Teenage daughter not dressing modestly

amother

Sun, May 03 2020, 6:42 pm

Teenage dd started wearing her skirts very short. She is currently 1 yr post period on set & I know teenage rebellion & need to separate from.parents & figure out who u are go hand in hand with the surge of hormones. However I am still so hurt and honestly very embarrassed when she dresses this way. I know I cannot force her (she is an older teenager). I want her to.love & respect dressing modestly & it should stay with her for life. All I tell her is that I am hurt when she dresses this way & I don't tell it to her all the time so it doesn't become nagging. I don't want this issue to interfere with our relationship. I want her to know that despite the fact that I don't agree on her mode of dress I love her very much & always will.
Is there anything else I should do or say? Looking from advice from experienced imas of teenaged daughters only. (I am very grateful for the advice, asking specifically from experienced imas only as I also thought I had all the answers..you really can't compare the advice of an intelligent parent to that of someone who has dealt with situations like these. Hope all well meaning imas understand, thank you all)

amother

Lavender

Sun, May 03 2020, 6:59 pm

I have a seminary aged dd. She went through a phase where she wore skirt and dresses that were mid knee, no stockings and more open neck.

We had a conversation. In my neighborhood, that isnt an acceptable dress code, so she had to cover her knees, elbows and wear stockings. When she went out with her friends, she dressed as she pleased.

Dd chose to go to non BY seminary. She came home and informed me that she donated all her short dresses and skirts.

Moral of the story, dont turn this into a fight. Have a conversation about respecting each other.

amother

Apricot

Sun, May 03 2020, 10:04 pm

Talk to your rav about what the actual halachic tznius parameters are and what is important to stress (ie acceptance, asking her to respect house rules etc). You’ll then have a better understanding of how to speak with your daughter and what you will accept and what she needs to accept in your home etc.

amother

Blue

Sun, May 03 2020, 10:12 pm

Good job on not nagging her. I went through a teenage rebellion phase like this, and I can honestly say the more my mom told me to cover up or change, the more I wanted to dress less tznius. It got to a point where I would hide shorts under my long skirt so she would get off my back! I deeply regret those days now but I learned from them. I came back on my own though. I went through something difficult and I learned that a Bas Melech is every jewish girl! Hashem is our father, a King! A daughter of a King should dress appropriately to her status. I also learned that when a jewish girl dresses tzniusly and acts it too, Hashem will always protect her.

amother

cornflower

Sun, May 03 2020, 10:43 pm

I think it would be more helpful if you didnt make this about you. Telling her that her actions "hurt you" is confusing and manipulating her emotionally. Its not about you and her, its about her and Hashem. Give over the message that you trust her to make good decisions when she is able to. Keep to the facts. Like "this is the standard I would like in the home" We have to show our teenagers that we arent affected by their choices and actions. We are confident and strong in what we stand for. We are loving and accepting of our children exactly the way they are. We also have standards we expect to be kept. Whether she keeps to it or not, is not in your control.

amother

Olive

Mon, May 04 2020, 1:06 am

I'm sorry OP. I've been there too and I know how painful it is. I don't really have good advice for you, but I agree with the posters who say not to make it about you.

Definitely dont make it about "the standards in the neighborhood". I cant imagine your dd will care about that and it's really not part of the equation in any way. The neighbors are the least important people here.

It's good that you're not nagging her, I know how hard it can be not to say anything. Hatzlacha!

amother

Pink

Mon, May 04 2020, 1:27 am

I don't live in a uniform like community. Furthermore, many of her friends and their moms dress differently from the standards that I hold. When DD started to push the envelope I was unhappy and yes, embarrassed to be honest. We established that she believes in Hashem, and thus needs to conduct and present herself as a bat Torah. We learned the Halachot. She dresses herself based on what she believes and learned, not based on what mommy said, not what the community dictates, and not based on what her friends are wearing.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 04 2020, 7:08 am

If she's past bat mitzva, then what she does is between her and Hashem.

I was in the bank once, and there was a very frum woman with a daughter about my DD's age. The woman's daughter was wearing tight jeans with rips in it, and a tank top. When the girl went up to the teller, I asked the mom "Is that your daughter?" and she said "Yes". I said "You just have to love them more, don't you?" and she smiled. "Yes, it's the only way."

If struggling with skirt length is her only battle right now, thank Hashem. Clothing styles will come and go. Your DD's mental health comes first. If you fight, she will only distance herself from you, and from Yiddishkeit. Focus on your DD's good points. If she has amazing middos, gets good grades, and hangs out with nice girls, then that's what really matters.

Remember that the pendulum almost always swings back to the center, sooner or later.

Ora in town

Mon, May 04 2020, 7:26 am

I think it's a huge opportunity to show her you love her, independently of how she dresses or what the neighbours will think. This is the most important message she needs to hear now from you: that she is more important to you than the neighbours or "society".
It's a sensitive spot for you, since you mention that it irks you that this way of dressing is not acceptable in your neighbourhood.
Teenagers love to do just that, push buttons where we least like it (otherwise, it would not be a button), but in reality they need to be reassured that we love them the way they are...
I think that every mom who has nothing worse to argue with her daughter than the length of her skirt is very fortunate, and the daughter too...
Best approach: let it go, wait, drink tea...

amother

Purple

Mon, May 04 2020, 8:11 am

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Disagree.
If you raise your children to value respecting others somewhat they will. No they should not be pushed to keep every standard in the community but they should understand in the neighborhood to walk around more decent - with a skirt that is somewhere where the knees are, shirts not being too open, not being loud, blasting non-jewish music - it's not JUST about tzniyus.

amother

Olive

Mon, May 04 2020, 8:46 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

I hear your point. The way I see it is that you have to raise your kids to
1. Respect Hashem
2. Respect their parents
3. Respect others

A teenager who is struggling with respecting Hashem and her parents most probably isn't going to care about respecting the neighbors. And when the parents make it about respecting the neighbors they risk making it appear like all they care about is appearances and that's a major turn off for most teens who are struggling.

amother

Purple

Mon, May 04 2020, 10:41 am

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

I still disagree. I have a sister who is 17 and not so religious, and I know many of her friends. They may wear pants when they go to ben yehudah but they don't here. Not just because of my parents. Because they respect the neighborhood. My sister has little respect for Hashem or my parents - but she is still very kind to others and understands to respect.

If a teen can understand you don't wear pants at the kosel, or in a shul, they can understand not to wear it around the neighborhood.

Now I'm talking about the big things, like wearing a skirt that somewhat covers the knees vs a miniskirt or pants. Not "Don't wear black nail polish, don't wear your hair down because of the neighbors"

A young female teen can understand her body is very attracting if she is wearing pants, or a mini-skirt and NO ONE else is - and that it's unfair to the neighborhood she lives in who tries to watch what they see.

malki2

Mon, May 04 2020, 10:42 am

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

Definitely agree that OP should not make this about herself re being confusing and manipulating. I just want to make one point. Of course this has to be about the daughter, not the mother, and the mother should feel like this as well. However, not everyone is perfect. Sometimes the parents do get embarrassed by their children and that’s ok. And obviously the parent should not share this with the child. But what IMHO is even worse than the parents telling the child that they are hurt/embarrassed by the child’s actions is if they put on a fake face and say that “we only care about you etc.”, when in reality they show with their actions and facial expressions that they care more about their own embarrassment. Because the children will see right through that. And even if they try not to show it, if they don’t believe it, the children will still see through it. Because children can see right through hypocrisy. Parents need to believe and say and show that they care about the child, not just say it. And if they are not at that level, they need to work on it until they get there.