No friends where I live

amother

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:22 pm

And I hate it Sad

We moved to a different town when I was younger but I never adjusted to the place and now I'm still stuck without any friends here.

I have a couple of friends a 45 min drive away so I almost never get to see them. I'm not really a phone person so what ends up happening is that I speak to them about once in 6 weeks. And it's far from enough.

I feel so lonely. Disconnected from the world around me, like I don't have anyone. I don't have anywhere to go out and meet potential new friends. There are no gyms, shiurim or classes of any sort here.

I would love to go to a shiur every now and then, but the speaker I like is also quite a drive away.

Basically this is just a vent because there's nothing I can do about it right now. We just moved so moving is not an option for another 2 years at least

Thanks for reading the whole thing

amother

Garnet

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:19 pm

Can you do a class of something in your house for the local women?

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 3:25 pm

Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone to get satisfaction. Unless you have a severe speech impairment, "I'm not really a phone person" is a pathetic excuse for an excuse. BECOME a phone person if those friends are important to you.

Are you living on a military air base 200 miles from any Jewish community? Is your husband doing his medical residency in Namibia? If so, I can see that you have a problem. As I said, become a phone person or a Zoom person to stay in touch with friends.

You say nothing about your personal situation, only what you don't have, or think you don't have, but you sound as if you have a lot of empty time on your hands. You don't say whether you have the ability to get a job. You don't say whether or not you have children. If you have children older than 4 or 5, you presumably send them to school somewhere and could, if you wanted to, get involved in the PTA or some other project that would allow you to meet other parents. But maybe you homeschool. Join a homeschool parents' group, even of it has to be online because you're the only homeschooler in the state.

You don't have to have an IQ of 150 to to visit people in nursing homes and help feed residents who can't feed themselves, or volunteer in a senior center. Be poll worker on Election Day! You work with people for a 12 or 18-hour day, you find some commonality that you can continue to explore long after the polls close. (And you get paid. Not much, but it's something, and the work is not all that hard.) Is there a community college nearby? Try signing up for a class in something. If you're 60+, you may be able to audit classes for very little. Even if you don't make lifelong friends, you still have a semblance of a social life if you attend classes. Friends don't have to be carbon copies of yourself. Making friends who are of a different age group or have a different background can immeasurably broaden your horizons.

TBH, from your post I get the idea that you have had a problem making friends long before you moved to Oshkosh or wherever you are. You said you never got used to the place you moved when you were younger and are "still" stuck without friends.

What you need to understand is that when you move to a new place, the locals are not going to come looking for you. It's on you to go looking for them. Don't say "there are no gyms or shiurim so I have no way to meet people." You don't mention your age group, either. Are you a newlywed? A parents of school-age children? An empty-nester? A retiree? Your stage in life will make a difference as to the types of places you might want to meet people. Just don't get mred in the idea that you can be friends only with other frum women within a couple of years of your age. Some of the most vibrant people I know are age-blind, meaning they have friends old enough to be their grandparents or young enough to be their grandchildren, and they love it.

Oh, and "the speaker I like is quite a drive away"? Are you for real? There is only one speaker on earth who meets your exacting standards? And if so, so what? If the idea is for you to meet new people and make some friends, the speaker is only an excuse and really doesn't matter. The idea is to go to a gathering of some sort where you can start a conversation with someone--even if you start out by saying you disagree with the speaker's entire presentation.

amother

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:14 pm

amother Jetblack wrote:

OK OK.

Where do I even begin?

Becoming a phone person is definitely a great option and I do try my best.

I work part time and I have a baby.

The reason I don't have friends where I live is because I don't have anything in common with the people here.

I live in a place like KJ, New Square, something like that. And if you don't fit in, yes you will sadly not have any friends, no matter how well you would do socially in other places. So no, finding a group of women my age or stage is not going to do it.

What I need is to find a group (and I haven't managed to find even one) of women who won't think I'm weird, different or any such thing. Not my fault my parents moved to a place where we don't fit in (and they regret their choice, you can be sure).

And yes the speaker I like is a drive away because places like this don't allow any "foreigners" to come speak here.

Did that clarify things??

amother

DarkGreen

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:32 pm

OP sounds like a tough situation. Maybe (if you have use of the car ) drive daily to a close neighborhood and meet up with friends halfway. You drive 20 min. They do also. Read more. Get out to libraries and enjoy the time their with your baby. Meet friends in the city for a walk around.
Now is the time to work on projects you won't have time for in the future. Cake decorating, painting. You can go into the city nearby once or twice a week. The other days be at home and have fun. Turn up the music and Dance. Become a babysitter for other babies and you might meet others that way.

amother

Poppy

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 7:33 pm

Trying to understand why where your parents live is where you got “stuck” living?

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 10:06 pm

amother Poppy wrote:

Trying to understand why where your parents live is where you got “stuck” living?

Not to mention that you say you just moved, so how are you "still stuck" there? And if you're not in sync with the KJ -type gestalt, why did you move there? After you married, I mean. When you were living at home of course you went where your parents went, but if you hate the place so much, why did you stay in the area if you were already going to the trouble of moving? Something's not adding up. Are your parents supporting you on the condition that you live near them?

amother

Hydrangea

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:39 pm

OP I can relate. We moved last year from oot to in town. I don't have family here and very few friends. I work and am friendly with coworkers but feel so disconnected from the community. I find it so hard to join anything here...

amother

Orange

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:45 pm

amother Jetblack wrote:

Why are you attacking her? She's trying to get support not an interrogation.
OP, I feel for you. Feeling like an outsider is so painful. I hope you find your place!

amother

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:48 pm

Yes I’m stuck here for 2 reasons

1. My husband found a small shul he loves and now doesn’t want to move.

2. Bc we just moved to a new house in the same town and we signed a contract committing to pay the rent for 2 years even if we move away.

I feel like I’m being interrogated rather than helped, btw.

Thanks everyone for all your support, especially amother Jetblack. You were extra helpful.

amother

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:49 pm

amother Orange wrote:

Why are you attacking her? She's trying to get support not an interrogation.
OP, I feel for you. Feeling like an outsider is so painful. I hope you find your place!

Thank you 🙏🏻

I don’t know what’s going on with everyone tonight

amother

Bottlebrush

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 2:01 am

It seems like the people on your thread are in very angry states of mind and are using you as their punching bag. I’m really sorry! You absolutely did not deserve the scathing, attacking posts on this thread. Those people should be so ashamed of themselves, letting out their negativity on a lonely woman looking for some support.

I moved to a new city a few years ago and my one friend that I made is now moving away so I’m going to be so lonely. The extra part about you feeling judged by everyone because you’re not their type sounds so horrible. My husband also wants to stay in the city we’re in. I really feel for you.

I hope things change miraculously for you.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 2:16 am

Wow OP.
This sounds like such a hard situation.
And on top of that dealing with posters like JetBlack with such grace.
Can I have a bracha from you? (health and parnassah for me and my children?)
Thank you!

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 2:37 am

It's so hard to not have friends where you live. I moved to a new community a year ago where I don't know anyone, and even though it does seem like there are people here I could be friends with, it's so hard to start to get to know people without having at least one person I know to go places with/introduce me to other people. (No kids yet, so I'm not meeting fellow parents at Gan or anything.)

And my friends are mostly 2 hours of bus/train travel away in Jerusalem, if they're in Israel at all.

amother

Clear

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:32 am

OP I’m sorry for the unhelpful and rude answers !
I think if things don’t get better you should look into moving when your lease is up.
Your husband will certainly be ok in another shul even if he likes this one. You both need to be happy socially.