Single parenting logistics - help me understand!

amother

Linen

Thu, May 04 2017, 3:06 am

I didn't post this in divorce forum because it also applies even more so to widows and people whose husbands are incapacitated some other way. But in my case it's divorce with coparent moving far away and I can't wrap my mind around how this is supposed to work!

I am currently job hunting and nervous to take on anything because how can I commit? I am the only one to get my kids off to school (what if they are late, and then I'm late to work all the time?) and pick them up (what if I can't get after school care or the babysitter cancels and how am I going to pay for it anyway? And don't they need a real mother more than ever instead of a babysitter, when they just lost their father?) and look after them when they're sick (what kind of job gives enough sick/personal days to cover both my own needs and my kids?) And how can I tie myself down to a job, when would I take care of other things when there is no one else to take care of the kids when I need an appointment or errand or anything by myself? And nobody who can take them to their appointments while I get anything done in life, or to get things done at home while I'm the one taking them where they need to go? I already don't have enough hours in the day, and that's while working part time at a flexible job (which works well enough but is not an option next year because the company is switching to a full-time-only working model.)

I just don't get how anything is supposed to work! The only answer I can come up with is babysitter, babysitter, babysitter. But I have already experienced that it's hard to find a babysitter, and how am I supposed to pay for tons of babysitting when I am already going to have a hard time keeping to a work schedule that will meet our already low budget while single parenting, and how can a babysitter replace my parenting functions well enough? When I'm home I'm doing a whole slew of things, while a babysitter would only be taking care of the kids - and I would need to prepare ahead in less time, things like leaving meals for them which right now I can throw together while I'm also watching them and stuff.

How in the name of heaven does anyone live this way?????????? I'm going to collapse within a week! I'm already collapsing half the time and that's with the easy job and with taking off too much time anyway and with no therapy for me which I really need and with important things going undone and with DH's income contribution being more than the child support he will be providing which just about covers our expenses with NO babysitting and RARE cleaning help.

OMG we're all going to fall apart Sad

I have visions of losing my job and dying of exhaustion while my kids go to school late every day with old dirty rumpled clothes and no snack or homework. I feel like I'm already a hairsbreadth away from the losing job and dying of exhaustion part. And come to think of it the kids DON'T have snack for school tomorrow plus they had to scrounge already today and we probably don't have a single fruit or vegetable left in the house and I don't know where I'll find the time or energy to buy any in time for snacks, supper, or Shabbos. And this is with DH still in the picture.

I think I'll just curl up into a hole and check out right now. Have a nervous breakdown or do drugs or whatever and lose touch with reality because I can't handle reality.

And I KNOW that there are lots of families living the same thing and I have no idea how that is even possible.

amother

Pink

Thu, May 04 2017, 6:44 am

Here's what I did-
I was very fortunate to have already finished my degree and gotten a masters before my divorce - actually even before my marriage. At the time of the divorce I had a very good 8:30-4:30 job. I had always been the primary breadwinner.

I dropped the kids off at school or by the bus at 7:30 then took the express bus to work, arriving 8:30. I left work at 4:30 arriving to pick up my kids from daycare and later babysitters at around 5:30.
Dinner, I had prepared from the night before. I also kept many small batches of food in the freezer. I just had to heat up and go. Meatballs, chicken, carrot muffins...
We did dinner, homework and baths. Bedtime was about 8 - varied as years went by.
I took off sick or vacation days as needed. Sometimes I was able to do work at home.

I sometimes ran out to do a small food or clothes shopping at whatever store was near my work during my lunchtime.

Things will work out. It just takes time to get things into a reasonable pattern.
The beginning is difficult and frightening. Breath. Good luck.

chayamiriam

Thu, May 04 2017, 6:55 am

Its not like you have a choice to do it or not! You just have to find that job that will pay some bills and work. I don't remember how I managed but somehow I did. Just don't think into it you just have to make it work day by day. My life became getting through the day, getting the kids off to school. I cooked for the whole week on Sunday froze the rest just reheated it for the week, even for Shabbos food was cooked on Sunday. I cleaned whenever I could, not often. Main concern the welfare of the kids taking time to help with homework, listen to their concerns and drive car pool when necessary. It somehow falls into place. I have to admit that I did have my kids come home and stay by themselves at a very early age maybe 9 because I just had no choice and worked long hours. But they became very independent called me very frequently. But I have to say looking back thank hasem that those days are over!!!! But you will do it day by day because you have too!!

amother

Vermilion

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:01 am

Hugs OP.

What kind of support network do you have? Neighbors who have kids of similar ages? Family who can help out in a pinch? Financial help so that you can work part-time?

