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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
amother
Fuchsia
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 1:58 pm
I did not get silver (or any) candlesticks from my in laws when I got married or when I had my kids. I light tea lights.
I also don't like the idea of asking for something before the baby is born. Let it arrive in this world first.
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groovy1224
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 2:01 pm
allthingsblue wrote: | It's not like the daughter in law asked for it out of the blue!
Op offered to buy her something new! |
Where does OP say that?
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jerseygirl
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 2:43 pm
The real question here is how to deal with the new generation that thinks there is a never ending tap?
I absolutely do not think that you should buy it for them. If you had to sell your house because of debt, I'm assuming (and could be wrong) that you were not very good with finances in general. Financial decisions are not always easy, not buying this now will be the first step to financial security for the future.
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amother
Seagreen
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 3:06 pm
Something is missing here.
Children don't grow up in a vacuum. Either the parents here have been hiding a lot from their children and giving an abundance of "stuff" when they couldn't afford it. Or these children were raised to ask and ask and get and get.
Having said that, I got 2 candlesticks as a kallah and did the same for each of my marrieds. none thought to ask me for more after that.
What I do with my married couples is that I give 15-20 a week during the pregnancy that they put into savings to use towards any purchase after birth. That is the help we can afford to give. I can't afford to do a lump sum of $600-800 but somehow 15-20 a week is doable for us and we do it for babies one and two. After that I stop because we can't go on forever. My kids are all grateful and happy B"H,.
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amother
Brown
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 3:18 pm
Are you Chassidish? And are you referring to a candelabra with more arms or 2 single sticks? I'm not at all saying it's right but it is considered normal in my Chassidish circles that the Chossen's parents buy 2 silver candlesticks for the couple for the wedding, usually presented the Shabbos before the wedding or right after when she'll be lighting for the first time.
I feel stupid about it now and don't get my feelings of entitlement at the time, but when I didn't get them I made a comment to my new husband who told his mother and voila, I got silver candlesticks the following week.
I'm not condoning this at all, I grew up and think it's ridiculous the way we do things, I'm just saying it's not coming out of left field.
A candelabra is a different story, that's usually the husband buying it after a few children, but the parents shouldn't be involved in that, they buy it alone if and when they can afford to.
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allthingsblue
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 3:45 pm
allthingsblue wrote: | It's not like the daughter in law asked for it out of the blue!
Op offered to buy her something new!
We just bought a small silver candlestick for $100. (Maybe it's silver plated? It came from a silver store.)
If you cannot afford it, tell her so and tell her what your budget is. Ask her if she wants you to get something else, or just contribute x amount towards a candlestick. |
Oops. I was confusing this with the coffee machine thread, in which the op had offered to buy something, didn't hear back, decided to buy silver (which is why I confused it with this thread ) and then heard back from them that they want a coffee machine.
Back to this thread.
I think it's odd that they asked, and I think op should put her foot down nicely but firmly.
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amother
Lilac
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 8:28 pm
amother wrote: | Why would she be happy to cover the cost of the simcha? |
Note that I said if OP can do it. My point was that if OP can help at all she should offer to put it toward necessities such as items for the baby or the Simcha, explaining to her son that she doesn't have extra money for luxuries like a silver candelabra. Priorities...
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shirachadasha
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 9:10 pm
If the mom-to-be is as lucky as I am, the baby-to-be will make his/her own leichter set out of glass jars and colored sand before you know it. Don't tell my MIL, but I use the glass and sand set instead of the silver ones.
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cnc
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Wed, Aug 16 2017, 9:12 pm
shirachadasha wrote: | If the mom-to-be is as lucky as I am, the baby-to-be will make his/her own leichter set out of glass jars and colored sand before you know it. Don't tell my MIL, but I use the glass and sand set instead of the silver ones. |
I'd love to see a picture of this!
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Orchid
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Thu, Aug 17 2017, 12:20 am
amother wrote: | We are 'just making it'. In order to rid ourselves of our enormous debt we actually sold our house and moved within the past year.
I love my kids dearly .... they are expecting their first baby soon and have asked for a silver candlestick. We have honestly given them quite a bit financially lately and just don't think we can afford this. How do you cope with this new generation that expects life handed to them on a silver platter?
