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-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Sun, Jun 25 2023, 6:58 pm
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I am feeling extremely sad that I have absolutely no one I can call IRL for chizuk about this. I have major sensory issues, I’m extremely overwhelmed by messes and loud noises (definition of young kids), and my oldest has developmental delays/ADHD. I hate myself when I lose my cool and raise my voice and always make sure to talk to my kids about it and apologize later on when things calm down. But it’s happening more frequently and I’m feeling so beyond lost, sad, and alone. I’ve always had close friends to talk to about these kinds of things, but lately I feel like everyone has become very “fake,” talking has become texting and texting has become sending pictures pretending everything is great. So I’ve played along and now I’m left alone to try and give myself chizuk but I’m exhausted and sad and ashamed and feel like I may as well give up hope. Professional therapy is way too expensive right now since tutoring and various therapies for my kid is taking precedent.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 7:25 pm
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Are you being sarcastic and making fun of me? Totally not judging if you are, I’m just not sure.
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#BestBubby
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 7:31 pm
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Is it possible to hire mothers helper to give you a hour break while you recharge in a quiet room.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 7:32 pm
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That actually looks great! Thank you so much.
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Frumwithallergies
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 7:56 pm
This is something I struggled with for a long time, and finally feel like I have gained the upper hand.
My story may be different from yours, although I can identify with what you wrote.
I have ADD, and get very triggered and distracted by noise, mess, whining, crying and the like. Coupled with poor executive functioning, I often felt out of control of the mes / situation/ lateness ( lack of collaboration of my husband / whatever. I used to feel the yelling boiling up inside me and then explode. It was a double-edged sword: I would feel terrible and my kids would feel terrible, BUT all of a sudden they would listen.
So what changed? Someone told me about a book she was reading, about parenting without yelling.
I didn't read the book. My life is busy enough without it.
However, I thought of one little change I could make in MY behaviour to improve the lives of everyone in my family, myself included: I put myself in time out.
Really.
If I felt the need to scream, I left the situation. I went to my room. Closed the door. Breathed deeply. Until I was calm.
I did this despite sometimes being late for an event; I did this despite the real importance of whatever was going on.
It was kind of like sleep training myself. I changed my behavior until suddenly I didn't feel the need to scream build up inside me.
The upshot is that my kids learned 'uh oh' where is Ima going? They noticed my 5 minutes absence and the older ones (and younger ones) would calm down and get the job done (putting shoes or jackets on , or starting homework, or whatever).
How do I know this to be true? In family therapy 5 years ago, one of my older daughters told the therapist that I was always screaming and yelling.
Just last night, one of my younger children asked me how I stayed happy and calm, even though I had to do a motzei shabbos carpool at 2am for an older dc.
My whole outlook changed slowly. I tolerate mess more. I write lists and make my kids do age-appropriate chores.
The women here can be your sounding board. Celebrate your successes and shrug off your failures as stepping stones on the road to your calm, new you 
(FYI my refrain is 'I can and I will'. There is no room for failure. There is only room for try again and try harder).
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 8:07 pm
| Frumwithallergies wrote: | This is something I struggled with for a long time, and finally feel like I have gained the upper hand.
My story may be different from yours, although I can identify with what you wrote.
I have ADD, and get very triggered and distracted by noise, mess, whining, crying and the like. Coupled with poor executive functioning, I often felt out of control of the mes / situation/ lateness ( lack of collaboration of my husband / whatever. I used to feel the yelling boiling up inside me and then explode. It was a double-edged sword: I would feel terrible and my kids would feel terrible, BUT all of a sudden they would listen.
So what changed? Someone told me about a book she was reading, about parenting without yelling.
I didn't read the book. My life is busy enough without it.
However, I thought of one little change I could make in MY behaviour to improve the lives of everyone in my family, myself included: I put myself in time out.
Really.
If I felt the need to scream, I left the situation. I went to my room. Closed the door. Breathed deeply. Until I was calm.
I did this despite sometimes being late for an event; I did this despite the real importance of whatever was going on.
It was kind of like sleep training myself. I changed my behavior until suddenly I didn't feel the need to scream build up inside me.
The upshot is that my kids learned 'uh oh' where is Ima going? They noticed my 5 minutes absence and the older ones (and younger ones) would calm down and get the job done (putting shoes or jackets on , or starting homework, or whatever).
How do I know this to be true? In family therapy 5 years ago, one of my older daughters told the therapist that I was always screaming and yelling.
Just last night, one of my younger children asked me how I stayed happy and calm, even though I had to do a motzei shabbos carpool at 2am for an older dc.
