Generally good kid who cant handle occasional disipline

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:26 am

My dd is a people pleaser. Well behaved and well mannered girl bh (little high strung but thats beside the point) this morning she woke up wayyy too early and was overtired I asked her to get something she didnt want to and she just picked up a book in front of her and threw it at me. It was out of character for her but I still pulled her aside to talk to her and somehow the little speech caused her to cry for over a half hr. There is a pattern here.. even thou she was very tired she definitely isnt used to being disciplined and she does not handle negative feedback well at all! Any advice?

crust

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:37 am

How old is she

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:38 am

Read up on oppositional defiant disorder ODD

Or it’s possible if this only happens in mornings, then she’s not rational for the first hour of the day or so.
Let her be.
I’m like that and everyone knows to stay away from me in the morning!

Zehava

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:40 am

Well behaved and well mannered can be code for “learned to stuff down her feelings because the grownups couldn’t handle them”.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:40 am

Does this happen when she’s not overtired?

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:41 am

Find a different way to discipline her

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:42 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

She’s well behaved and pleasant- how is she odd? I hate that term as I feel there’s usually a reason behind a child’s behavior

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:44 am

How old is DD? I'm a grown woman, and the slightest hint of disapproval can still make me cry if I'm very overtired! I'm just sensitive that way. When I've had enough sleep I can take things in stride better.

It sounds like you may need to get your point across in a more gentle way (I'm just guessing here.) Instead of telling her what she did wrong, ask her what is bothering her so much that she felt she needed to throw a book.

I find that asking kids what's wrong BEFORE I jump to discipline is most often incredibly enlightening. You get to know all kinds of things that are going through your child's mind, that you never would have guessed. Maybe she is worried about a test, or her friend at school was mean to her yesterday? You won't know until you sit down and listen.

Of course it's wrong to throw a book. I'm not giving her excuses. Find out what is going on, offer some empathy, and THEN tell her that throwing books is not going to fix her problems. Then offer to help her with whatever is upsetting her.

I'm a huge fan of team problem solving. "Parenting Kids with Love and Logic" is my go-to parenting book. "Parenting Teens" is also excellent when you are dealing with older kids. It was a game changer with my DD, who could be very difficult when she was feeling anxious or nervous about something.

If you can get your DD to "brainstorm" with you about how to make mornings run smoother, or how to avoid outbursts, then she will feel like you are taking her seriously. Once she feels invested in coming up with a solution, she is much more likely to comply with the rules that she herself helped create. Mainly, she wants to feel like things are "fair", and that's the beauty of teaming up with her.

Hatzlocha!

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:08 am

Zehava wrote:

Well behaved and well mannered can be code for “learned to stuff down her feelings because the grownups couldn’t handle them”.

Shes 6. I think shes just a type A oldest. We definitely don't do anything as parents to teach her that emotions- positive or negative arent welcome in the house. On the contrary- her sister right under her is fairly moody Wink

but when I tell her sister that its time for a break because shes creating quite a stir- it usually works. Older dd just cant seem to get past any disapproval...

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:09 am

Thank you FF ! Gonna look into the books...

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:12 am

Zehava wrote:

Well behaved and well mannered can be code for “learned to stuff down her feelings because the grownups couldn’t handle them”.

well behaved, well mannered, people pleaser and can’t handle discipline sounds like a very anxious kid. Perfectionism anxiety. Not necessarily the parents fault, more of a wiring issue. OP I would reassure her, but not excessively, that you still love her and she’s still a great kid, even if she messes up every now and then.

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:13 am

Thank you FF ! Gonna look into the books...

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:14 am

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

You nailed it! Shes definitely an anxious kid! I even spoke with a childhood psychologist and was given some tools but dont know how to deal with the disclipline issue..

amother

Blush

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Regarding the bolded, does she have a right to say no to you if she doesnt want to do things for you? People who are people pleasers generally are afraid to say no because they have been punished in the past and have learned that they dont have the right to self-autonomy, so what is your reaction if she says no when you ask her to do things she doesnt want to do? How have you treated her in the past when she said no to your requests?

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You nailed it! Shes definitely an anxious kid! I even spoke with a childhood psychologist and was given some tools but dont know how to deal with the disclipline issue..

for us this was a form of ocd due caused by brain inflammation

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:51 am

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

This was absolutely my DD. With maturity, and the help of Zoloft, she is now functioning beautifully both socially and academically.

It's definitely a wiring issue, and I also learned in parenting classes that being over reassuring will backfire and make DD more anxious. When I started to dial back on it, she slowly got better and better.

This is the book that was used in the parenting class, given by Seattle Children's Hospital:

https://www.amazon.com/Helping.....5NQF6

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