Father of bride not invited to her sheva brochos

amother

Lemonlime

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 2:37 pm

essie14 wrote:

Your DD's in laws are the ones being immature. Your husband couldn't walk his own daughter down the aisle? That's horrible and I'd never go along with grown adults acting like huge babies and hurting many other people in their wake.
Your son in law's parents should have said , "we made this child and we will get along for 6 hours for his sake and the sake of his happiness on his wedding day"
To not be at the bedeken of his own son??? That's insane.

I agree with the bolded. At the same time, it is very judgmental to say that they are acting like huge babies. You don't know the circumstances which led to the divorce. I don't even know. But I wasn't interested in causing people pain and not being able to enjoy the simcha.

Cheiny

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 3:48 pm

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

Perfect Solution!!

BTW I would venture a guess that the ex wife/ Kallahs Mom would be just fine with that.
I will let you in on a secret:
Some divorces didnt end amicably. Some ex'es didnt get closure to the extent that they can "get along for the sake of the kids". Its easy to tell someone to just fake it. Not everyone can. We arent perfect.
Some ex'es behaved poorly (sometimes its the wife and sometimes the husband) even after the divorce and emotional abuse continues even after the divorce.

The child can have a great relationship with each parent but not together.

Every divorce situation has its own circumstances. Why one rule for all??

Because the kallah here clearly wants her father there, and it’s her day, and two, because no matter how contentious the divorce, the parents should act civilly in public, especially when it comes to their children’s simchas. The children should come before their own petty need for hostility and revenge.

amother

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 5:56 pm

X wouldnt find it necessary to apologise to my parents, why should he. Hes just doing whatever he feels he needs to...and everyone has to respect and accept him.
Like dd has a right to lookout for her father, have I not to respect my parents pain and wishes?? He has not kept in touch with them for years eventhough my parents tried to keep in touch with him, and had to let go heavy heartedly because of lack of his response eventually.

My family is doing only one sb on shabbos, xs family doing another one on shabbos.

At this point I can only daven for the best outcome

PinkFridge

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 6:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is there travel involved for the ex?

chestnut

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 8:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wait, your family is doing one meal on Shabbos and your ex's family is doing another meal?
Then your daughter will definitely spend time with his and his family that shabbos. I wouldn't worry too much about him not coming to your meal.
Is your daughter worried it'll look weird/unusual if her father isn't at one shabbos meal? Were you invited to his meal?

PinkFridge

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 8:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, he's local

Were you planning to go their meal?

I really don't know what to say. I'm going to post a link, not for you but for everyone who talks about ultimatums, teaching lessons, etc. It's Rabbi Orlofsky. He tells a story about 40 minutes in, about a girl who wants to stay in EY and wants her mother to get on board: https://www.torahanytime.com/#.....43943

essie14

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 6:58 am

amother Khaki wrote:

Her husband displayed major maturity. You'd never go along with it? What exactly would you do, break the shidduch at that point?

I would say, I am walking my child down the aisle. The two of you can do whatever you want, but my child is being walked down by BOTH of his/ her parents.

amother

Ebony

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 7:48 am

essie14 wrote:

I would say, I am walking my child down the aisle. The two of you can do whatever you want, but my child is being walked down by BOTH of his/ her parents.

We're Litvish US and we walked our kids down, our machutanim walked their kids down. Then we had a set of divorced machutanim. They're also chasidish. (The father at least. The mother and kids less so and that was probably part of it all.) A few days before the chasuna my son in law asks about walking down. Turns out his mother was terrified we'd insist on parents and that would have been problematic for them. We laughed and said, mechutan wears a shtreimel. We assumed it would be the fathers and mothers anyway, no problem.

Like Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, ztl, said, his walking down minhag was whatever the machutanim want.

I should add that while it wasn't easy for the machutanim to have to work with each other, I was so impressed, from beginning to end, with how they managed the simcha.

Highstrung

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 7:57 am

amother OP wrote:

That really does change things . The fact that the families are splitting the SB for Shabbos, then I don’t think it’s THAT terrible if he doesn’t show to one of them. Are the grandparents (your parents) being invited to the one that X’s side is making?

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 8:14 am

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

And split the Shabbos Sheva Brachos with the father attending one meal and the grandparents another?

The OP is between a rock and a hard place.
If its possible to get them all to make Shalom before the wedding - even if she has to get their Rav, a good therapist or a close family friend involved. That will solve the problem long term.

I know one similar situation where the maternal grandparents invited the ex to come for a conversation before the wedding so they can clear the air, make boundaries that would make everyone comfortable. The ex ( who had been a Mesarev Get for years ) decided he didnt want to go to the conversation and he didnt show to the wedding either.

This would be nice. Someone with seichel in the middle.
OP, iyH by your family.

amother

Mulberry

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 8:28 am

amother OP wrote:

So he has one meal and your side has the other. That's the best way. X doesn't need to be at your side's seudah. He has his own.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 8:57 am

essie14 wrote:

I would say, I am walking my child down the aisle. The two of you can do whatever you want, but my child is being walked down by BOTH of his/ her parents.

And they'd say, our minhag is that a divorced couple can't walk their child together or that because of x, y, and z, we aren't walking together.
Now what? It's a week before the wedding.

essie14

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:06 am

amother Khaki wrote:

And they'd say, our minhag is that a divorced couple can't walk their child together or that because of x, y, and z, we aren't walking together.
Now what? It's a week before the wedding.

In our circles divorced couples walk their kids down the aisle. We have many friends who have gone through this. I don't think I've gone to a wedding where the 2 mothers walked the kallah, except for some chassidish cousins of DH.

Our kids also date for a long time and we get to know the future spouses and their families well. It would have come up way before a week before the wedding.

dena613

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:24 am

amother OP wrote:

I feel like this is the type of thread where people say the full info is only revealed several pages in.

I think that a girl whose parents are divorced should be able to understand by the time she is 18+ that the families don't feel comfortable together.

Hearing that it's Shabbos Sheva Brachos changed things from page one, because shabbos Sheva Brachos is a convention- it's 3 sheva brachos- and therefore the hurt was greater.

But now we find out- although it is Shabbos, she is going to have her mother and family with her for one seudah, and her father and family with her for another.

The kallah is not going to be missing her father's presence the whole shabbos. I think she should be very understanding and drop it.

And just curious- op, are you going to the seudah that ex's family is hosting?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 11:28 am

amother OP wrote:

The Torah teaches us that we have to make the Chassan and Kallah happy. But not at the expense of another mitzvah of respecting our parents (and grandparents).
Yes you have every right to protect your parents feelings and doing so is a lesson to your dd.
I hear from you that your ex is never going to make shalom- expecting "everyone has to respect and accept him". There is a reason you got divorced...

SInce your parents did try to keep a kesher in the past, can they now be persuaded to swallow the bitterness , accept that Hashem has sent them this challenge, extend the olive branch and invite your ex, for the sake of Shalom? And the sake of future simchas?

If they can, it would be a huge lesson for your dd.

You make shalom with people you dont like, as the adage goes.

They dont have to be BFF's.

You should be zocheh to much nachas from your dd,
I will be davening with you.