My whole outlook changed slowly. I tolerate mess more. I write lists and make my kids do age-appropriate chores.
The women here can be your sounding board. Celebrate your successes and shrug off your failures as stepping stones on the road to your calm, new you
(FYI my refrain is 'I can and I will'. There is no room for failure. There is only room for try again and try harder). |
Seriously, Hashem should bless you with continued strength, nachas, and only wonderful things. This is exactly what I needed to hear as I gave ADD too which makes all emotional regulation skills, executive functioning, time management, exceptionally harder for me to literally take care of myself, let alone my kids!!! I’m drowning. I leave the room often but usually it’s after I’ve already yelled so I’m def gonna try this. BH have a very supportive husband who does take over well when I leave the house to cool off. I’m ashamed and embarrassed but I also know that Hashem knows my struggles and has obviously given me the tools I need to overcome this. I just need to continue working on it.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 8:16 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Seriously, Hashem should bless you with continued strength, nachas, and only wonderful things. This is exactly what I needed to hear as I gave ADD too which makes all emotional regulation skills, executive functioning, time management, exceptionally harder for me to literally take care of myself, let alone my kids!!! I’m drowning. I leave the room often but usually it’s after I’ve already yelled so I’m def gonna try this. BH have a very supportive husband who does take over well when I leave the house to cool off. I’m ashamed and embarrassed but I also know that Hashem knows my struggles and has obviously given me the tools I need to overcome this. I just need to continue working on it. |
I was going to ask if you have adhd when you said your kid does. Since I was medicated for my ADHD I'm a million times happier and very rarely if ever yell. Ymmv.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 8:28 pm
| amother Orchid wrote: | | I was going to ask if you have adhd when you said your kid does. Since I was medicated for my ADHD I'm a million times happier and very rarely if ever yell. Ymmv. |
Yes he’s the reason I learned I have it! Yes I’m on meds but hasent helped with this!
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amother
Melon
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 8:36 pm
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You talk about prioritizing your kid’s therapies over your own. While I understand that as parents we put our kids first, I can tell you this is shortsighted. Your child will gain more from you learning to self regulate than from the therapies you invest in for him.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 8:49 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Yes he’s the reason I learned I have it! Yes I’m on meds but hasent helped with this! |
Are your meds otherwise helping you? If so, then therapies might be a good supplement. If not really, maybe a different med or dose change would help? (Obviously take this with a grain of salt if not for you. Changing a med if it mostly helps you is a big deal.)
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amother
Peachpuff
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 8:56 pm
| Frumwithallergies wrote: | This is something I struggled with for a long time, and finally feel like I have gained the upper hand.
My story may be different from yours, although I can identify with what you wrote.
I have ADD, and get very triggered and distracted by noise, mess, whining, crying and the like. Coupled with poor executive functioning, I often felt out of control of the mes / situation/ lateness ( lack of collaboration of my husband / whatever. I used to feel the yelling boiling up inside me and then explode. It was a double-edged sword: I would feel terrible and my kids would feel terrible, BUT all of a sudden they would listen.
So what changed? Someone told me about a book she was reading, about parenting without yelling.
I didn't read the book. My life is busy enough without it.
However, I thought of one little change I could make in MY behaviour to improve the lives of everyone in my family, myself included: I put myself in time out.
Really.
If I felt the need to scream, I left the situation. I went to my room. Closed the door. Breathed deeply. Until I was calm.
I did this despite sometimes being late for an event; I did this despite the real importance of whatever was going on.
It was kind of like sleep training myself. I changed my behavior until suddenly I didn't feel the need to scream build up inside me.
The upshot is that my kids learned 'uh oh' where is Ima going? They noticed my 5 minutes absence and the older ones (and younger ones) would calm down and get the job done (putting shoes or jackets on , or starting homework, or whatever).
How do I know this to be true? In family therapy 5 years ago, one of my older daughters told the therapist that I was always screaming and yelling.
Just last night, one of my younger children asked me how I stayed happy and calm, even though I had to do a motzei shabbos carpool at 2am for an older dc.
My whole outlook changed slowly. I tolerate mess more. I write lists and make my kids do age-appropriate chores.
The women here can be your sounding board. Celebrate your successes and shrug off your failures as stepping stones on the road to your calm, new you
(FYI my refrain is 'I can and I will'. There is no room for failure. There is only room for try again and try harder). |
WOWOWOW love this!!
I guess I sometimes do this subconsciously, and then I feel terribly guilty that I can't handle my kids.
LOVE how you do it mindfully, and that it really helps!!
Will try to implement this!
