think it depends on whether there is any legit reason for her to get new frames. for example, the one she has now that she paid for herself in August (a very not-spoiled thing to do, by the way), are they still in perfect condition? are they still comfortable on her head (people grow)? or is this just about warped thinking that everything between her and brother needs to be the same and equal?
I am getting my daughter new frames, even though her frames are relatively new, because there is a tiny cartyoon character on the side, which she was ok with when we got the frames because the front view was so flattering, but in the subsequent months she's become very self conscious at her age about having a cartoon character on her glasses. since the prescription changed, we're allowing her new frames.
so I think if the request is within reason, it's OK.

mummiedearest

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 12:58 pm

do you have an insurance plan that covers frames once a year?

getting new frames once a year is normal for glasses wearers. since you did not tell dd that the second pair you bought her was going to be instead of the next year's frames, I don't think it's fair to get some for him and not for her. why is giving in to his pickiness any better than giving in to her want for variety? he broke the first pair, got a second. he didn't like the second and refused to wear his glasses, so you're giving in and buying him a third pair. in her case, she asked to be rewarded for responsibility (ok, demanded, which is a problem), got a second pair as a gift from you when you would have gotten her something as a gift anyway, then bought herself a third pair with her own money. the only issue I see in terms of her behavior was the demand, which you found a reasonable way to meet. I don't see why a birthday present last year should mean that she can't have a new pair this year. in fact, it's a great idea for her to have her old pair intact and a new pair this year. keep the old pair as a backup in case the new pair breaks. this practice has saved my sanity many times. since you don't want the kids to demand more frames, you need to make rules now. you will provide one (1) new pair of glasses on a yearly basis OR when a new prescription is needed. sometimes they need a new one in six months, and that's your responsibility to provide. YOU will determine the budget for frames, and reserve the right to veto any frames you deem inappopriate. THEY have a right to an opinion on frame choice, and you will not force them to get frames they dislike. any change in frames without a new prescription will be paid for by them and WILL NOT affect their eligibility for a parent-purchased frame once yearly. in the event that the family goes through financial hardships and new frames cannot be afforded on a yearly basis, they will be required to recycle old frames. regardless of the frames they wear, they are required to act responsibly with their glasses. if they break the glasses by acting irresponsibly, you may require them to help pay for a replacement pair.

if your son is in the habit of breaking his glasses, you may have to insist on his wearing sports-friendly glasses, which can be costly. if you need to buy those, you may want to specify that this purchase is expected to be used as long as the frames last and fit his face.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 1:08 pm

Our rules about eyeglasses were simple. If the prescription doesn't change, you keep the frames for 3 years (that was how often we could claim frames on our ins.). If it does change you still keep the frames for 3 years. Now with affordable single vision eyeglasses being available on line, I could see changing my policy and letting working teens spend as much as they want on eyeglass change outs.

Oh and we always bought ins. on the new eyeglasses.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 2:06 pm

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate all the fresh perspectives. I see some agree with my husband and many hear my daughter's side...
I'm still torn. I agree with the mother who said the jealousy needs to be worked on. As does her attitude in general, being that her current frames look great, and fit great and there is zero reason for new frames right now.
I also hear the mother that pointed out that my son not wearing his frames and me replacing is also kind of giving in. On the other hand, he honestly could care less, if he has glasses or if he wears glasses...
My daughter definitely wants them for the wrong reasons. No question. Money is also an issue, but if I felt she should have them I would get them. They are not expensive. But she literally just wants them because he got new ones,and all her friends have soo many pairs...
Ahhh the joys of making parenting decisions...Should be my worst...

SixOfWands

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 2:21 pm

Your son was not responsible, and broke his frames. He then refused to wear the frames that you chose for him. (Why on earth did you buy him frames without him being there?) So you're rewarding him this by purchasing a third pair of frames for him.

Your daughter took care of her frames, and they are therefore still wearable. However, she chose to get another pair for her birthday (presumably instead of another gift -- did you not give your son a birthday gift because you purchased a new set of frames for him?), and she purchased another pair for herself.

IOW, after this appointment, you will be purchasing your son his third set of "just because you need glasses" frames, but are wondering whether you should buy your daughter her second. Which child sounds "spoiled" now?

IMNSHO, you should either (1) not buy new frames for either child, but let your son know that he may get a new pair for his next birthday; or (2) buy for both children.

And particularly for your son, use an optician that offers insurance.

33055

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 3:17 pm

The jealousy thing seems the much bigger issue. I have never bought my children something because I bought something for a sibling. If I were OP, I would buy gender specific items for each of them at different times and not buy anything for the other.

My kids learned early on that what I got a sibling has nothing to do with them. They never compare and contrast. I have never heard them say that a neighbor got this; therefore, they are entitled.