How do I control my 4 1/2 year olds outbursts

leahj

Fri, Oct 29 2004, 8:27 am

I really could use some advise on a few issues. My son is generally pretty good, but when he has an outburst - it is usually a few days. Example

no, you cannot use the stapler right now because we are going to bed.

son (after crying and jumping up and down) I want to use it !

me We can play with it tomorrow - as I put the stapler away up high (I only let him play with it supervised)

son - I'm going to get a chair and get it myself
me- no you are not

son - I don't have to listen to you
I stare him down (make sure the stapler is high enough so he cannot get it) and start to go upstairs with the other 2 children saying how much fun we are going to have because we have new fun toothpaste.

Wow - it sounds like it actually worked - why do I just want to collapse and cry after a full day of episodes like this? Like - I'm not listening to you, I won't stay in my room, I'll come down stairs. Grabbing things from his brothers hands, pushing him when he doesn't get what he wants.

I call my mother (who had a terrible time babysitting him last sunday - he made her cry) - big mistake - since I a m a Baal T'shuva, she makes subtle remarks about how all of this is because of "the pressure he is under " What pressure mom? "Well he has to say brachas, and all the restrictions - he needs to just play and be a 4 1/2 year old" He does play mom, he goes to school everyday and loves it. "I know, he needs school, he does love it, but it is a lot of stress for a 41/2 year old - you need to speak to a professional."

Do I? My mom never raised a boy - nevermind an active smart (and smart alec boy) Please help!!!!!!!!!!!

Rochel Leah

Fri, Oct 29 2004, 9:29 am

I have a brother in law who is that age too, and we has his outburts you dont want to be near him, some kids are just born with harder teprements then others. it is normal to want to close you r door and cry ...

Maybe try giving him choices..like " either mommy is going to have to take away the stapler or you could put it away".

When he gets physical, or misbahaves you can three strikes your out. for the first time he does something say thats strike one and thats it no lectures, and the secodn time strike two, and so on till strike three. once they've reached strike three- they need 'timeout' for the time of their age- he would 4.5 minutes- set an alarm clock or timer, and tell him ' you need to take time out to think about what you did, and take time to calm down,because you must be really angry to have done .......such and such. I am setting the clock for 4.5 minutes- for how old you are and when it rings that means you can come out"

Don't lecture too much cuz they dont understand them. rather use less word like "shoes'" then "pick up your shoes cuz it makes a mess and the house doesnt look nice when they are on the floor etc etc etc......." I saw this tip in "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" but I ahve never tried it...

whatever I say is from what I hear and as being a camp councelor ( my baby is 17 months and doesnt yet talk back)- as I read in a book- you are the best parent until you become one- you always have advice for others, but when you're there, and its too close to home its difficult.

Hatzlacha rabbah!! Remember " this will pas"" one day he will be a talmid chachem and you will joke about all his tantrums....

Tefila

Sat, Oct 30 2004, 9:31 pm

Hi Lisaj I have been there done that with more than one of my kids. Garnish your husbands support and be firm very firm NOT WICKED though Wink

even if sometimes you feel like it though!. And I am not a believer in potches but ONCE in awhile can work wonders!
But I would try the choice thing first though and do reward him daily for good behavior than weekly etc with only 3 chances. It will pass promise!

Last edited by Tefila on Wed, Dec 22 2004, 9:48 am; edited 2 times in total

ForeverYoung
Guest

Sun, Oct 31 2004, 2:56 pm

a friend of mine was walking down a street., when she heard and than - saw a young woman, walking with (or rather - half-dragging along) a screaming, kicking child. The woman kept on repeating: "It's o'l, Ruthy, we're almost home, don't worry, we'll be home in 2 minutes, Just a little bit more, Ruthy" She walked over to this woman and said: "I am so impressed how you're handling Ruthy's tantrum. The woman replyed: "I am Ruthy"

I would sugeest the HUG THERAPY. Found it in Rabbi Tworsky's books. Children crave attention, and they preffere negative attention over no attention at all. Some children need more than average amount of it. Therefore, even great, wonderful, loving familys are mot immute to attention deficit. Cure: extra hugs & verbal aplroval. Set a timer & every 30 min. stop whatever you're doing, go over to the trouble maker & hug him and tell him how much you love him. Praise positive behavior, telling "you're such a good brother, helper, listener, etc" Give him 1on1 time just 5 minutes with a favorite book might do it. Take him w/ you on errands.

