Sharing a secret and feeling betrayed

amother

Tue, Sep 12 2023, 6:31 am

I shared something very personal and dear to me with some ppl . One person thought it right to share it with the rest of the world . It hurts me that I shared out of respect for this proven and this person went right ahead and told everyone . Not knowing or understanding how everyday of my struggle was challenging.
My kids knew but they were able to keep it at home and help out more often to make it easier for me and my husband .
I’m so upset
I feel so betrayed
How do I face someone like this wit the holidays coming ?!?
I’ve had ppl come and tell me they know and how everything is working out .
I don’t appreciate ppl talking . I’m a private person .
I try not to talk about others , if I know something I don’t share it around or tel the person I know . I wait till they share or it’s a public thing bc she shared with all .
I’m very hurt .

imasinger

Tue, Sep 12 2023, 7:37 am

I'm sorry, that's painful!

I want to offer the possibility of being dl"z.

1. Do you know for a fact that others learned of your situation from this one person? If you're merely ruling out that it wasn't the other, you may have overlooked another source somehow.

2. When you shared your private information, did you let the hearers know how important it was to you that the information not be shared at all?

Sometimes, people will tell about a struggle because they need help, and feel that it's too uncomfortable or embarrassing for they themselves to say anything, but it would be good for the information to be discreetly shared with those who might be able to help.

Sometimes, people put themselves in the shoes of a sufferer, and since they'd want people to know, they'd assume that everyone else would also feel that way.

In any case, it's unlikely that the intention was to cause you pain or hurt.

You can tell the friend, using "I" language, that you heard from X number of people who knew about your private condition, and you felt horrible that it was widely known.

They'll probably deny telling anyone, but maybe they'll acknowledge and apologize.

Will you in the end feel better for a confrontation like this, or worse?

May you soon have a yeshua.

amother

Tue, Sep 12 2023, 8:43 am

imasinger wrote:

Amen!!
Yes I tried to be dlkz
I know they didn’t mean to hurt
But it happens when ladies get together and need tot all about something or someone . I feel like pl need to talk about others to feel like they’re in , that they belong and they’re with society and all .
One knew how important it was - my husband broke down crying as he shared it
And the other person who shared is a big talker who talks about anything and everyone - she somehow put it together and spread it out .
It just hurts bc I have to spend most the holidays with these people .
Ppl talk and think my life is super easy and simple .

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Sep 12 2023, 8:47 am

amother OP wrote:

Unfortunately you are correct that this is what happens when a bunch of women get together. It is a major reason why I need to separate myself from groups of people. I too have been hurt in this way multiple times.

I think a lot of the problem is the focus on externals. People seem to put more concern into how they look above loyalty to a friend. I would never share something personal someone told me with another person so I truly don’t understand why people do this.

Sorry OP, just maybe be careful who you trust next time.

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 12 2023, 9:44 am

I just want to say, I was in a position where someone shared a secret with me, and then accused me of outing it. I had actually not shared the info, but the person's secret was much more obvious than she thought, so people knew about it.

At a later time, I told a close friend of mine how painful that was for me, and she said the following - it's something to consider, OP: When you share a secret with someone, you are placing a burden that you don't want to carry alone, on someone else, expecting them to carry it alone. Think about whether the other person wants to carry that burden alone. Or is capable of doing so.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:17 am

amother OP wrote:

Its a level of maturity to keep confidences, and I am so sorry that you shared with someone who didn't understand this.
It will be hard to face her.

I try to use the Torah as my example. After Chet HaEgel, Hashem justifiably expressed his feeling betrayed and He wanted to start over with Moshe Rabbeinu. We all know how that ended.

Your friend was wrong and you are totally understandably hurt to your very core.

I truly hope you can get to a place of forgiving her.

bzmommy

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:39 am

Thank you for your responses. It really validated what I’m going through .
One person I mentioned it to said I was being childish and should just move on and forget about it . Holidays coming up and we can’t think about this .
I feel if it had happened to her she would have felt and acted differently .
I’m always nice and brush off ppls comments that are sometimes intrusive or not nice , mostly in public . But it hurts . It hurts that ppl are selfish to talk about others so openly . Yet when it comes to their own personal lives , they keep quiet and pretend everything is perfect .
I don’t want to get over it bc yom hadin is coming. I need time to heal from all this .
I just want to tell ppl how I feel and how wrong it is to walk around talking about others and spreading it too . It’s not fair to be forced to forgive and forget .

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 1:31 am

bzmommy wrote:

You really cant be forced to forgive. The whole Torah of asking for forgiveness 3 times etc proves that. No one can tell you how to feel.
I think your friends were just trying to tell you to expect people to do this. We share this world with all types.
Take the time you need to process and learn from this.