Do I just say to my DH (who is freaking out over this) that we just have to buy it and that's it? |
That's like saying "I keep giving the cat milk but it keeps coming back!"
(said with appreciation for the hardship of raising kids "nowadays)..
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someone
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Thu, Aug 17 2017, 1:51 am
OP, the way I see it is that by not buying them a leichter you are giving them a much greater gift - the realization that you don't get everything you want, and the ability to see other people's needs, not just your own. Not to be entitled. Sounds like a pretty great gift for a couple who are becoming parents and are moving into the next stage of their lives. Bsha'ah tova on the new grandchild and good luck!!
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SixOfWands
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Thu, Aug 17 2017, 11:51 am
shirachadasha wrote: | If the mom-to-be is as lucky as I am, the baby-to-be will make his/her own leichter set out of glass jars and colored sand before you know it. Don't tell my MIL, but I use the glass and sand set instead of the silver ones. |
With a nut on the top to hold the candles? Ours are menorahs.
But I light using brass candlesticks that belonged to my grandmothers on both sides.
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shirachadasha
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Tue, Aug 22 2017, 9:48 pm
cnc wrote: | I'd love to see a picture of this! |
Shown with candle and tea light options
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cnc
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Tue, Aug 22 2017, 11:15 pm
shirachadasha wrote: |
Shown with candle and tea light options |
Very pretty! (What is the candle sitting on? The cover of the jar?)
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Tue, Aug 22 2017, 11:18 pm
They sell beautiful crystal ones in marshalls , tj maxx, home goods. My parents are actually well off and that's what they got me.(just checked - $14.99) I'm happy with it and think it's something my husband should buy me one day, not my parents. (I would like the big silver candelabra after a few more kids, lol! Let's see if it'll be in the cards financially...)
I think you should just draw the line. I'm sure you'll be buying her some other things when she has a baby. She'll just have to be happy with that. And if not, it'll hopefully be a learning experience for her.
- for reference my parents and inlaws are intowners, yeshivish / balebatish/ heimish type.
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Ema of 5
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Tue, Aug 22 2017, 11:28 pm
allthingsblue wrote: | It's not like the daughter in law asked for it out of the blue!
Op offered to buy her something new!
We just bought a small silver candlestick for $100. (Maybe it's silver plated? It came from a silver store.)
If you cannot afford it, tell her so and tell her what your budget is. Ask her if she wants you to get something else, or just contribute x amount towards a candlestick. |
Maybe I misread, but I didn't see anywhere that the OP said she offered to buy something.
OP is definitely not obligated to buy something she can't afford, especially if it isn't even for her own child, but for a grandchild.
OP would it be possible for you to split the purchase with the in laws? Maybe that will help soften the blow and make it more affordable?
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Ema of 5
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Tue, Aug 22 2017, 11:30 pm
amother wrote: | Something is missing here.
Children don't grow up in a vacuum. Either the parents here have been hiding a lot from their children and giving an abundance of "stuff" when they couldn't afford it. Or these children were raised to ask and ask and get and get.
Having said that, I got 2 candlesticks as a kallah and did the same for each of my marrieds. none thought to ask me for more after that.
What I do with my married couples is that I give 15-20 a week during the pregnancy that they put into savings to use towards any purchase after birth. That is the help we can afford to give. I can't afford to do a lump sum of $600-800 but somehow 15-20 a week is doable for us and we do it for babies one and two. After that I stop because we can't go on forever. My kids are all grateful and happy B"H,. |
I love this idea!!!
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miami85
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Wed, Aug 23 2017, 12:32 am
amother wrote: | My most beautiful gift is the crystal and silver candlesticks DH bought when my baby was a year old. (That's when we were able to afford the $100 it cost.) DH was in kollel and it was a major expense. I so appreciate the simplicity and thought of that gift. For the next kids we already made do with glass ones from Amazing Savings. |
I also use the glass ones from Amazing Savings. My silver candlesticks are also square shaped so they kind of match. Someday I hope to be able to afford a more elaborate candelabra with branches for each child, but for now I have to make due with what I have.
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Ruchel
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Thu, Aug 24 2017, 7:45 am
I've never heard of that.
If they asked, say you don't afford/don't hold of that if you don't.
If YOU asked... you should have given a limit.
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