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-> Working Women
marina
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 Sun, May 14 2017, 12:38 am
| debsey wrote: | | I don't know... some of the classic novelists weren't so concise, but their writing still has impact. Think of Charles Dickens, who was paid by the word. He takes three paragraphs to describe a coach moving down the road. Jane Austen was wordy, compared to today's novelists. Henry James (as I mentioned above). Tolstoy was fairly wordy, although that may be more a fault in translation. I think most of us would consider them "good" (if not "great" writers), unless you're of the school that DWEMs (with the exception of Austen) should be removed from the pantheon of "great" literature. |
I hated Dickens. Sorry.
Also, short sentences win the day. Just finishes reading Handmaiden's Tale, where every sentence is pretty much shorter than this one.
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MagentaYenta
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Sun, May 14 2017, 1:40 am
| marina wrote: | I hated Dickens. Sorry.
Also, short sentences win the day. Just finishes reading Handmaiden's Tale, where every sentence is pretty much shorter than this one. |
I think Atwood is economical with words, its evident if you read her stuff. Like King and Shirley Jackson, they want to trigger your mind to imagine.
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zaq
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Sun, May 14 2017, 11:25 am
| marina wrote: | I hated Dickens. Sorry.
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That makes two of us. Paragraphs should not take up two or three pages, and sentences should not be so long that the reader has forgotten the beginning before reaching the end.
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enneamom
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Sun, May 14 2017, 11:32 am
OP must be thrilled to have sparked the English literature class of the day 
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gp2.0
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Sun, May 14 2017, 11:42 am
I'm a fan of first sentences that start with a bang and immediately draw the readers' interest. Starting a story by literally using the word "monotonous" is a sure way to get readers feeling bored right away.
For example, the story can start with the iron falling onto the floor, water spilling, plastic cracking, a good segue into describing the frustration the narrator is feeling. Then as the iron is used in repetitive, soothing motions, the frustration is replaced by quiet reflection.
Also don't love the anthropomorphized iron that is eager to proceed. An iron is just a tool, it doesn't have feelings.
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MagentaYenta
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Sun, May 14 2017, 1:53 pm
| enneamom wrote: | | OP must be thrilled to have sparked the English literature class of the day |
It's a bit like a writers group, but covers a lot more of the basics.
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zaq
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Sun, May 14 2017, 2:36 pm
| gp2.0 wrote: |
Also don't love the anthropomorphized iron that is eager to proceed. An iron is just a tool, it doesn't have feelings. |
Mine does. It spits, and hisses, and sometimes stops dead in its tracks. I keep threatening to replace it but never do.
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enneamom
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Sun, May 14 2017, 2:38 pm
| zaq wrote: | | Mine does. It spits, and hisses, and sometimes stops dead in its tracks. I keep threatening to replace it but never do. |
LOL! Sounds codependent. 
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Raisin
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Sun, May 14 2017, 3:36 pm
| marina wrote: | I hated Dickens. Sorry.
Also, short sentences win the day. Just finishes reading Handmaiden's Tale, where every sentence is pretty much shorter than this one. |
I liked Dickens. You can usually skip over some of the wordier, descriptive bits and much of the writing is pretty action packed.
I probably enjoy more modern concise writing though. I find frum novels hard to read sometimes.
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debsey
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Sun, May 14 2017, 3:40 pm
| marina wrote: | I hated Dickens. Sorry.
Also, short sentences win the day. Just finishes reading Handmaiden's Tale, where every sentence is pretty much shorter than this one. |
I just started this "re-reading classics" kick. Wow, Austen is a lot more interesting the second time around. Dickens had such beautiful imagery. Never noticed that when I was reading him for class credit. I think nowadays we don't have the patience for that level of wordiness, but there's a reason those novels are considered "great." Sure, there's something to be said for reading a book for fun, but there's also a value in struggling with literature and seeing things through fresh eyes because of that struggle.
When we talk about Stephen King or Shirley Jackson or Margaret Atwood (all writers of suspense fiction), we're talking about people who are writing for much more contemporary tastes. Atwood can sometimes be wordy. The Handmaid's Tale is written in short, sharp sentences to convey Offred's fear, as well as the fact that she's writing this in hiding. Writing is a capital offense, in her world. Atwood's other works of fiction (especially her early ones) like Oryx and Crake, are much more wordy. I think that's Atwood's genius. She uses everything, even sentence structure, to be evocative of the mood she's trying to create.
Which brings us back to this piece of writing. It seems that the author is trying to get us to be contemplative with her. The problem is "contemplative" is not such an attention-grabbing mood. In The Handmaid's Tale, Atwood is trying to get us to be terrified and horrified with her. Those are much easier emotions to evoke, and much more attention grabbing.
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Raisin
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Sun, May 14 2017, 4:09 pm
I confess, I am still halfway thorugh one of Atwood's books. The blind Assasin. It's just not that gripping. I did enjoy some of her dystopian fiction though. Got to read the handmaids tale.
