Getting Engaged | Imamother

amother

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 7:31 am

My daughter is gout out with an amazing amazing guy. The shadchan spoke to both my daughter and the guy and they’re both ready to get engaged.
My daughter is waiting for him to bring up to topic/ tell her he likes her/ enjoys spending time with her/ wants to get married to her.
All he said was that he wants to meet her parents. He said it very casually..
Apparently he’s very shy and it’s hard for him to open up when it gets to these personal things.
My daughter really likes him and she knows that he likes her too, but she needs him to just tell her that he wants to get engaged to her.
This is all new to her and she’s not sure if she should just speak to him about it directly to tell him that she really like him and definitely wants her parents to meet him, but she also wants him to tell her that he wants to get engaged to her.

What are your thoughts? Is she asking for too much or do you think it’s very good that she wants to open up to him about this?

They both grew up more modern, flipped out and are now yeshivish

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 7:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think he will probably only ask her to marry him after his parent meet her.

Success10

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 7:40 am

Does he know from the shadchan that she is also interested in getting engaged? It's very hard for guys to open themselves up to rejection of that magnitude. It would help if he knows that broaching the subject will be met with a positive response.

essie14

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 7:46 am

Why can't she ask him where he sees this relationship going?
If they're ready to get engaged they should be able to express their feelings to each other.

I do know a few married couples that the wife proposed to the husband. Some guys are just too shy to do it themselves apparently. He might just need her to coax the words out of him.

SYA

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 7:47 am

He should be saying how he enjoys spending time... that is part of the lead up to getting engaged - expressing feelings and sharing with each other.
if he’s closed and shy and won’t say it now, he may not be a very verbal person. Is she ok with that in marriage?

How does your dd know he really wants to progress and it’s not coming from the shadchan? She could be the one who told him to ask about meeting parents. The shadchan may be pushing the young man. In order to know he’s really progressing and leaning towards an engagement he needs to find ways to verbalize how he feels and where it’s leading. That builds trust and shows your daughter where it’s really going. Telling the shadchan to tell him doesn’t always work. He may say it but not mean it. The shadchan could tell him that she needs to hear how he’s feeling/ how it’s progressing in his own words.

heidi

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 8:02 am

Your daughter should not even be thinking about getting engaged to a guy that she has never had a personal, intimate discussion with.
There should be a couple of dates where they've expressed their feelings and pretty much decided but haven't made it official. This will give them the opportunity to get to really let their guard down and get to know each other. When they can freely tell each other how they feel then and only then should they be getting engaged.
That's basic human interaction.
No matter how frum you are.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 8:21 am

Let him meet the parents. Let them go on a few more dates without any pressure. A few extra dates never killed anyone. They don't need to rush into anything, even if the girl is chalishing to hear those precious words. She needs to cool her jets and just let things happen naturally.

According to my family history, my mom "Chased my dad for 6 months, until she got him to propose to her." My dad is a real gentleman, and "didn't want to pressure her or make assumptions." Being a typical guy, he wasn't picking up on all the clues that my mom was so into him! Mom had to make it abundantly clear that she was interested "in that way. Wink

"

I'm not saying the girl should be so straightforward, just that some guys can be shy to make the first move for various reasons. A few more dates and some deeper discussions about the future (kids, where to live, what schools to send to, jobs, division of household chores) will set the tone for thinking about marriage.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 8:38 am

I the yeshivish world when a boy says he wants to meet the girls parents or wants her to meet his parents, it’s code language for saying he’s ready to get engaged. He will ask her straight out and be more free with his words after the parents are met. That’s how it is. It happens right after.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 9:23 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Though this may be true for some, my very yeshivish DH got a bit more personal than that with me when we were dating, and it meant the world to me. I do think it's possible to coach a guy to say something to a girl. Tell her he really likes her, tell her he enjoys her company and envisions a future with her. It will prep him for more things he will B"EH say in the future.

And though it may work for some, most people I know want a verbal proposal from a guy. You need to be able to communicate in marriage....and it starts beforehand.

If the guy is shy, he should speak to the Shadchan or a dating coach. It's very important, IMVHO.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 9:24 am

heidi wrote:

I absolutely agree with this.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 9:25 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Actually I’ve found that in the yeshivish world, meeting the parents just means they want to meet her. It’s standard protocol after a certain amount of dates. Doesn’t mean anything.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 9:30 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Actually I’ve found that in the yeshivish world, meeting the parents just means they want to meet her. It’s standard protocol after a certain amount of dates. Doesn’t mean anything.

It depends. I've heard some will meet a girl after x number of dates. If it's early on, it's meaningless. A friend of mine told me she meets any girl after I think 4 dates, she tells the Shadchan this upfront so no surprises.

But some really only meet when it's almost a done deal.

When my BIL was dating my sis, he figured she'd hit it off with his mother (she did!) and it would help his case, as he was more ready than she was. So he told her it's just that his parents want to meet her, no pressure....but in reality once she met them she relaxed alot, she saw how nice they all were, and it definitely helped his intentions Smile

amother

DarkOrange

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 10:01 am

kenz wrote:

Don’t the girls parents generally meet the boy on the first date?

I'm from oot and my husband and I dated in town. He didn't meet my parents until the 6th date. We still went out a handful of times after that.

I think the shadchan suggested he meet them then before it becomes too much of a statement for them to meet. If he had met them by let's say the 8th date then we would basically have been saying we're getting engaged. And my parents understandably wanted to meet him before that point (and I wanted them to as well). Any earlier also would have made it too big of a deal because I lived far.

amother

Valerian

Fri, Aug 27 2021, 1:27 pm

my daughter was going out with a guy, he was also a quieter guy, they went out on a lot of dates and then wanted to meet us, we all thought they were getting engaged, after he met us I think he got nervous that it was getting serious and said he wants to take a break. That was a few months ago. So until the couple actually gets engaged anything can happen