How to boost my child’s self esteem?

Motherhood

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 9:30 pm

Not sure if I’m phrasing the question right. Situation is as follows: ds1 is oldest, reserved by nature, and a follower (especially of ds2). Ds2 is not yet 2, but is playful, more outgoing, and not at all a follower of big brother. I see one being totally like me and the other totally like dh. My question is: how do I boost ds1 to think and act on his own without always wanting and doing whatever ds2 does? They are very young now, but this will eventually become where the younger brother overpowers the older brother. Anything I can do now to make ds1 be independent and thinking for himself?

oneofakind

Mon, Nov 05 2018, 9:35 pm

Great that you are noticing even the kids are so young. Start with helping older son get to know himself. His strengths, his likes and dislikes. Discuss why he prefers one thing over another. Become his mirror. Help him develop his own interests. Self esteem is not about saying a whole day, "You're the greatest. Such a tzadik". It's about appreciating yourself.

Motherhood

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 7:58 am

seeker wrote:

I don't think you need to project too far ahead. They are so little now, you don't know how this will play out. Once they start in school, they will be more separate.

I know they will be separate, but I think the older one will always be in the image of his younger brother. I want him to think for himself, starting now. When I ask him what he’d like to drink now, his 1st question is: what does ds2 have now?

Motherhood

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 9:19 am

seeker wrote:

Check back in a few years, 90% odds says they'll be fine.

Im not so sure. I am the younger sister is my family. I’m not very outgoing, but definitely more fun-loving and social than my sister right above me. She never really made it, and we are on edge around each other. She will always disagree with me and add her 2 sense. I think it comes from a lack of confidence. I do not want this for my boys.

amother

Puce

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 11:13 am

I love this question and that you are thinking about this so early. You sound like a great mother. I have a similar situation. My oldest is crazy smart, talkitive, and talented. My second is sensitive, sensory, gentle.
1. Teach your older one to listen to the younger one when he speaks a d not interrupt or disagree. A line we use is "the point is to make people feel loved. Tatty and mommy donthat when you speak, Is that happening by what you are saying?" Also, tell the older one what is great about his younger brother, (and the other wY around.) Everyone needs to feel unique, capable, worthy.
2. Compliment on ideas, capabilities, and effort
3. Look your child in the eyes often. It's sad that we need a reminder of this, but with our busy lives and phones, it can be missed.
4. Fulfill his requests whenever possible (like to read a book, go to a park, cuddle with you)
5. Role play stressful situations at home so your child can learn mastery. (Like if he is afraid of dogs, nervous about the Dr etc).
6. Tell him you love him!
7. Give him one on one time every day, my email at bedtime.
Part one is: You show love him and show interest in him and value him=he will believe it about himself.
Part two is allowing him to be seen and heard and values within the family Dynamics.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 12:53 pm

I think its disturbing that you grew up in a home where you can define your adult sister as "never really made it." If she had some kind of cognitive impairment or severe developmental issue, I would have hoped you could speak of her with compassion even though you have more capabilities. And if she just doesn't live up to your standards or your parents standards, perhaps it would help to examine your negative viewpoint especially in light of how you see your children.

Motherhood

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 2:28 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for these ideas. Will try some.

Motherhood

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 2:33 pm

amother wrote:

2 things: first, I was responding to seeker which said that 90% odds in a few years they’ll be fine. I was countering her argument with that of my sister that never became confident, thinking for herself, or high self esteem. This is what I call “having not made it”. I want something better for my kids. second, sorry I if I used the wrong terminology. It depends what you call having “made it”.