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Forum
-> Parenting our children
FranticFrummie
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:04 am
How do you feel about kids going to a cemetery? (Assuming they are not Cohenim.)
When my friend Esther passed away, DD was 6. She knew Ether was very ill, and that she had died. DD did not go to the burial. When I got home she was very upset. She's a sensitive child, and wanted to know everything. She had nightmares about what happened to Esther's body, about what "dead" meant, and a bunch of other things.
A few months later a good friend's father died, and she was very close to the family. We spent a lot of Shabbos afternoons with them, and it was a sudden death. I decided to bring DD to the burial. She was very serious the whole time, and just watched quietly. When it was time to shovel in the dirt, she insisted on standing in line and participating. Then she went over and gave the widow a long hug and cuddle.
After that, all her fears and nightmares went away. She saw that people were sad, and saying goodbye, but that it wasn't traumatizing. She saw people at the shiva house who were telling nice stories and not being overly upset. The widow thanked me for bringing her, and found it very comforting that DD cared so much.
I realize that's not usually "done" in most circles, but in this case it was fine by everyone.
If your child knew the family, and could behave in a mature way, would you allow them to come?
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amother
Sapphire
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:08 am
If it's a close family member or friend, I see no issue in taking kids to the cemetery. They can say a kapital tehillim.
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pesek zman
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:09 am
Yes. I have brought my young child (almost 3 and again and 3.5) to a cemetery. Though it’s not ideal (and had It been a school day I wouldn’t have brought her) I see nothing wrong with it. I think it’s critical tthat kids learn to pay respect/comfort etc from an early age so it’s not more scary than it has to be. I know my extended family (cousins) are horrified but it was meaningful to me to have my daughter pick out a stone to put on my grandma’s grave.
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amother
Seafoam
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:27 am
I think it's fine as long as the child will behave properly. When my grandfather died, my oldest was five. I arranged childcare during the funeral and only brought my kids to the shiva (my father and his siblings wanted their grandchildren at the shiva). One cousin brought her five year old and six year old to the cemetery. It was winter, there had just been a huge blizzard a few days before, there was a lot of snow on the ground. The children spent the duration of the burial building a snowman and pelting each other with snowballs. Their mom periodically shushed them and gave the death glare, but it wasn't really effective and they kept playing in the snow. Now, those kids weren't doing anything outlandish. They were doing exactly what kids that age should be doing when they're outside in the snow. The parents should have expected this and not brought them to the cemetery.
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grace413
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:42 am
Impossible to know how kids will react. My DD was 9 when MIL died; we had already been living in Israel for 6 years so I don't think they were terribly close but my DH wanted her to come to the funeral.
It did not go well and a friend of ours left early and took her home.
Also have to take into consideration that here in EY people are generally not buried in coffins which tends to make funerals more traumatic.
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abound
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:53 am
funerals - generally speaking I would not
Cemeteries- I would if the situation was right (but only in E"Y)
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Ruchel
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 12:33 pm
Only for "old" situations and when it can't be helped or if you know they don't mind, and again NOT burial or month etc (exception for nursing babies nd stuff)
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amother
Aquamarine
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 12:56 pm
Our little darlings were taken to a cemetery for the first time on a regular day, not for a levaya or hakamat matzeva. This way they were able to visit the family kevarot in a calm, not-overly-emotional way, and get used to the idea of cemeteries and death.
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pesek zman
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 1:04 pm
abound wrote: | funerals - generally speaking I would not
Cemeteries- I would if the situation was right (but only in E"Y) |
What’s the difference between a cemetary in Israel or anywhere else?
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forgetit
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 1:20 pm
I would and did, but not to funerals. I actually never went to cemetery for funeral either.
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abound
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 3:36 pm
pesek zman wrote: | What’s the difference between a cemetary in Israel or anywhere else? |
There is an "inyan" in the USA (could be other places too) not to go to a cemetery unless a person lost a parent.
In EY it is considered normal for children to be taken to a cemetery, in the US it is not done. so culturally, I would take children in EY, they are not traumatized by it, it is a part of life for them, in the US if you would walk into a classroom, I think most children if not 100% have never stepped into one. In EY you would almost not find a 10 year old who has not been to a kever. (meron, Teveria, Har Hamenuchos ie. Even if it is to tzadikim and not family,) it is something they grow up with.
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Zehava
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 3:52 pm
I’ve taken my children more than once. I’ve explained death to them in language that they understand, and they’re perfectly okay and untraumatized.
ETA to a funeral too. They were pretty close to the niftar and I wanted them to have closure. They remember it vividly and I think it helped them deal with it.
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amother
Sapphire
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 3:56 pm
My nephew passed away, we were very involved in his care and my kids were extremely close to him. We take my kids to his kever to say tehillim, they ask for it because they feel so connected.
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FranticFrummie
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 4:01 pm
pesek zman wrote: | What’s the difference between a cemetary in Israel or anywhere else? |
In Israel, people are not buried in coffins. There's no generic looking casket. There's just a body wrapped in a kittel/shroud, so it's very obvious that there is a deceased person there.
It really depends on the kid. DD takes things very literally, and would be fine with it. She is far more afraid of the unknown, than she would be of having the truth staring her in the face.
Other kids would rather not see things so obvious, and would be much happier not knowing about the details. In that case, a casket is just another pretty box, and not as scary.
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amother
Smokey
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 4:03 pm
abound wrote: | There is an "inyan" in the USA (could be other places too) not to go to a cemetery unless a person lost a parent.
In EY it is considered normal for children to be taken to a cemetery, in the US it is not done. |
Never heard of an inyan, and I live in the US. I agree that it happens less often here. In my family, we do it by kid. When my parent was niftar, for both the levayah and hakamas matzeivah, we looked at each kid by where they were holding, what they wanted, and what they might regret later. In one case, one child didn't go but a younger sibling did. We let another sit on the ground and read a book because we thought she needed the transition of being there but couldn't do it full on.
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Zehava
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 4:13 pm
abound wrote: | There is an "inyan" in the USA (could be other places too) not to go to a cemetery unless a person lost a parent.
In EY it is considered normal for children to be taken to a cemetery, in the US it is not done. so culturally, I would take children in EY, they are not traumatized by it, it is a part of life for them, in the US if you would walk into a classroom, I think most children if not 100% have never stepped into one. In EY you would almost not find a 10 year old who has not been to a kever. (meron, Teveria, Har Hamenuchos ie. Even if it is to tzadikim and not family,) it is something they grow up with. |
I grew up going to my grandfathers kever at every yartzeit. It was a normal part of life.
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amother
Orchid
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Sun, Jun 16 2019, 8:08 pm
The minhag in my family was for people not to go to the cemetery if both of his or her parents are alive. In case it matters my roots are from Ukraine/Belarus/Poland
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Ruchel
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Mon, Jun 17 2019, 5:20 am
Some Yekkes don't go unless one (or both) parents...
Not everyone does this. My husband doesn't hold.
Oh yes, in Israel, no coffin. It is VERY VERY VERY jarring. My family fought it at first, they were suggested a coffin with holes but then convinced it was better like this so they went for the thick black thing. Sorry for the tmi. I could never hande this in real I think and NO WAY ON EARTH would I show my children even quite aged. I see why for many women remain outside!!bis 120 please
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Rappel
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Mon, Jun 17 2019, 6:07 am
My parents took us to all the funerals as a child. I'm not sure whether it was an ideological thing, but it did give me a context for death. I have no horror of such things now.
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