Would you switch her school?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 7:29 am

Dd, eleventh grade, has always been popular and well-liked. She is also bright, a good student, and very talented. A few months ago, her best friend decided that dd is manipulative and stopped being her friend and turned away other classmates. Dd has no idea what happened and what her former friend is upset about, although she did try to reach out to her. Of course she has girls she's friendly with, but no good friends in school. She just finished midwinter vacation and her phone did not ring the way it always used to.

I asked her if she'd like to switch schools for twelfth grade. She said that actually she would but it's weird to switch for twelfth and would make her look bad. I do think she has a point. Any suggestions?

amother

Ginger

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 7:45 am

For any other grade, maybe. Unfortunately, for 12th, she's right- it doesn't look great without a family move, and it can be harder for the school to get her into school and seminary afterwards.

I do understand what she is going through. It's beyond rotten. Is she talking to or has she talked to the guidance counselor? Do YOU know anything about what happened and what the situationlooks like, independentof what dd is saying? Does she have any friends at school? Do all the girls regard her as a problem, or has she lost tthe ones she was always with and isn't really looking at the rest as possibilities?

Sometimes it takes a situation like this for someone to see the girl who sits near her in math or chumash and actually really talk to her. My dd had a similar situation once and found a good friend this way. There was also eventually one girl in her old chevrah who started to not like what was happening and decided to break off of the group that was shunning dd. But it took time- more than a few months

If there's really nobody for her to talk to all day and she is a pariah and deteriotating, you guys can talk to the guidance counselor/school psychologist and the principal, and possibly discuss if a switch is warranted. But I think it would require a really good reason.

amother

Hibiscus

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 8:45 am

So sorry for your dd to gave to be on the end of - essentially an indirect form of bullying, right? Hopefully you're going to get good advice & some clarity.

My only 2cents is to daven hard that this very, very challenging situation will one day become something she somehow appreciates, ie it equips her with a depth & sensitivity towards others that she may not have had otherwise.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 8:45 am

I think you should wait it out a bit. If it doesn't improve over the next few months I would consider sending her to Gateshead.

amother

Chestnut

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 8:52 am

amother Cherry wrote:

I think you should wait it out a bit. If it doesn't improve over the next few months I would consider sending her to Gateshead.

Was going to post this.
Or Manchester.
Or any seminary that would take her early. Your daughter sounds like a great girl there's no reason she should suffer thru one more year of school or not get into a good seminary because she switched for 12th grade.

I would definitely talk to school principal (if she's a good person to talk to)
Can she switch to a parallel class to get new friends?
Maybe explore a bit why friend dropped her. Your daughter might not have shared everything that went out between them. It's possible they could reconcile?

essie14

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:04 am

If she's so miserable that she wants to leave for 12th grade, I'd definitely look into early admissions for seminary or college, if that's what she wants.
I wouldn't waste a year in 12th grade in a new school.

theoneandonly

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:07 am

Definitely look into early admissions for seminary. Gateshead, Manchester, I know years ago there was a program in Switzerland that took twelfth graders but idk if it still exists.

amother

Maroon

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 10:30 am

Someone from my daughter's school went to an Israeli seminary instead of 12th grade. Not common, but definitely done. And I know from my daughter that girls from Montreal go to seminary a year earlier than US girls. So there are others who may be a bit younger, she won't be the only one. I think that's a great suggestion, because she'll make new friends in seminary. And when she's done the year and comes home, those girls will be off to seminary and she'll branch out to others in your hometown in their absence. And after 2 years apart, hopefully everyone matured and when they meet up with each other, they can just be friendlies if not friends.

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 10:43 am

I wouldn’t switch schools for 12th, she’d most likely have the same issue in a new school because at that point everyone has been together for years, has their circle of friends and it’ll be hard for her to make real connections regardless, plus it’ll be a huge adjustment for a year that’s supposed to be the “lightest” and least serious in high school

Id encourage her to start 12th grade, she might end up becoming closer to other girls she’s already friendly with. A summer apart is a long time and a lot can change in these dynamics. And if after the first couple months she’s still miserable, id just let her get her GED and either work, find an early sem to go to or start college

amother

Stonewash

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 10:45 am

must be so difficult for your daughter!
Without telling your daughter, maybe discuss it with a teacher who can boost her image during class or/and to pick her for a project with another girl or two so she'll have a chance to get friendly with other girls? You might even suggest to the teacher who the 2 girls you think would be best for your daughter to be partners with.
if you choose to discuss it with the teacher, make sure you keep 'asking' the teacher what she thinks can be done and if she thinks this suggestion is a good idea. Don't 'tell' her or give her ideas.

seeker

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 10:59 am

I have a friend who switched into my class in 12th grade for similar reasons (I don't know the details, just that there was a bad social situation in the old school.)

My class was nice. She had a great fun senior year with us.

We became practically best friends and are still in touch on and off and love each other 20ish years later.

I think it helped that she knew one of the girls in my class before from living near each other or camp or something like that. So she had a little "in." But it's not like that girl was a class leader who could make things happen, it was more a matter of she was a nice girl and we were nice girls and nothing was toxic so all was well.

Not saying this is the right answer for OP, I'm only countering the idea that there's something weird about switching for 12th grade or that 1 year doesn't make a big difference (high school is short. 1 year is 25%)

tweety1

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 11:53 am

Personally I think your dd is right. It is weird to switch just for 12th grade.

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