Tisha B’av and teenager who won’t fast

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 5:31 pm

My DD is 13 years old. She has a diagnosis of DMDD ( a mood disorder) and is a very rigid, defiant girl. She also little impulse control and has tremendous difficulty with keeping mitzvos ( or any rules)
She is on meds, in therapy and goes to a special school. She already told us that she is not going to fast on Tisha bav / We spoke with our Rav about this year, I can accept that this is ok on a halachic/ hashkafic level, given who she is.
Any ideas on what I can say to her ( don’t just want to say well since you can’t understand things on an age appropriate level, it’s ok if you don’t fast) ? And any ideas on what I can say to her older siblings ( who will be fasting) and her younger siblings who are expecting her to fast because she is over bas mitzvah?

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 5:33 pm

This calls for a discussion with your LOR, in my opinion. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this! Hug

southernbubby

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 5:36 pm

Don't give her any attention over it and tell her siblings to look the other way as well.

banana123

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 5:41 pm

Just tell them you spoke to the rav, who said she has a heter not to fast. They know their sister is on meds and in therapy, so it makes sense that this is part of the package. No need to provide details, "the rav said" is enough if they ask (and they may not).

Stars

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 5:52 pm

Hugs. Like the others said, don’t make a big deal out of it and if any of the kids do ask say the rav said she’s not allowed to fast. If they live in the same house as her I believe they will automatically understand.

notshanarishona

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 6:27 pm

I presume their are other ways which she is different also? I wouldn’t make a mention of it and leave it to her discretion.

amother

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:12 pm

OP here. Thank you everyone.
Everything that you all said makes so much sense - just needed an outside perspective to point this all out!
Just to clarify, our Rav didn’t say that she should not fast - just that in general, she is Chayiv in mitzvis at her level, and the importance of keeping her in the fold and to remind her that we all just do our best.
May we merit to celebrate Tisha B’av as a chag this year!

naomi2

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:25 pm

The rav's advice sounds really good and I'm happy for you that you have someone who understands.

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:25 pm

Poor girl! I have a mood disorder and have a hard time fasting too. It's not easy to be different. See it from her perspective.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:32 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

Poor girl! I have a mood disorder and have a hard time fasting too. It's not easy to be different. See it from her perspective.

I think an adult voice is probably very helpful for OP. But it sounds like she does have a healthy handle on this and compassion for her daughter.

Stars

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:36 pm

Op you sound like a very loving and attuned mom. That is the best gift you can ever give your children, especially if they are “different” in any way.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:38 pm

Hugs to you dear Amother. I really understand your pain. My daughter has a mood disorder too and won’t be fasting either. She’s nineteen and my other kids also get confused at times when she doesn’t keep mitzvos. It’s hard!

I basically gave my kids the message that this particularly sister is going through a hard time and we are taking care of it and that’s why she does things differently. For example, she never benches and sometimes the younger kids complain, “But what about big sis, she didn’t bench”. Usually I ignore that comment or just emphasize that everyone is an individual. Also I sweeten it with a bribe such as bench and then you can have a treat. Just because I’m trying to deflect away from that child, and not put her down, while encouraging my other kids to do mitzvos.

It’s hard. You have my sympathy. I really get it.

amother

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:39 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

I think an adult voice is probably very helpful for OP. But it sounds like she does have a healthy handle on this and compassion for her daughter.

Yes, this daughter has taught me to have compassion and empathy for others like no one else can could have taught me - I have a long way to go... but BH in a good place - I tell HaShem I’m ok being “ junior partner” to guide her in this world, but I need Him as “Senior Partner” to help me!!

amother

Sun, Jul 26 2020, 7:42 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

And I empathize with you!! It is so so hard.

banana123

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 2:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So the rav said if she doesn't feel she can do it, she doesn't have to fast. Or something along those lines.

Page 1 of 1