How long can I keep calm

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:14 pm

Surrendered wrote:

OP, you described my son to a T! Same situation, it's extremely stressful. You're Welcome to reach out to me via PM. I might be able to guide you somewhat, the way we're dealing with our child.
It's not an easy road to travel.
Hugs, I feel your pain.

Can I pm u?

amother

↑ Apricot ↓

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:16 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I really really really recommend that you read the book the explosive child. It is the best method for dealing with kids like this. It is researched and evidence based so you know that it works. A lot of the same information is available for free at www.livesinthebalance.org.

These kids aren’t just explosive.
They are missing a social function that makes them act crazy.

You can speak to dr samuel Manderman he helped us diagnosis our son well.

Mainly it’s firm and emotionalLESS.
Give your order and stick to it.
No emotions of anger, frustration form you because that causes a ripple effect .

And NEVER argue with them. They don’t listen to reasoning or explanations.
Their brains can’t understanding reasoning.
Say why you need to and ignore.

There’s a great book that helped us immensely I will look for it soon

Update- it’s called Smart but Scattered.
It really helped us understand our child.

↑ dankbar ↓

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:37 pm

This. You are clearly emotionally entangled. Disengage so it doesn't escalate & you won't eat yourself up.
When you made your announcement to everyone that supper is now. Don't nudge him. Focus to serve the people who are at the table. Whatever happens in regards to food is his problem after that, not yours.

With such children the more control you want, the more it will backfire. Now he is a teen, you need to back off & let him make his own decisions. Best if you show him that you trust him & daven he should make the right choices. That will give him the power bezras Hashem to actually make the right choices once he is older. The more you are on top of him, you do let, you don't let...the more he will fight you & do his own thing.

amother

↑ Apricot

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:14 pm

dankbar wrote:

I don’t like to tell my kids in general you must eat NOW.
Sometimes I’m not either in the mood.

What I do is I clearly tell my ODD child- please tell me when you’re ready to eat anytime until 9:00 (or whatever time works for you). After that kitchen is closed.
I also give him reminders here and there- it’s already 8:00, or there’s almost no more time left to eat, etc

↑ dankbar

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:19 pm

this advice if she doesnt want to have an open restaurant 24/7. Has a full family to feed & not only this child. Also it's a way of disengaging from the fight & focusing on the others so every detail/encounter with him doesn't mess up her entire family

#BestBubby

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:24 pm

Zehava wrote:

Get yourself into therapy
Clearly your dysfunctional background is causing you to take this treatment, be a martyr, and allow yourself to be stepped on.
The kid is a teen, clearly, and if this is how he treats you and you treat him like a king in return, who knows what he will put his poor wife through.
Time for him to grow up and be a man, and for you to stop enabling him and allowing him to abuse you.

THIS!

Kids are spoiled rotten, treat their mothers like slaves - and will probably do same to their wives. I blame the "experts" who exhort Moms to treat their children like "kings" and make no demands for basic respect/menthlichkeit. No telling off or discipline allowed. Does NOT work!

amother

Ivory

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:25 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

I was going to suggest this. Say it calmly and have him understand that you see he isn't always in the mood of eating when its suppertime, but your kitchen cannot be constantly at his service. And tell him before it happens again, that if let's say he still doesn't want to eat and the kitchen is closed, which options will be available to him (sandwich, yogurt, whatever.)
Stay calm and empathetic.
You got this, op.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 2:22 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Totally does not work.

He is not a type of kid that I can explain or tell him whatever I have to say. like if u come late im not sure there will be supper left.
My question to this is if im obligated to save supper for him when he comes back so much later ? If something important comes up, he cannot be on time for dinner or whatever ect. I would save. When its constantly happening for no good reason coming to eat 11 pm . Of course doesnt stay same amount of food as when he comes earlier. I dont mind to wait an hour late though, im talking about coming back not before 3 hours later. He is not a buisness man that comes home after full day of work that I should have to be there for him so late, if he came home from yashiva 10 then yea I would have the obligation to pamper him but that wasnt the case. He got many messages that "dinner might not be there later for him" and then he came home tantruming. He is not a kid who would listen anyways if I told him clearly what his options are , he doesnt accept eventhough I say "come early as possible so u have a full fresh dinner waiting for u" or whatever

FranticFrummie

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 10:49 am

If he is old enough to stay out so late, he is old enough to make a sandwich.

Do you have a microwave? If so, plate up some food from dinner, and put it in the refrigerator for him. He can warm it up when he gets home, and he'll have a nice full meal.

Other than that, you have NO obligation to run around after him like he's a toddler. Nobody ever died from having to eat a yogurt or cereal for dinner, I promise you.

It sounds like you are terrified of him not liking you. That is a huge problem, and needs to be addressed in your therapy right away. Once you get a handle on that, most of your other problems will melt away.