Should there be rules for OTD daughter

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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Becca232

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:32 pm

My husband and I see things very differently for our completely OTD teen daughter . It's such a strain on our marriage especially bc we just repaired it a year ago after being in a really bad place

I think there should be rules. Not a lot! But I don't want her at her boyfriends house. It creates more opportunity. And it strengthens her relationship w his family. Her boyfriend has a past, hard drugs etc, though he apparently doesn't do it anymore.

Husband says she won't follow a rule unless she agrees and understands why we have it in place

I say that a rule is a rule!! That is my rule and don't be intimate. I don't think I'm asking for a lot!!! I'd also like to ask her to eat vegetarian and not treif, but I don't know if I can ask for that??

If anyone has guidance or videos I can watch on the topic that would be helpful.

Thanks tons!!!

amother

Bone

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:33 pm

Avi Fishoff on Twisted Parenting may be able to help guide you

https://twistedparenting.life/

amother

Skyblue

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:36 pm

Do you have real life guidance? I don’t know how old she is but if she’s above age 14 realistically you can’t just tell her not to have relations. I think your husband is on to something- you can educate her about birth control, risk of std, the responsibility of having relations and the benefits of waiting till she’s older, how to be safe and not be with guys alone…

How are you imposing these rules otherwise? With threats?

Rules you can make are about your household and respect- dress code in the house (should be accommodating but you can say please put on some type of skirt, no sleeveless), no non kosher in the house, no openly being mechalel shabbos etc.

amother

Opal

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:47 pm

It might also help to consider where they will be if they are not at his parents house? Is the alternative, better or worse?

amother

Darkblue

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:52 pm

I don't see a problem with having house rules and asking her to respect it for example to not eat treif in your home, no chillul Shabbos in your home.. these are a matter of respect to you as opposed to what you're not letting her do.
I can't imagine her responding well to rules about intimacy though or any rules that prohibit her from living life as she wants. You can't exactly control what she does out of your home.

Out of curiosity, why would you not want her to get to know her boyfriends family?

amother

Calendula

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:53 pm

https://keshernafshi.org/
Browse, lots of good advice there. Try to hear various speakers to see which you like best. Listen together with your husband so you can discuss it together!
Hatzlacha, it's a journey... not a fun or easy one!!

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 10:55 pm

It's one thing to have rules for what she can and can't do in your own home, but you can't control what she does outside your home. How are you even planning on enforcing a rule for her not to eat treif outside? You can ask but there's no guarantee she'll listen and most likely she'll either lie to keep the peace at home or if she's really rebellious then she'll deliberately flaunt it.

And good luck keeping her away from her boyfriend! Teens across all cultures rebel against that and find ways to be with each other. You are much better off educating her about consent and safe s-x and birth control and STDs and taking her to a gynecologist for birth control than having her sneak around and risk a teen pregnancy. You can tell her that you think she's too young for true intimacy and teach her your values, but at the end of the day you want her to protect herself as best as possible if she makes different choices than you hope for.

Do you have guidance for dealing with your OTD child? There are many different approaches, but these days it seems that the best way is to work on keeping the relationship at the expense of halacha so that you don't push her away further and you leave her a path to return. That's not to say you can't have boundaries, like not bringing treif into your home or only using devices on Shabbos in the privacy of her own room, but trying to lay down the law on what she does out of the home is most likely to backfire.

whatup

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:47 am

I second Avi Fishoff. He's one of a kind.

DrMom

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:47 am

Of course you can set rules.

It's completely reasonable to set rules that apply within your own home.

Rules for behavior outside the home will be impossible to enforce.

I do think, assuming your DD is a minor, it is reasonable to discuss intimacy and to say how important it is to save this for someone with whom you have a long-term commitment, preferably marriage. And it is reasonable to expect your DD not to use illegal drugs.

notshanarishona

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 1:59 am

You can have rules while she is living in your house but pick and choose your battles

Rappel

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 2:06 am

Becca232 wrote:

Husband says she won't follow a rule unless she agrees and understands why we have it in place

So explain.

Teach her about healthy vs abusive relationships.

Teach her about STDs, and other communicable diseases.

Teach her about drugs, whether she can trust that the item she's handling is actually what it's supposed to be, and where she can find out about the interactions of different drugs.

Teach her about safety rules for getting drunk/tripping with her friends.

Teach her how to build and keep good friendships.

Teach her how to size up a crowd or a party to know if it's worth her time, or just trouble.

Teach her internet safety.

Teach her who's safe to rely on in an emergency.

Teach her how to handle the world she's brushing shoulders with -- or she's going to get very badly burned.

joonabug

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 4:13 am

you can definately have rules for inside your home. outside of that you dont have very much control. the most you can do is be accepting, loving, and just work on having a relationship with her. she is obviously in pain and she needs love.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 4:57 am

OP, how old is said child? I think that makes a HUGE difference.
You can make any rule you want. And IN your home, it can and should be enforced. But out of your home, its a bit hard to enforce them.

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 5:08 am

Our son is 22 and not religious since hes 16. He lives at home and he must only cook and eat kosher in our kitchen.
He cannot outwardly break Shabbos but we know he watches TV and uses his computer in his room.
He talks about the non kosher food he eats when he's out of the house. There's nothing we can do about it.
He doesn't currently have a girlfriend but when he does, I don't think we will allow them to share a bedroom.

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