Social dynamics in 11 year old girls

amother

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 12:36 am

Please advise me on what to do and what not to do to help my daughter feel a part of the crowd. In earlier years she made friends on her own merits. Now I feel she’s not part of the “in crowd” at all. It’s like somehow she can’t keep up with his girls and she’s not cool enough. I’m the one who is hyper focused on how her social life is. She’s mostly happy but when she does tell me sometimes about how certain girls always have each other’s backs and she’s not one of those lucky girls it truly breaks my heart. Many of the moms are friends with each other and so automatically the cards are stacked against us. I feel so guilty, like my lack of a better social life is directly impacting her. These families are not so easy to break into. They’re not mean, but they don’t so easily include others. They seem to have solid circles of their own. What do they need anyone else for? I’m an outsider, different neighborhood.. of less $ means. They seem so oblivious to anyone around them. It’s not even a thought to speak to others outside of the circle who aren’t connected with them. My daughter is super mature which might be a strike against her. She’ll never talk back to anyone or ever say anything mean. It kind of feels like that in and of itself isn’t the norm and so she stands out. I had a very difficult time with socializing as a child and teenager and I would just do anything to not have my kids go through what I did. They are so fair, empathetic and deserve better. Please help. I’m open to other perspectives, reframing things, modifying expectations, I have no idea what I can do.

amother

Viola

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 12:39 am

It sounds like you have your eyes and mind set on her being part of an “in crowd” and that’s not happening. Maybe the best place for her is with more regular girls, not the “in crowd”. If you stop focusing on reaching those girls and encourage your daughter to be friends with girls within her reach, she may find true friends and true happiness. But you have to give her the feeling that you respect that.

dena613

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 12:41 am

Lots of girls this age don't have close friends.
This is the time that they are trying to figure themselves out, figure their peers out. It's okay. Give her time.

And lots of times, you really won't want her to be friends with the girls who are friends and their mothers are friends... they might be exclusive and cliquey.

You say your daughter is mature.
Trust her.
She will figure this out.

familyfirst

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 12:44 am

It’s painful to watch, but this might bother you more than it bothers your daughter. Yiu can it relive your life through your child.

Hopefully she will find a circle of friends who respect her qualities. And just saying that the in crowd may not be happier than your daughter. They have their own internal issues

amother

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 2:51 pm

Thanks, definitely a good point. I guess what had me thinking that way is that when she was five and six years old, her friends happen to naturally be the kids in the “in crowd.” it just hurts me a lot to feel like the only reason it didn’t continue is because those mothers didn’t reciprocate play dates and things like that. Meaning, I feel like it had more to do with who our family is than who my daughter is. We couldn’t keep up with whatever plans, special events, etc. the others did. Also, I feel like when parents meet you, you get vetted and they decide if they will choose to have your child included in their kid’s circle. So it just makes me feel guilty. Is this in my head?
Anyways, now I really don’t care if it’s the in crowd, I just want her to feel like she has a solid group of friends. I don’t ever want her to feel isolated, which is how I really felt pretty much my entire childhood and in a more extreme way when I was in high school.

amother Viola wrote:

amother

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 2:56 pm

Yeah, they definitely have their issues. They also have each other and I think in the long term that is so important. How can I tone down my own feelings when I get triggered? When my daughter is not bothered, then I will work on never saying anything. Unfortunately though there are times when she comes home upset and that’s when I get very, very worked up internally I really don’t know what to do to help her. it’s a horrible feeling.

She’s expressed herself many times that a lot of kids belong to a certain circle or even if it’s just one or two other kids and she doesn’t have that. I’m not sure that telling myself that’s okay works for me. I think she ends up being more vulnerable. If there’s ever an argument, or somebody’s going to get blamed, it will be more likely to be her.

familyfirst wrote:

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 3:03 pm

This is about the age when girls have "groups" of friends. or cliques. I remember from my times, the groups started probably about 5th grade. And girls like to stay with their group. It's very hard to not be part of a group and not have that security.
I would encourage her to find other girls who don't either belong to a group and befriend them, and maybe then they can be a security for each other.
hatzlacha!