How bad is ignoring a toddler?

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 7:33 am

I know it's bad, but sometimes I feel I don't have the capacity anymore to empathize with the whining and I just turn into a block of stone. I know whining means they need something even just attention but I find myself especially at the end of the day just ignoring the whining and not responding. If I know he's hungry I don't even say "you're hungry, I'm getting you food," I just get the food. This is not all the time, I try to communicate and empathize as much as I can, I'm talking about the times when I just have no energy left to be responsive. Is this very damaging and is there any advice?

amother

Dill

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 7:46 am

amother OP wrote:

If you are meeting his needs and not getting frustrated with his emotions then I don't see what the big deal is, especially if it doesn't happen that often. Most toddlers whining about something are not actually looking for a verbal response, but rather to have their needs met.

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 8:00 am

I think sometimes he just wants me to pay attention and play with him. I do give him a lot of attention but sometimes I'm just drained and it's multiple times a day. The part that worries me is that I don't even look at him or acknowledge him. I'm busy doing something else and it's like I shut down to him. So he's clinging to me and whining and I can barely bring myself to even look at him let alone smile and talk.

lilytee

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 8:09 am

I don’t want to offend you or hurt you, but you are doing something that is hurting your child and will have an impact on him emotionally. He will feel abandoned and rejected, and he will stop sharing with you. He will shut down too.

If it continues long term.

Please help yourself by going to therapy or educate yourself by reading books to get to the root of why this is happening to you.

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 8:12 am

lilytee wrote:

This is what I'm afraid of and why I'm asking the question. Can you recommend any books?

behappy2

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 8:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Focus on less attention and more connection. Less trying empathize and more enjoying his company and having fun with him. Parenting has become such a chore and such a pressure because of all the knowledge we have on psychology. Plug out from all that and start learning to enjoy your child! That is the most important thing for your kiddo!

amother

Powderblue

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 9:12 am

I train my kids young that I don’t listen to whining. I teach them to repeat the request in a non whining voice. It’s much easier for me to listen to them that way.

amother

Thistle

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 9:29 am

Therapist here.

As a parent, you don't need to be there for your child 100% of the time. It's a myth that if we're not 100% perfect our children will be scarred for life. Sometimes it comes from anxiety. Sometimes it comes from our own childhood trauma. And sometimes it comes from a belief that we are in control of our children's lives. The truth is, as parents and human beings, all we need to do is be good enough.

It seems you are responding and emphasizing often enough. I would recommend against totally ignoring ever. You can respond by empathizing of course. You can also respond by doing what they ask. Or you can respond with, "Mommy heard you and now she's taking a break. I'll talk to you more later" and then ignore the whining for the next few minutes.

I recommend the book Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy - both for ideas and to feel better about yourself as a mom.

DreamerForever

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 11:19 am

Echoing the poster above, to say that I've read in many books by professionals that a child who grows up with good parenting/attunement at least 30% of the time will be fine. Their resilience helps them bounce back from the times that were not ideal.

I'll add to this, that if you have no strength to validate or offer solutions with words, it's often enough just to make sympathetic sounds or show that you're listening. Even just stroking a child's hair to show you're present and that you care. Complete disconnection is most painful and confusing. More so than 'imperfect' connection.

amother

Khaki

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 11:47 am

lilytee wrote:

I disagree with this completely (and I’m a therapist fwiw)

It’s ok for mom to tune out sometimes. Mom doesn’t have to respond to every tantrum. She also needs to protect her sanity.

It sounds overall she is loving and attentive.

One thing I learned is to aim for “good enough” parenting. If you’re meeting your kids emotional needs half/ most of the time then you’re doing great

amother

Topaz

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 11:56 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe do a little less all or nothing. It seems like when you are on you give him 100% and when you can’t you give zero. Can you do 70% throughout?

amother

Gold

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 12:08 pm

When you have other children you can't respond ASAP 24/7 to every single need of every child. We do the best we can and that's it. If mom needs a time-out because she needs to recover from burn out , then take your two minute time out with deep breaths (I'm not saying you should leave the room or go on your phone, but if you need to ignore for two minutes nothing is going to happen). I have toddler twins. I can't always get to everyone at the same time when they whine. No they will not be scarred for life. Give me a break.