Who will they marry?

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 7:10 pm

The number of autistic children in the frum community is really high, I read so many posts of people with shalom basis issues because a spouse is on the spectrum and I look at my ND children and wonder who will they marry? Will they marry? How will they have relationships? Yes they have therapy and medication (where applicable) but what happens when they hit shidduch age and beyond? What happens to this generation of ND children? I can cope with parenting my ND kids but will they live with me forever? Will I need to financially support then forever? What is their future like?
Some days I just want to cry.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:09 pm

I wonder the same .......and cry with you and daven for all of us.

amother

Impatiens

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:11 pm

I try not to worry about the future, otherwise I'll be sucked into a deep dark hole. But that's just because we still have a good few years before he's of marriageable age.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:18 pm

Some us marry men on the spectrum and have happy-enough marriages to someone loving and responsible and reliable, if not the most emotionally expressive.

I can’t say I haven’t felt lonely sometimes (I did tell the shadchan the boy seemed “cold”, but I didn’t know anything about dating or boys, and he hadn’t ever gotten a diagnosis or anything…), though.

My brother also is on the spectrum. He’s already in his mid 20’s and has anger/depression issues that my husband BH never had. My brother still lives at home and is feeling more and more left behind by the world as his mainstream peers get married and start families, but better that he has the self-awareness not to get married if he doesn’t want to deal with having a wife and living independently.

I don’t know what to say, OP. One of my teenage sons is on the spectrum too, and I have no idea what life has in store for him and how much my hishtadlus will affect anything.
Hugs. So many hugs.

amother

Lime ↓

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:23 pm

This is why I will never stop working on healing my child.

amother

Pansy

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:28 pm

There are programs where people with special needs can get married. They have support staff etc. Also some people who are higher functioning live at home but they do have jobs. Others yes they might live with the parents forever. You don't really know what the future brings

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:34 pm

Maybe at that point there will be shadchanim for autistic young adults to marry each other.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:56 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Maybe at that point there will be shadchanim for autistic young adults to marry each other.

"At that point" for some of us is now. Sad

. However...

Halevai my 2 of age should have their act together enough that I'd start looking.

amother

Cyclamen

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 9:25 pm

I have two children close in age on the spectrum. Very high functioning however as children extremely challenging.
They both got engaged and married within 6 months of each other.
Miracles.
Each to spouses without an official diagnosis, but exhibiting some minor social quirks and just a bit different.

I will say my children received tonz of help over the years, are medicated for particular issues but are spectacular if not quite quirky people.
I cried bitter tears over them and could not have imagined either of them would marry.
Hashem has his ways and all we can and need to do is pray our hearts out and never give up trying to help our children. The greatest challenge I found was working endlessly to get them the right kind of help without them feeling they needed to be fixed.

amother

Blush ↓

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 1:24 am

I do think about this. I hope that since my son is in a mainstream yeshiva and is still young, that by the time he’s ready to date he’ll be in a much better place. Being surrounded by neurotypical kids his age all day is already helping him tremendously!

amother

Steel

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 3:51 am

amother Blush wrote:

Or he will end up traumatized from the insane bullying he will experience as he gets older, like my brother.

My brother is HFA/Aspie ( diagnosis at the time) and he is taking longer then others to be ready for marriage, but I do think he will get there. His issues are more executive functioning related then ability to connect on an emotional level. He is slightly awkward socially, but his socail skills are really very typical. He read and learns a lot about emotions, communication ect.

I belive that once he finishes college (masters in economics) and gets a high paying job, and doesn't need help with executive functioning, he will make a great husband and father. Probably to a girl like him, but not necessarily.

Incidentally my grandfather who has many of the characteristics of HFA got married in his early 30's, and I am AANNE and it seems like people see there kids move into independent adulthood in there 30's.....

Chickensoupprof ↓

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 3:57 am

amother Lime wrote:

This is why I will never stop working on healing my child.

Good luck

↑ Chickensoupprof

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 4:39 am

OK. There is a trend in diagnosing children anyway. When I was diagnosed 20 years ago in the Netherlands it was mostly negative. My parents were given a list of how I should be and it was all super stigmatizing.
I didn't understand myself, I just started reading a lot about friendships so I knew how to do it. My mother in particular could act very desperate and ask all the time 'why' I wanted or did certain things. And to this day she can still whine that I don't have my baby stuff in order and that I'm extra vulnerable like I'm becoming some crack mom. The stigma has been very big in my life. Was my arm twisted in high school by a fellow student? I had to empathize that another teen also had a little problem just like me. Was I told to be gassed? I was autistic so I didn't understand jokes.

Good. There are several things going on in diagnosis country. Firstly, a lot of research is being done into diagnoses, which means that diagnoses are made more quickly. Secondly, society has become much faster and more complex, which means that more and more people cannot participate properly. The only reason to be able to participate is to get a label, because only then will you get help. Here in the Netherlands you have the problem that there has been a lot of cutbacks in education in recent years and the classes have become larger and that if you have a child in the class who falls outside the boat, the child will be diagnosed quickly because only then will the school receive money for coaching. There is also enormous pressure to perform and excel, because that also gives a kind of status.
Third problem, is the rise of the internet and social media and the fact that anyone can come up with a diagnosis themselves and find everything from the diagnosis without any scientific foundation. This is often also stigmatizing. Especially new-age websites talk about how someone with ASD has a ''highly sensitive soul'' or if it was the parent's fault, or the fact that you had antibiotics for an ear infection when you were 3. While that has never been proven, but the internet is a rabbit hole with algorithms that can make you believe that water is not wet.

