She will not share her stuff

amother

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 12:40 am

9 year old daughter has a huge problem sharing. With her siblings, with friends, it’s really hard for her. She wouldn’t let her baby brother hold her teddy bear today. I’m at my wits end. She doesn’t HAVE to share but the stinginess is horrifying.

seeker

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 8:57 am

Let her be. For whatever reason, she feels she needs higher boundaries. When she feels that she is accepted and respected with this, eventually she will feel secure enough to loosen up.

Meanwhile I don't remember which biography or chinuch book this was from but I read about some gadol or just smart person who had a stingy kid so they gave them a lot of "privileges" like being the one to give out Shabbos party. It wasn't their things they were giving away but it exercised their giving muscles and let them feel the happiness of giving to others without the struggle of threatening their own space. I thought that was genius.

amother

Snapdragon

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 9:02 am

seeker wrote:

I do something like this from when my kids are tiny toddlers. I’ll hand them two bananas and say give one to your brother please. I do this with things like tissues, cups of water, fruit etc. then I level up to the candy, and they come to expect the process so they will easily hand it over.
B”H my kids so far are not possessive over their stuff, but I don’t know for sure if it’s something I did or just in their natures.

amother

Snapdragon

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 9:02 am

That being said, she doesn’t have to let anyone touch her stuff. The more you try to force her, The more control she will want.
Give the toddler a different toy.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 9:06 am

The not sharing itself wouldn't bother me as much as whatever is underlying it. That's not developmentally typical for a 9yo. Is there a bigger picture OP? Is she generally amxious?

seeker

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 9:11 am

amother Pewter wrote:

The not sharing itself wouldn't bother me as much as whatever is underlying it. That's not developmentally typical for a 9yo. Is there a bigger picture OP? Is she generally amxious?

Doesn't sound developmentally atypical to me. Unless there are extreme episodes OP didn't share, this is within normal personality differences.

amother

Yolk

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 10:00 am

OP, kids are allowed to have their personal stuff that are only theirs! Why does she need to let her siblings hold her teddy? That's a very personal item for many kids. She has her boundaries, and that's ok.
Forcing kids to share will backfire. It has to happen naturally & through good modeling. No preaching or forcing.

Rutabaga

Fri, Feb 17 2023, 10:44 am

There's sharing and there's sharing. Children are allowed to have special items that are only theirs, like teddy bears or dolls. Then there are toys that become more communal, even if they are bought specifically for one child's birthday, such as building toys or games or puzzles.

OP, you should encourage your daughter to have some boundaries, but to share toys that belong to the family. If she has some control over what's hers then maybe she won't try to exert control over other things. Have her keep her special things in her room, or if she shares a room, then get her a box that's all hers. But also explain that anything outside the box is for sharing.