How harsh have you had to be with your kids?

amother

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 9:11 am

Anonymous enabled forum for a reason. No judgement. This is clearly the thread for mothers whom have been driven to levels of discipline they never would have dreamed of doing, but need to do in order to keep the family functioning and safe.

I'll go first: the levels of lack of discipline here have reached unbelievable heights. My little ones have run into the street. Talk back is normal here now, and complete disregard of any rule we set. My kids have played/touched with everything dangerous these past two weeks. And when I say something, I now say it 4, 5, 6 times, and they don't hear me. I never dreamed I would yell at my children, but after a week, yelling doesn't even startle them anymore.

Today I did it. I sent each of my children to their beds to calm down for 15 minutes, no talking. I policed them, and any time one of them spoke, I slapped their hands. I never dreamed I would use corporal punishment, I never dreamed I would yell at my kids. But I needed them to understand that imma means what she says, and time out and time in and reasonable consequences mean nothing to them. so I did it.

Your turn.

twizzlers1

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 10:44 am

I have been much less strict with my kids than usual since they don't have to get up in the morning. They also didn't have homework assignments that they had to get in on time. That might change after Pesach. They did need to do some school work and of course helped me with Pesach. I feel like what I'm asking from them is reasonable and they are really helping when asked.
I'm sorry op that you are having such a hard time this is really not easy for anyone. Do you let screen time? because I am letting much more than normal even my 5-year-old but honestly without that I would have lost it. It is probably the one thing that is keeping our family sane.

mha3484

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 11:04 am

Personally, I take a different approach. I feel like when my kids are most out of control they are most in need of connection. This has been a very traumatic month for our kids and I try to be as empathetic as I can. Where I live the Governor announced school closures at 4pm on a Friday and we had to wait the whole shabbos and sunday to find out what the plan would be from the yeshiva. Its not easy for any of us but I feel like our kids dont get enough empathy.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 11:19 am

OP,

Every day since Pessach started I feel less and less patient. I need more and more breaks. I gave them screen time this morning and after that dh was supposed to take them out so I could finish cooking. He said he would go out "in a few minutes" but it took longer and longer and kids were quetchy around the kitchen and then I told my kids get dressed I'll go out with you now. And then things got out of hand as I was already angry at dh and kids said no, we're not going out with you, papa promised to take us for a ride (it all started because they started arguing so I said let's get out). And then I lost control. Started screaming at dh, why he promised he will take them out, if he won't, they've been waiting long enough, and so on.
Basically I took out my 3 year old in a stroller and went out for two hours. That was GOOD!
I came back and apologized to everyone.
Now dh took them out and I can finish cooking. I also ate half a package of my favourite youghurt. I think at times like this you grab anything you can for your nerves (and lower your standards).
I try to remember also that kids pick up on my mood, punishing does not help in the long run, only connection and care really help.
I totally get you op!
(Today my boys peed on the floor in living room, I was already showered and dressed, so a bit calmer, I said oh, I see, I am going down now and you call me when you are done cleaning up. It helped in two ways- not to scream at them and to get some breathers outside.)

So please please first of all be GOOD to YOURSELF. It will benefit everyone (as boys will be and stay boys:)

sneakermom

Tue, Apr 14 2020, 11:19 am

When my kids are out of control I work on connection and structure.

I spend time with them. Cuddle and connect.

Then I set up a little plan.

Let’s get dressed, eat and a little davening and then....A Treat:)

I am persistent without being reactive to get this done.

The more attachment the less harsh discipline needed.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Apr 15 2020, 8:40 am

I have had a couple of moments when I have completely lost it, and been the Worst Parent Ever. I immediately burst into tears and apologize, but long after DD has forgotten it, I still beat myself up about it years later.

The best thing to do is de-escalate as quickly and calmly as possible. (Fake it until you make it.)

Call all the kids to a circle, and sit down on the floor. This is very grounding, and puts you at their level. Speak very quietly in a low voice, so they have to strain a bit to hear you. This will automatically reprogram their brains to lower their voice. It's called "vocal matching", and it's a built in instinct. Then, start a calm activity like coloring books, or read them a story. Do this for about 15 minutes, until everyone is breathing normally and reacting in a peaceful way.

Lehavdil, this works with dogs, too! I've worked with abused dogs for most of my life. A dog that is fearful, barking a lot, or otherwise acting inappropriately will automatically look for you to be the leader. If you yell at a dog that is barking, they will just bark louder. "FIDO, SHUT UP!" dog thinks "OMGosh, mom is barking! It must be an emergency! I must bark louder! We can all bark together! I don't even know why we are both barking, but the barking must continue!"

If I get down to the dog's level, make eye contact, and quietly say "Fido, no bark." then the dog will automatically calm down. Then as soon as the dog is quiet, say "Good Fido, no bark" and pop a treat into his mouth.

I promise you, this works. The second you forget and yell, your dog will freak out all over again. Lower your voice, and your dog will think "It's OK, mom's not upset, so I don't need to be upset."

Children are pack animals. They will do what their Alpha does! LOL

amother

Rose

Thu, Apr 16 2020, 6:05 pm

no screentime here, dh and I are working full time.

kids (especially one) are less cooperative and I definitely had to be harsh Sad

I feel terrible. I do find we have an amazing kesher to the kids and love them. we had many harmonious episodes these past weeks but bedtime is ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG

I have become very unpatient and I really try to deescalate but there is only so much energy I have.

amother

Beige

Thu, Apr 16 2020, 7:01 pm

Oh dear : I had two major breakdowns in my mothering so far. I put my ( then 7 year old) on the balcony in the middle of the night because he woke up 4 times a night straight for months ( and waking me up to ofcourse). I had enough ... I even said if he didnt plan on sleeping through the night, he could stay there,and I didnt want him in the house anymore. somehow it magically resolved itself after that and he is a champ at sleeping now. Second mothering all time low , he is hitting puberty now and tests the boundaries, I let it slip mostly, until he loudly disrespected me in public the other day and I slapped him around his ears. I did not feel it coming , but it happened. I apologised later and so did he. I really hope third time is never going to happen.. but we shall see