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mushkamothers
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 9:04 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Are you being sarcastic and making fun of me? Totally not judging if you are, I’m just not sure. |
no way, I was responding to your last point, not having money to spend on yourself but wanting resources.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 9:14 pm
| amother Melon wrote: | | You talk about prioritizing your kid’s therapies over your own. While I understand that as parents we put our kids first, I can tell you this is shortsighted. Your child will gain more from you learning to self regulate than from the therapies you invest in for him. |
I totally agree but I do not think that therapy will help me with unless it’s someone who specifically is trained with helping a mother with ADD to stop yelling at her kids. Do you know of an expert in this area? I’ve been to therapy before and it’s been extremely helpful, but this is the type of thing that talk therapy has not helped me with because in the moment, I am in fight or flight and not thinking straight.
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shaqued_almond
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 9:37 pm
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Here's one thing that works with my ADHD kid: make eye contact with the kid, tell them that he or she needs to speak calmly and then show them a calm voice. They can't get anything until they demonstrate a calm voice back
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amother
Babyblue
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 9:57 pm
| amother Orchid wrote: | | I was going to ask if you have adhd when you said your kid does. Since I was medicated for my ADHD I'm a million times happier and very rarely if ever yell. Ymmv. |
I have the exact same issue.
What meds helped you?
I am seriously considering taking meds.
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amother
Zinnia
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 10:19 pm
| Frumwithallergies wrote: | This is something I struggled with for a long time, and finally feel like I have gained the upper hand.
My story may be different from yours, although I can identify with what you wrote.
I have ADD, and get very triggered and distracted by noise, mess, whining, crying and the like. Coupled with poor executive functioning, I often felt out of control of the mes / situation/ lateness ( lack of collaboration of my husband / whatever. I used to feel the yelling boiling up inside me and then explode. It was a double-edged sword: I would feel terrible and my kids would feel terrible, BUT all of a sudden they would listen.
So what changed? Someone told me about a book she was reading, about parenting without yelling.
I didn't read the book. My life is busy enough without it.
However, I thought of one little change I could make in MY behaviour to improve the lives of everyone in my family, myself included: I put myself in time out.
Really.
If I felt the need to scream, I left the situation. I went to my room. Closed the door. Breathed deeply. Until I was calm.
I did this despite sometimes being late for an event; I did this despite the real importance of whatever was going on.
It was kind of like sleep training myself. I changed my behavior until suddenly I didn't feel the need to scream build up inside me.
The upshot is that my kids learned 'uh oh' where is Ima going? They noticed my 5 minutes absence and the older ones (and younger ones) would calm down and get the job done (putting shoes or jackets on , or starting homework, or whatever).
How do I know this to be true? In family therapy 5 years ago, one of my older daughters told the therapist that I was always screaming and yelling.
Just last night, one of my younger children asked me how I stayed happy and calm, even though I had to do a motzei shabbos carpool at 2am for an older dc.
My whole outlook changed slowly. I tolerate mess more. I write lists and make my kids do age-appropriate chores.
The women here can be your sounding board. Celebrate your successes and shrug off your failures as stepping stones on the road to your calm, new you
(FYI my refrain is 'I can and I will'. There is no room for failure. There is only room for try again and try harder). |
Wow thank you!
I have the same exact issue.
If I go into my room to calm down, my kids will attack my door, try to unlock it, bang it down (this is when my toddlers are tantruming) any ideas?
Also, I tend to yell a lot when they are fighting and hurting each other. What should I do if it’s not good for me to leave them on their own where they will hurt each other more?
I’m not medicated for my adhd, but maybe I should be. I’m just scared to start on meds for life if technically I am functioning.
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 10:29 pm
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wow you sound just like me. Except I have ASD and my oldest has both ADHD and ASD. I'm in therapy (a relative found someone to sponsor me) but it's not enough. I preordered a book called Calm the Chaos if you want to look into it but it isn't out yet. And I always make sure to apologize if I yell. Id say we still have a pretty good relationship BH. It's just so hard when I know I need a time out and the kids follow me instead!
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amother
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 10:30 pm
| amother Zinnia wrote: | | If I go into my room to calm down, my kids will attack my door, try to unlock it, bang it down (this is when my toddlers are tantruming) any ideas? | Right this is a huge problem. I can tune them out but they sometimes do manage to unlock it! I need that breathing room to calm down
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amother
Yarrow
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Sun, Jun 25 2023, 11:20 pm
I know you mentioned you don’t want to spend money, but would you consider investing in a coach if you know the results will be more valuable than the money?
There are excellent coaches out there that help with exactly this. Helping you achieve the specific goals you want, and they help give you tools to get there.
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