The most damaging is the stereotyping and navel-gazing on the diagnosis as the sole definition and identification of the person who has the diagnosis. And that hurts the most, at least for me. I did 4 studies and did not complete anything, partly because they knew about my diagnosis and kept calling me to it and refused to explain what they expected of me because according to them: 'Without autism you knew, you just have the feeling that we expect from you is not at your fingertips''. I couldn't say anything about it then because I rightly felt less than the other person who was like a kind of god.

I still see myself as an untermentsch, a stupid goose who can never see the light because I don't decide on the gift that someone without ASD can have, and therefore any criticism of my functioning is justified but also very painful. Because the fact is, I have no ground to stand on. I don't think I have the right to defend myself in this. This feeling has led to depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior more than ASD in general.

The fact that I managed an entire kindergarten class on my own for a few weeks on an internship was nullified because the diagnosis is stared at and not looked at what I can do and how I can be better. I could have become a kindergarten teacher if society had given me the chance. But the stigma is that I should be very good at IT, Mathematics and Physics. I'm also Jewish, so am I also good at diamond polishing? Banking?

So my advice, nice the diagnosis is a tool and yes it is nice that I have a coach who helps me organize my house, or help me to work. It says nothing as a person. We really are sometimes too strict and too prejudiced against the people with a diagnosis. As a child I was not even allowed to make a sound without it being shifted to autism, did I have to leave class or what. Without looking at what preceded it, and how something could be prevented without judgement, without saying "you are the untermentsch, you are the cancer in the class" not that that was literally said but that is the feeling that you get in the long run.

So my advice? Stop staring at the diagnosis and throwing everything on the diagnosis, I see so much on facebook groups and imamother that parents throw everything on autism when it is often just child behavior. Do not expect too much, society has become far too demanding in recent years. Also, stop overbearing behavior.

My mom directed my friendships which made me even more struggling with friendships, she can still say 'I didn't know what to do with you'. Which is very painful. If your child has some ASD or ADHD and just has an average IQ and can keep up in a normal class, see what he/she needs at that moment, and what gives him/her confidence. Give yourself a rest too, are you often negative about yourself? Go to therapy. My mom still says she's stupid, well I've said the above even worse things about myself and I blame her for not working on her self. Children take that behavior into the classroom providing their "problem" behavior and then blame the diagnosis again when the diagnosis is often just extra sensitive spot being triggered. No, I can't stand crowds and a lot of noise around me, I have to take my rest afterwards if I don't I can be even more different socially, these skills and knowing yourself and making it positive is difficult but it is best to live with all the vulnerabilities we have.

Think of it this way, say you have a bad leg, but you can walk and run and play, but with some activities your leg plays up and you have to rest, it hurts and makes life a little more difficult. Instead of screaming blood and murder all the time, I think it is better to be positive as a parent yourself, to be meikel about the bad leg and to make sure that you accept the leg YOURSELF so that the child also accepts it and you finds strength there to see what would help the child to be able to run around anyway and shouldn't feel like inferiour if he needs to take rest or whatever.

In the end, only the people (therapists etc) helped me who did NOT explain autism to me all the time (my mother still thinks there is a manual for me in a drawer somewhere). I have been helped by talking to ME about MY sadness, pain, and the things I struggle with without making autism as something determinative. In the end, the experiences surrounding the stigma hurt me more.

LovesHashem

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 5:18 am

Whoever is receptive to therapy, self work, will find someone for them.

There's lots of people out there. All you can do right now is try your best to instill in them good middos, get the therapies and help they need, and push them to be self aware and independant young adults that can learn to be flexible and look at the world in shades of gray as well.

Not everyone is capable of getting married, it's a spectrum. And you may try as hard as you can to get your child the proper help but they may not be open to receiving and learning.

amother

Chambray

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 6:50 am

There are many adults who have undiagnosed ASD and adhd, many of them are happily married and getting over their difficulties with their spouse, there are many such ppl who are struggling in marriage.
Today there are many ways to help children who are diagnosed with asd and although there is a long way to go there is much less stigma attached these diagnoses so children who are diagnosed early and given therapy and coping skills are in a great position to lead successful lives, especially if parents are aware of what difficulties could present themselves in marriage and looks for a suitable partner.
ETA not all of them will be able to get married obviously but there is a big chance of success.

yachnabobba

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 7:04 am

My son does not speak - yet
My son is not mainstream-able -yet
My son does not read or write as far as we know.
Marry? I wonder if he will be able to call a taxi!
I can not tell you how sad these posts make me… why is my tzara the biggest??? I haven’t had one sane day in the last 8 years..
Marry- ha I wish that were my problem
(Sing ayn yiush)

amother

Daphne

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 7:18 am

Everyone has strengths. We all can work on ourselves. If we see our child struggling, help them learn a skill. Get them in the habit of cleaning, cooking, helping others. I have met people who are considered regular who are terrible at relationships and self centered too. Adhd can make a person quite capable in the real world. They are more creative and less judgemental. My daughter remembers names and ages, phone numbers and addresses. Such a skill can be helpful in a job. The key in my opinion is to teach them how to be flexible and compromise. That's all you really need in this world.

amother

↑ Blush

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 11:59 am

With ASD, as us mothers knows, there is a huge range. Some of our kids will grow up and learn how to compensate for areas they struggle in. Others will sadly never be able to “mainstream”. Hashem definitely has a plan for each of our children and when they are young our job is to invest all we can in helping them in every area. Then we know we’ve done our hishtadlus and can rest assured we’ve done the best we can to help them.

amother

Snowdrop

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 12:08 pm

Any shadchanim who work with this type

amother

↑ Lime

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 1:20 pm

Chickensoupprof wrote:

Good luck

Laugh all you want but we’ve already made many gains.