Also, give him choices: put that down is an open-ended statement, it does not give an alternative. Put that down and come, I'm about to start reading a book. You want to put your shoose on yourself like a big boy or shoudl I do it for your like for a baby? Do you want to get dressed so that we could go outside?

Another one: I found that if my kids are home & I need to work, if I spend aobut 15 min w/ them, they will not bother me & pay nicely while I'm working for the next 45 min. or so.

As far as your mother goes - you need professional advice from an experienced Rav on how to handle it. Wait & see what she will say to his double curriculum in Yeshiva, school on Sunday & Zizis w/ undeshirt under his clothing in the summer heat.
Parents can be a tough deal. See if she will read a book: "When black becomes a rainbow" by a mother of a BT. Don't remeber the author, can look for it, if you'd like.

Good Luck!

micki

Sun, Oct 31 2004, 7:48 pm

just this weekend my 4.5 yr old was hysterical I forgot her "chickie" animal she sleeps with- hystery like you cannot imagine. sooooo I spoke very quietly and waited till she stopped srying, then told her, if you were the mammy and yuo had a little girl what would you do? she actually stopped to think and told me if I lay with her it will help her fall asleep...

so if wants the stapler tell him if you had little boy who neede to go to sleep...
or give him a choice, we can put the stplera away nicely and you cn play wih it tom. if you do, or you can go to sleep screaming and yuo won't get to play with it for a day. your choice.

I think its also an age of trying to figure out who is in control.

with your mom I think you need to talk to a pro but my input? mom, I appreciate your concern for his religious pressures, but right now I need help with a typical 4 yr old behavior.

leahj

Wed, Nov 10 2004, 3:44 pm

Thanks for all the support - sometimes it just feels good to get out the emotions. Also, the choices and positive support have helped out great.

Another friend gave me this idea that has worked wonders.
Everytime one of your children does a really good mitzvah, they get to pick out a marble and put it in a jar. Once the jar is filled - they get to do whatever special thing was predecided -I.e. a family pizza party with balloons, an ice cream outing, a trip to the indoor playground, a small toy, etc.

Same goes for doing something not nice, but in reverse, you take a marble out of the jar. This also promotes ahavas yisroel, bcse all are trying to work together.

Tefila

Wed, Nov 10 2004, 7:55 pm

Quote:

Another friend gave me this idea that has worked wonders.
Everytime one of your children does a really good mitzvah, they get to pick out a marble and put it in a jar. Once the jar is filled - they get to do whatever special thing was predecided -I.e. a family pizza party with balloons, an ice cream outing, a trip to the indoor playground, a small toy, etc

I love, love, love this idea ... I will try it, right away ... or maybe... tommorrow Very Happy

Rivka

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 2:08 pm

Good ideas, but I don't get the hug therapy bit, if the child is misbehaving, giving them a hug for that will only make them think they should do it more.
Wanting to play with a stapler at bedtime maybe he wants your undivided attention? You could make his bedtime a special mummy and child time, where he gets to choose a book before bed and you read it to him at bedtime.

faye

Sun, Jul 24 2005, 8:09 pm

Try proactive chinuch. When everyone is a good mood, such as when you're tucking him into bed, talk to him about kibud av v'aim in a positive way. Ask him what he thinks you and him should do to help him do the right thing. Positive reinforcement usually works best.
You could try using a chart for kibud av v'aim. When you catch him listening, he gets a star/sticker on his chart. If he doesn't listen, he loses one. A chart should only last for one week-so the end is in sight and when the chart is full, he gets the prize.
Also, sometimes, kids act out more when they are tired or hungry.