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Forum -> Parenting our children

How to go about it?

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amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 3:21 pm

Hi imamothers! I need your advice please.
DC loves to read and we have an entire collection of books. I really want to get rid of the secular books but I want to know how to do it carefully and what to tell DC. Thanks

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 4:30 pm

Are you a reader yourself?
I’m a big reader, I’ve been reading all kinds of things since I’m very young. I went through periods of trying not to read secular content but but I have found that the quality and selection of the Jewish books just cannot compare and I am now back to reading secular.
I think it would be extremely hard on your child to take away his hobby... might be the kind of thing that would have to come from the child himself. Maybe a slower transition would work better. Not abruptly throwing out all your books.

behappy2

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:10 pm

Easier to just stop buying new ones than to get rid of ones you already own.

anonymrs

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 5:48 pm

I would do it slowly .Every time you get rid of a secular book, replace with a Jewish book, or even 2 secular books for each new Jewish book.

BetsyTacy

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 6:02 pm

Obviously this all depends where you are coming from, but if as a preteen or teenager my parent or anyone else had thrown out my secular books, you would have had a rebellion on your hands. Books are not just books, they are friends. Now at age 5, I probably would have gotten over it. But at 13, 14 or 15? Are you kidding me? My books were pretty darn chaste and wholesome. Telling me they were not good for my neshama, even if non Jews were celeberating a December holiday, would have made me see red and not look very kindly on whatever brand of Judaism you were pushing. I would have sneaked them anyway. If they took away the few books that I read that I shouldn't have read (none of which I owned or were "old friends"), well at least I would have seen the logic to that.

teachkids

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 6:08 pm

First stop buying secular and start buying Jewish. If you get to a point where you have enough jewish, offer to buy more on the condition that she gives up the same amount of secular. Don’t try to take away without a replacement.

amother

Gold

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 6:11 pm

Donate to the public library.
Then buy Jewish.

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:04 pm

Thank you for all these great replies. It is important to mention the age of said child-8. We have plenty of jewish books too. I will replace but my question still stands- what do I say to DC? He'll notice it missing from shelf.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:20 pm

do you live in a community where people read secular literature? Where I live I have seen one of the heads of the kollel's wife at the library with her son who is a voracious reader. If I had asked her how does she let her son read secular books I don't know if she would have laughed, stood there in shock or said something like have a son like mine and then we would talk.

Honestly I don't know that I would remove any books I know he likes, I would just hope he outgrows them and focus on getting jewish books he likes but...

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:43 pm

I also want to add that it's my husband who introduced these books and I want that to stop. It's not so accepted in my circles. Whenever neighbors come over, first thing they grab are these books..guess there's something to it! P.s. they don't have such books in their home.

BetsyTacy

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 9:48 pm

I will grant you that 8 is different than 13. It's hard to remember how I felt at 8. But I still don't think it's a good idea to donate/give away any book that he is not done with. He may end up just deciding to keep a few, but that should really be up to him.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You can keep them in an unobtrusive place.
There is no way your child won't notice if they start going missing.
Unless there is really something objectionable, I would let it go. And from now on, the books that you buy can be the ones you specifically approve of.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:16 pm

I'd have a talk with him and encourage and even bribe rather than just abruptly throw out.
My parents stopped buying secular books when I was around 7 or 8, because my reading level was maturing and they didn't want me to read secular stuff on that level. I did try to borrow from friends or neighbors but had a hard time getting secular books in my more sheltered community. I signed up for the Jewish library and read about every Jewish book out there.
When I turned about 14 I started sneaking to the public library and staying up late to read after my parents were asleep. My mom found a receipt when I was 16, told me how disappointed she was, how she doesnt want these things in the house etc etc and I just started reading a lot less, because I didn't want to get caught using the public library again so I only went on my very few school days off while the parents were at work. I started texting my friends or going down the YouTube hole at night instead. A little after I got married I started using the library again, and I take my kids as well. Going to be hard to censor as they get older though, I'll probably just encourage the school library instead at that point.
Oh one point I forgot- my elementary school library was very very limited, and my high school didn't have a library. I'm a big believer in schools having full libraries so that kids don't feel the need to use the public libraries.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:28 pm

op how does your husband feel about getting rid of the secular books? My husband is much more in to secular stuff than I am. I'm far from thrilled about it but I know I won't win the battle so I've for the most part given up but he knows how I feel.

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:41 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

I didn't discuss it with DH but I hope he'll get it. This kid is so open minded already. I can't think what he'll want to read in a few years from now. DC is not demanding specifically these books yet, so I want to stop it as long as it's up to us.

giselle

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:51 pm

Honestly it’s going to be very hard for a kid who is used to secular books to start enjoying Jewish books.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:55 pm

giselle wrote:

Honestly it’s going to be very hard for a kid who is used to secular books to start enjoying Jewish books.

That's also true. Both for quality as well as quantity.

tichellady

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 10:57 pm

I don’t think this is a great idea and I don’t know what makes a book Jewish vs secular if you are talking about fiction. Instead I would focus on the content of the books, rather than the authors religion

amother

Silver

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 11:05 pm

I understand you dont agree with your dh but since he introduced them, I think it is not healthy for your relationship to go about it this way. I really advise you to be upfront and open and deal with this together as a couple who comes to an agreement.
I know you didnt ask this, but .......its a good idea iissm.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 11:12 pm

If you were talking about YA fiction with questionable content, I'd understand, but with little kid books I can't see any kind of problem. What can possibly be wrong with books geared at 8 year olds, besides the fact that the neighbors will look at you funny?

Just keep the secular books in a different part of the house. Neighbor kids do not need access to every single thing. I keep all my secular books in a wardrobe with the doors closed, so that when anyone comes over all they see is the seforim that are packed into my book cases. (Nobody needs to know that I like vampire fiction, LOL!)

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