PSA: what you say in front of your kids

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:33 pm

WILL be shared.
The language you use, the things you say, they are heard by your kids and being repeated to their friends and teachers.

I was in a classroom today. A girl (8th grade) happened to mention that her mom says she LOVES Xmas trees. She said it a few times. Before I had a chance to figure out how to respond, she went on to say that her mother wishes she can have a "Chanuka bush".
This is in a regular BY- type school.

She also proceeded to use words that were inappropriate, and I had to ask her to be careful with the language she uses. But I kind of doubt she even understood what I meant. Because if these words are used at home, it's hard to know that they are crass or innapropriate. And she isn't the only one. I hear all sorts of tidbits that people repeat, from their parents. Things I assume their parents wouldn't want repeated.

So I'm just saying. Even if you think you love those beautiful Xmas trees, you may not want to share that in front of your kids. Unless you don't mind that they share it with others.

On the flip side, I sometimes get to hear some really heartwarming and special things that kids repeat from their parents. Things that reveal that there's a beautiful chinuch going on in that home. Yes, I know that you can't believe everything you hear. But hearing what I hear on a regular basis sure motivates me to be extra cognizant about what I say and do in front of my kids.

siddur

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Curious how you responded

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:21 pm

siddur wrote:

Curious how you responded

I actually didn't respond to that comment, though I was disturbed about it. When she used some bad language I asked her quietly to be careful with her language.
(It wasn't in a classroom setting where she announced it in front of the class. It was like at an activity where all the girls were talking. And I was standing right near her so I heard it. )

amother

Purple

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:30 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

They are pretty and it’s a tree with lights. I don’t think it’s the end of the world to say to be honest. She’s not wishing to be Christian if that’s how you are hearing it.

They can be pretty but they're associated with Cristian holidays and have no place in an Orthodox Jewish home.
And what's with asking for a Chanukah bush? Why are we putting our yomim tovim with their holidays?
An 8th grader might not understand what she heard but this comes across as bad for a mainstream by family.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:32 pm

amother Purple wrote:

There are Jews who culturally do have Chanukah bushes or new years trees - Russian Jews. I don't remember who had the Chanukah bush but it is a concept
Yes, a lot of it does come from some of the other holidays, but that doesn't mean that there aren't Jews who do it because culturally that's what their families custom became.

amother

Purple

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:34 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

I'm aware that traditional families have trees or bushes, but that's because they don't know what's wrong with it. I understood from the OP that this is not the case with this girls family. Maybe I'm wrong?

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:35 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

Former Soviet Jew here. A New Year's tree is the Soviet equivalent of a Xmas tree and was not a cultural custom specific to the Jewish community, nor did it have any relationship to Chanukah.

mushkamothers

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:39 pm

So funny I was just thinking about this today bc my 4 year old asked me how many calories are in his food. Now I'm pretty health conscious and I read all ingredient labels but happens to be calories is something I've never in my life counted, worried about, or paid any attention to, much less said aloud in my home.

He heard from the 6 year old who reads all the food packaging and calculates the math of calories. (I told him calories is a unit of energy so we can either get strong energy or candy energy)

I was thinking if my 4 year old goes to school and starts talking about calories the teachers will think I'm giving my kids food issues lol

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

A girl (8th grade) happened to mention that her mom says she LOVES Xmas trees. She said it a few times. Before I had a chance to figure out how to respond, she went on to say that her mother wishes she can have a "Chanuka bush".

Sometimes adults say things like this facetiously or in a wry humorous way or sarcastically, and the delivery or tone totally escapes the kids. My kids wouldn't hear anything about a Chanukah bush specifically, but my husband and I are prone to dry humor amongst ourselves, as well as curt inside-joke references, so I could see our kids repeating some weird stuff if they take us literally.

You'd hope an eighth grader would be more savvy than a second grader, but some people stay very literal into adulthood.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

If this is talking to other girls during a group activity, and especially at this age, to me it sounds like attention seeking. Especially if she's using bad language and dropping a comment that she must know is going to get attention--it's more likely she picked it up somewhere randomly and not straight out repeating something that her mother said.
Sounds like she needs friends/social skills. I'd quietly let the guidance counselor know. Does your school have support for girls who need help socially?

HonesttoGod

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 11:18 pm

“My mommy doesn’t wear pajamas”
My then 5 yo when doing a pajama day in school.

Me? Whenever he sees me go to sleep (mid day nap) he’s right. I don’t wear pajamas. I just take off my sweater and skirt and go to nap!

Op as a teacher don’t be so preachy. You do your part let the parents do theirs. If she said her parents HAVE a Xmas tree I’d make a call and say hey mom just btw your kid is saying this.
But saying she loves them? I’m curious if there’s someone who doesn’t find them pretty.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 11:43 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

What a 5 year old says is quite different than what an 8th grader says.
I'm seriously not preachy. I didn't say anything to her about the comment, but I did ask her to watch her language because it was hurting my ears and I felt I could not let it pass.

I find it curious that people talk about how pretty those trees are. Even if you like the aesthetics of it, just a tiny drop of thought about what this represents, and how this religion has persecuted us like no other religion , should be enough to cause at least some abhorrence. But to go as far as to say, in front of your kids that you LOVE them, can be at best confusing and send the wrong message.
I honestly don't think it's harmless.

amother

Lightyellow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 11:44 pm

Can I add to the topic of being careful of what you say in front of your kids? Please don't talk about neighbors in front of your kids. They WILL repeat what you said to the family you spoke about.
2 examples that happened to me:
1)Someone new moved into our neighborhood and she came by to our house at one point. The next day her son came to play and announced "my mother said she would never buy a house like yours. It's way too small". At that point this was a very sensitive topic to my kids (and therefore myself). We had a smaller house than our peers at that stage and my kids were very self conscious. I was hurt that she spoke like that in front of her kids.
2) My husband worked at a job for 6 years and was laid off shortly after covid. This was a very stressful time in our life. We chose not to discuss this with friends and neighbors and I guess people were curious. My kids got feedback from more than one neighborhood friend saying their parents were discussing at their shabbos table that my husband was no longer at that place. Needless to say, my kids found this very embarrassing.

I believe in both these cases the parents didn't dream this would get repeated to the families under discussion. So I wanted to bring this awareness to other people.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 11:48 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

She's not being preachy. This is literally a PSA. chill

ima_bima

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 11:59 pm

Oh my goodness YES.
My kids were on zoom when the war broke out and my DD's (8) morah allowed 5 mins of chatting as everyone logged on. Oy the things that were said... Lots of explicit stuff from the news and one mom had a 'secret' pregnancy revealed...

When it comes to bad language, I'm never surprised. My (also charedi) neighbor would blast her kids at home with toe curlingly foul language and lo and behold they repeated it outside too. Many parents don't allow their kids to play with them.