Can I share a real win?

amother

Mon, Apr 24 2023, 10:23 pm

I can't share this in real life but so much want to say thank you to Hashem.

One of my teens had a really bad year last year in school. He ended the year being kicked out and moving to a different school. His yidishkeit really suffered - at some point he secretly bought himself a smart phone which we knew about but he point blank refused to filter it. We consulted long and hard and we were told better to leave it than to let him go looking out of the house for it. We made very specific conditions and davened for the best. (I don't want criticism and comments here, I'm obviously not giving you all the details of why and how a child can refuse to filter etc.)

NB We're a yeshivish family and we don't allow internet access for kids. We believe in teaching them safe usage as teens but only on the family computer, in the dining room and with a very strict filter.

The pressure was crazy. If the school found out, he would be out of his new school as well. And what about my other kids seeing what he's doing?

bH he's been doing really well in his new school. The big news? He gave me the iphone this week to keep for him because he wants to try to stop using it. He hasn't touched it since he went back to school after Pesach.

I can't share in real life because no-one knows he had it! But this is so, so massive.
I hope this gives some chizuk to people who are struggling with their kids. There is hope!

109

amother

Hydrangea

Tue, Apr 25 2023, 3:53 am

I have the chills…. As I’m reading about your son and your family it was almost as if I wrote this. However yours is the ending we’re davening so hard for. I’m so happy for you! May he continue to grow and be matzliach. Hashem should continue to give him the courage to choose right from wrong.

Although we don’t have the same happy ending (yet) we experienced something yesterday that we can’t tell anyone either.
Ds went back to Yeshiva yesterday. He’s been saying all pesach that he’s not going back and wants to get a job. He almost found a job last week doing something he was very interested in. Last minute it didn’t work out and he was devastated. He decided he’ll go back to Yeshiva but on his terms. He’ll go in the morning and try to find a job for the afternoon. He said if the rosh yeshiva makes him leave because he wants to work in the afternoon then he doesn’t care and will just leave yeshiva for good.
Strangest thing happened. The rosh yeshiva called him into his office and told him that someone called and asked if he has any bochur looking for a part time job. He offered the job to my son! And here’s where it gets crazier. It’s in the exact same field as the job he wanted so badly last week.
So now he’s officially still in Yeshiva.
He has the exact part time job he wanted.
He’s going to work with the Rosh yeshiva’s bracha which is not something he thought would happen.
Still hoping he will give up his phone. It overtakes his mind and doesn’t allow him to care about davening and learning.
Yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin!

amother

Tue, Apr 25 2023, 4:24 am

amother Hydrangea wrote:

That's almost a nes galui! Real hashgacha. And what an amazing Rosh Yeshiva!

iyH you should continue to see growth. I never imagined this could happen even while davening.

amother

Burntblack

Tue, Apr 25 2023, 5:23 am

amother Hydrangea wrote:

Wow, unbelievable, IY"H he should be Matzliach in Yeshiva and at his job!

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, Apr 25 2023, 5:31 am

So glad to hear….
Was just coming here to post, that my smart, capable, well behaved son wants to change away from his yeshivah to an easier yeshivah, because he wants to have more time to use a smartphone he has without our permission of course! (Every time we took it away we realized he replace it with a new one a while later. We decided our relationship is most important and constantly being in a fight won’t do anyone good.)

I’m so lost at what to do except pray.

He is by no means a shvach bochur and his yeshivah is really not hard on him….why put him in a shvach environment- which obviously does not have the freedom he craves - since it’s meant for shvach bochurim they’re usually much more vigilant…?!

Oh where to turn to for answers?

amother

Tue, Apr 25 2023, 10:48 am

amother Nasturtium wrote:

The question is what he's getting from it that he's not getting from school.
My son was being aggressively forced into a mold which he didn't fit and was escaping to the virtual world.
In this new yeshiva, the boys know they all have a harder time. There's a strong sense of camaraderie and the hanhalla are very understanding. The level of learning is lower but he is so much more relaxed that finally he is able to learn. The pressure is off. Result? the virtual world appeals to him less.

You have to ask yourself if he is looking for easy so he can waste time or if this is his way of telling you that he is not connecting to yidishkeit where he is. A different place may give him the space to grow.

And please note: from bitter experience, I can tell you that not all the "better places" give "better yidishkeit". Sometimes the humble places, with none of the shtoltz give the genuine yidishkeit which a real oved Hashem craves.

My son can't stand hypocrisy. He felt his original yeshiva was hypocritical because while they espoused Torah, they really valued other things. In his current yeshiva, they speak about Torah less but it's genuine.

amother

Hydrangea

Tue, Apr 25 2023, 11:38 am

amother Nasturtium wrote:

Maybe nesivos?