It all eventually does fall into place. Single parenting is hard, so cut yourself some slack. Place online or phone orders, cook very simply, get clothing that require less care, and lower your standards in everything except the love you show your kids.

There are organizations today that can help with some things like moral support and after-school programs. You might qualify for government help that can cover after-school care.

I was "lucky" that my ex contributed precisely zero to the household before he left. Divorce was more of the same.

You can do this! We are here to support you.

imasinger

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:12 am

In general, I am fiercely independent, but in the time following separation, I relied heavily on others. B"H, there were people who offered to help, and others who I had to ask.

I was able to drop off kids in the morning to friends who fed them breakfast and got them to school, so I could be at work on time. We did afternoon carpools. One friend invited us for pizza one night a week for a year! I was happy to give a few bucks for the cost, but having the routine, and one night a week not to worry about the plan, was really nice.

Some things got planned more carefully, some things I had to let go of. Some things, the kids became more independent about.

I also bartered whenever possible. When first separated, I had a guest room, and needed babysitting. So, I put up flyers and found someone willing to trade a place to live for a number of hours per week of child care.

Think outside the box. Take whatever is offered.

One reason I stay active here is to help pay forward a little of the kindness I experienced those decades ago.

Hatzlacha! You can do this!

amother

Gold

Thu, May 04 2017, 7:22 am

You are very right about wanting to be there more for your kids. Stability is of utmost importance here.
First stability for yourself;
1. Is it possible for you to stay at the current job till you settle a little? You have enough changes on your plate. Thinking that you must frantically make so many major changes at once can really make you collapse.
2. Can you get some government programs at least for now?
3. Why do you skip therapy for yourself? Even a Medicaid paid therapist is better than just skipping it in such a situation.
4. You SHOULD check out for now. But, You don't have to check out by break down or drugs. Check out of the desperation to be normal. Make peace with not being perfect. the perfect kept home, the perfect done laundry etc. Be present ONLY for self care and your children.
The more stable you are the more stable your children will be.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, May 04 2017, 8:50 am

Does your mom live nearby? Could she help with the kids? Or could you move in with your parents for a short time to help? In the meantime, you could sublet/rent your current apartment/house and build up a nest egg.

Do you have relatives (sisters, sisters-in-law) who could help with child care?

Consciously aim for a lower but still adequate standard of housekeeping. Kids don't need baths every night. Twice a week is plenty. (See, there's a reason I'm amother.) Not every garment has to be washed each time it is worn. Breakfast for dinner (cereal, scrambled eggs) works well when kids are young, and it's cheap and easy. Change the bedding half as often as you do now.

Invest some time in developing and training your kids in a routine where the kids do a lot of daily prep themselves. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are old enough to go to school, they are old enough to pick out a granola bar from the pantry and an apple from the refrigerator and put it into their school bag for snacks. Do laundry on Saturday nights / Sunday mornings and get everyone involved. Try to make a game of it.

I find grocery shopping utterly exhausting and never ending. That's especially true if you live in the suburbs where you need to drive for everything. If you have Fresh Direct in your area, use it. The yearly fee that gives you free delivery is so worth it. There is always something on sale and the produce is good quality. Then shop once a month or so to stock up on staples at less expensive prices.

You will be busier but hopefully if there is less emotional turmoil you will be happier and that will give you more energy.

marina

Thu, May 04 2017, 1:03 pm

It's difficult getting a routine established, but you will all settle in and be comfortable soon enough. How old are your kids?

Carpool for school.
Mother's helper or teenage babysitter
Service for sick days- usually there are services that will charge extra but they will come when your child is sick so you don't have to miss work. Same for snow days.

And most important- kids are flexible and although they need stability and their mom, what they need most is a set routine and a calm, focused mom who shows them that things can get rough, but you can handle it. That is probably one of the most important lessons we can teach our kids and you have a perfect chance to do it.

So it's fine if there's a sitter or someone else who takes care of them when they're sick etc. She's not replacing you, she's supplementing you.

Also: coffee. that is all.

amother

Silver

Thu, May 04 2017, 5:20 pm

Im not a single parent, but my husbands crazy schedule has left me to deal with the kids and household mostly by myself.

My husband always left early for work, so I just have to plan out my mornings. Theyre sometimes a little crazy and rushed but I know I have to be out bu a certain time to bw at work on time.

I was never able to take sick days for myself unluss I was puking all day. Sick days are only for kids. I found doctors who are open sundays or evenings. Kids usually have to come on errands with me. Groceries get delivered.

Sometimes I trade babysitting or playdates with friends sometimes to get time alone. Or get babysitters spmetimes when we can afford.

Take time for yourself when you can. See if there are any community resources to help yoi like girls who need chesed hours. Ask your Rav or Rebbetzin for ideas.