DS11 afraid to sleep on his own

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 12:55 pm

DS11 is afraid to sleep on his own but there's no one that can sleep with him as older DS has left for yeshiva abroad. During the week I sit in his room (crazy, I know!) but Shabbos I'm too tired and he makes a real fuss. Ideas?

amother

Almond

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 12:57 pm

Is this new behavior?

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 1:01 pm

amother

Azure

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 1:08 pm

What is he afraid of?

He needs to talk it out.

You are not helping him by sitting in his room till he falls asleep unless it's part of a long-term plan to get him to sleep on his own.

If he's generally anxious, I would give him a tzedaka box and teach him to give tzedaka and say Shema before he goes to sleep. That's what I did when I was younger and so scared to sleep alone.

If there's something more going on, you need to help him deal with it.

B'hatzlacha!

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 1:19 pm

Ok, so now that I asked him he says that he isn't actually scared of anything in particular, he just finds it scary and lonely to be on his own.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 1:30 pm

I'm thinking that I should probably come up with an incentive program of sorts. It's just that he already has one for a learning program that he must do and I'm wary to keep offering charts and prizes, that's why I haven't jumped to it just yet. He does have a projector in his room so it isn't entirely dark.

amother

Bronze

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 1:38 pm

I have an 11yo like this too. I'm not so sure that it's pathological. Like, many adults share a room or even bed with a spouse... and I know I for one have a hard time falling asleep when my husband's out of town.

amother

Azure

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 2:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok, so now that I asked him he says that he isn't actually scared of anything in particular, he just finds it scary and lonely to be on his own.

I agree with you that he doesn't need an incentive chart.

He needs to feel more comfortable on his own.

Some of my ideas:
1) He's never alone - Hashem thus the shema and tzedaka idea from earlier
2) He can ALWAYS go to you if necessary (I do not support locking doors) - let him know if he's scared he can call for you and you'll go to him
3) Leave a light on in closet/hallway/bathroom
4) Giant stuffed animal/cozy blanket - something he can hug and feel to give him comfort
5) You stay for 10 minutes, then leave. He can come out if he tries to sleep for 30 minutes and it doesn't work.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 2:25 pm

amother Bronze wrote:

I agree.

On the other hand, it is what it is and it's not about to change so we gotta find a way to make it work.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 2:27 pm

He's the one who should be working with you on the ideas, not us. He knows way better than we do what he struggles with and what might help him in a way that also works for you.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 2:30 pm

amother Azure wrote:

Thank you. Great ideas. He knows he can come to us if necessary and he sometimes sneaks in and puts himself to sleep on the floor, mostly if he's not feeling well. He has a projector, which provides light and makes the room more cozy. And he has a stuffed animal, throws and pillows.

When we originally bought the projector we had a deal that I would sit for 10 minutes and then leave, it worked at first but something came up at some point to make it not work anymore. I can't remember what happened.

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 2:32 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

He's the one who should be working with you on the ideas, not us. He knows way better than we do what he struggles with and what might help him in a way that also works for you.

True, but he doesn't want to. He's perfectly happy with me sitting at his bedside and he simply won't go to sleep if I don't.

amother

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 10:12 am

Anyone have first hand experience managing this successfully? I'm sure it will resolve itself anyway at some point but I'd love to hear how others have dealt with it.

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