Sad about daughter’s hair covering choices

amother

Marigold

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 11:18 pm

amother Seafoam wrote:

That's a good point actually. She could just say "how is hair covering going?, I know it's a hig adjustment" and see where it goes

Based on OP's posts, it doesn't sound like that conversation would seem very natural and genuine to her dd. But I'm speculating...

amother

Feverfew

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 11:37 pm

Our daughter wanted to cover her hair with something we don't hold by. It's a tricky situation.
We told her it's fine, but she would:
A. Need to clear it with her Chosson.
B. Pay for it herself.

Turned out A wasn't happening and she didn't want B.

It's hard when kids don't want to follow the path we've chosen. However, they do have that right to choose something different.

All that being said, we can stay firm in our beliefs, but realize they might also.

amother

Gold

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 10:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow, the responses are all so kind. Thank you for understanding.

My daughter had been thrilled with her sheitels. She loved getting them and we paid extra to get her especially nice ones.

Her husband is a really nice guy and I doubt he’d say anything to make her feel bad, even though it’s unheard of in their circles (young kollel couples).

It makes me worry about my daughter and my other kids. They seem like good regular kids that daven and do everything you’re supposed to. How real is their Yiddishkeit though, deep down? I know I can’t really understand my daughter’s nisayon but I’m trying to. It seems like she cares more about looking good than about halacha. I feel so sad for her. It must be so painful to feel that insecure. I keep going back in time and wishing I had raised her differently so she had more self confidence. But I don’t know what I could have done differently. I raised her like all my other kids and they don’t have that insecure personality. I was warm and loving and gave them lots of attention. She just always worried about her looks and what people thought of her, way more than my other kids. I wish there was something I could do. I’ll keep davening of course.

Accept yourself as the mother of this daughter with this temperament/character/personality and lifestyle.
dont feel sad either. Stay neutral about whatever she is or is doing.
going back in time is just the yetzer hara making you miserable.
the theory of shaping our childrens lives is overkill.
For whatever reason she could not identify with her peers/surrounding/ and society. Who cares?
Wish her a good life and try to enjoy interacting with her when you do.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 10:57 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

So if your daughter would cover your way you pay, but her way she pays?
hmmm

FYI....my daughter's wig follows the psak of her husband's Rabbeim, not DH's and mine. We paid whatever we would pay for her sheitels in any case.

amother

Wallflower

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 11:12 am

Chayalle wrote:

I think it’s fair if it’s something the parent is really opposed to. If my child wanted to buy a bikini , I wouldn’t support it or pay for it even though I’m willing to buy a full piece bathing suit for her. If Dh and his family doesn’t cover properly and they want a kippa wig and I’m really not ok with it then they can buy the kippa wig. Parents are not obligated to pay at all and definitely not for something they’re really opposed to.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:01 pm

amother Wallflower wrote:

I think there are alot of nuances here. But I expect that when my child gets married, they follow the psak of their husband's Rabbeim and take on alot of his minhagim. And we pay whatever we would pay anyway. We don't use money as a control tool.

amother

Fern

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:09 pm

Chayalle wrote:

While I would still pay for my child’s things that don’t match the tznius standards I uphold by, I do understand parents that don’t. They view it as enabling bad behavior. Just like you wouldn’t give your child with a drug addiction money if they’re likely to use it for drugs. As a parent, you want to know you didn’t enable them.
I don’t see it that way but I can definitely hear others who view it like that

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:11 pm

amother Fern wrote:

I think there's a tremendous difference between giving a child drug money, to giving a child money to cover their hair within the confines of Halacha, but not my particular level.

amother

Anemone

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:17 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Of course we don’t. We all end up giving our kids money though and we can choose where our money goes.
We all have red lines we wouldn’t cross. I wouldn’t pay for non kosher food or tickets to an event that takes places on Shabbos. That’s not my desire for control, it’s my commit ent to my way of life and my principles.
Hair covering isn’t as clear cut. I’ll let everyone here make their own decision. Personally I’d pay for a hair covering that’s different than mine. My problem would be with not covering at all and that’s free of charge.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:49 pm

amother Quince wrote:

different amother but I have been told twice by my father (a message from my mother) that my wig was too long. You'd laugh hysterically if you'd see me.

When I got married my mother forced me to cut my wig to shoulder length. I couldn't handle it. I looked hideous. she just has a huge image to portray and looks at her kids like her nachas machine.
so 3 years later, when I finally had the money, I lengthened my wig by 2 inches. they are still very short by most yeshivish standards but when I did that my parents made sure to comment to me twice. (don't worry, I did nothing about it)

and when I wore my snood behind my ears and my sideburns showed a bit, I got a phone call from my mom that she's been crying herself to sleep for weeks because her daughter isn't fully covering her hair.

eventually I took it upon myself, and boy is it hard for me. but I do it. because I want to. I don't want to say its because my mom forced me to.

parents should NOT be telling their children these things once they are married. sorry.

Tell your mother from me Rabbi Falk states hair growing from temples and neck DOES NOT have to be covered.

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 4:08 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Not exactly. Not something like tichel vs. Sheitel. And certainly no need to cover "my way"! I love certain hair coverings I know my daughter will never touch and vice versa. Or short sheitel vs. long. That's understandable.

It was something a bit more "controversial". We shall leave it at that, because I know things get controversial.
We did ask our rav.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 4:29 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

OK I can guess the controversial. I would leave that to my DD's Chassan and his Daas Torah, and if they said it was okay, I would pay same amount as I budgeted for sheitels.

amother

Blonde

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

I know people are going to love yelling at me.

I would never say this to my daughter, but I’m so disappointed by her hair covering choices. She’s in shana rishona. She chose, after we had spent $$$ on sheitels for her, to not cover her hair fully. It’s not because of pressure from people she cares about. It’s not coming from her husband. It’s not coming from her friends (the married ones all cover fully). She’s a regular BY girl who suddenly chose, after the first couple of weeks, to partially uncover.

She always struggled with self confidence, so I guess covering ended up being harder than she expected. I don’t know. I feel really sad and disappointed because I thought her Yiddishkeit was stronger than it is.

Can't you find some spark of humor in this situation?

Or at least satisfaction that your daughter is finding her own way, that she is looking for her own religiosity, that she has her own connection to hashem, and that she is upright enough to not just copy you, or act as if you model was the only possible one?

Aren't you proud on the self-confidence she exhibits towards you?

Be proud that your daughter is her own person.