Dickens was actually writing for the masses, he was not necessarily aiming to be literary in the same way that Joyce, for example, was.
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gp2.0
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Sun, May 14 2017, 6:35 pm
| zaq wrote: | | Mine does. It spits, and hisses, and sometimes stops dead in its tracks. I keep threatening to replace it but never do. |
That's not the same thing. You're describing sounds and movements without feelings attached to them, which are fine. An iron can hiss because steam is escaping from the vents. It can't, however, hiss in frustration, derision or anger. A word like hiss or spit, used without feelings attached to it, is still a great way to set the tone and mood for a story. Attaching feelings to objects is kind of like breaking the fourth wall. It interrupts the flow.
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Iymnok
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Mon, May 15 2017, 7:20 am
| gp2.0 wrote: | | That's not the same thing. You're describing sounds and movements without feelings attached to them, which are fine. An iron can hiss because steam is escaping from the vents. It can't, however, hiss in frustration, derision or anger. A word like hiss or spit, used without feelings attached to it, is still a great way to set the tone and mood for a story. Attaching feelings to objects is kind of like breaking the fourth wall. It interrupts the flow. |
Unless you animate it. then it could have a conversation with the ironing board and the shirt. The spray starch as well.
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zaq
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Mon, May 15 2017, 8:41 am
| Iymnok wrote: | | Unless you animate it. then it could have a conversation with the ironing board and the shirt. The spray starch as well. |
If you see me having a convo with spray starch, take me out and shoot me.
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enneamom
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Mon, May 15 2017, 10:15 am
| zaq wrote: | | If you see me having a convo with spray starch, take me out and shoot me. |
With spray starch?
(I couldn't stop myself!)
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zaq
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Mon, May 15 2017, 10:17 am
| enneamom wrote: | With spray starch?
(I couldn't stop myself!) |
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mummiedearest
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Mon, May 15 2017, 10:51 am
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op, I'm another dickens hater. I'll be honest about your op, because you asked for it. take your central idea, write it out in twenty words or less, and go with that. you're trying too hard.
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Blue jay
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Mon, May 15 2017, 11:20 am
| amother wrote: | Ironing
"The monotonous rhythm of the iron as it pressed over the clothes helped me to focus on my thoughts and drift to a place of thoughtful reflection. A sense of satisfaction washed over me as I felt that the task was one of perfecting something in a way that I wished to replicate within myself. The quietness in the room was calming, interrupted only by the soft, hissing sounds of the iron's eagerness to proceed. Thoughts about my daughter were magnified in this stillness. And yet, for all the frustration I felt, the ironing was helping me to focus; to understand that life moves on."
Please be honest. Do you think this any good?
It is an ongoing piece of work that I have to produce for a class. The title was the one we were given. That's all I've written so far. |
Take out "A sense of satisfaction washed over me as I felt that the task was one of the perfecting something in a way that I wished to replicate within myself."
As the reader I can tell your character feels focused and inspired while ironing. No need to explain further.
Otherwise, I really like your paragraph! You are a great writer! I can really picture your character and am really curious about her issues with her daughter!
Keep writing, You have a gift! And please share and post some more of your works here on imamother.
I love reading writing with imagery. I love reading LM Montgomery and your paragraph reminds me of her style of writing. As Anne of Green Gables would call it "It had much scope for the imagination"
Last edited by Blue jay on Mon, May 15 2017, 11:27 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Amber
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Mon, May 15 2017, 11:26 am
| gp2.0 wrote: | | That's not the same thing. You're describing sounds and movements without feelings attached to them, which are fine. An iron can hiss because steam is escaping from the vents. It can't, however, hiss in frustration, derision or anger. A word like hiss or spit, used without feelings attached to it, is still a great way to set the tone and mood for a story. Attaching feelings to objects is kind of like breaking the fourth wall. It interrupts the flow. |
This all reminded me of Nir V'Gili
http://www.mako.co.il/tv-erez-.....6.htm
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MagentaYenta
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Mon, May 15 2017, 11:46 am
| gp2.0 wrote: | | That's not the same thing. You're describing sounds and movements without feelings attached to them, which are fine. An iron can hiss because steam is escaping from the vents. It can't, however, hiss in frustration, derision or anger. A word like hiss or spit, used without feelings attached to it, is still a great way to set the tone and mood for a story. Attaching feelings to objects is kind of like breaking the fourth wall. It interrupts the flow. |
Onomatopoeia is useful in some circumstances, like you explain, background noise, the bang of a door, the whoosh of a fan. If you are writing fantasy or horror anthropomorphism is useful, think Little Mermaid or Christine.
Here we have a woman (who I'm guessing) lives in her head. She's talking to herself. Frankly if I'm reading something and the woman who lives in her head is giving human characteristics to a household appliance I'm going to question her mental stability. The question is, does the writer really want to go in that direction?
Last edited by MagentaYenta on Mon, May 15 2017, 11:58 am; edited 1 time in total
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