Daughter was waitlisted at NJ high schools, what to do?

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:05 pm

My daughter applied to 3 high schools and was waitlisted at all 3. At this point they're basically all rejections. We tried getting the hanhala to call, our rabbi made calls, but no dice. The school isn't really being helpful anymore and I don't know what to do.

We live in northern NJ and don't want to send her away (she's adamantly opposed as well). It's insane that we can't get her into a normal school! We're pretty middle of the road, not looking for a very Bais Yaakov kind of place. She's very smart but not great about doing schoolwork if she's not interested or doesn't like the teacher (which means her grades don't totally reflect her ability).

We know about/applied to/got in touch with Naaleh, Bruriah, Maayanot, SAR, Lev Miriam. Frisch insisted to someone who asked on our behalf that was too late. I'm ok with a coed/more modern place because that will work better for this kid than a more BY one, but it needs to be accessible by bus or van of some sort, I work and cannot be driving her all over the tristate area myself. Any other ideas on places to apply would be appreciated. Do kids commute daily from NJ to schools in Queens or Brooklyn?

We've heard about Ateres in Monsey: if anyone can tell me more about it, I'd really appreciate it, because the website says very little and the people who've suggested it don't seem to know much either. I understand the girls are more modern than your typical Monsey yeshivish family but is the school itself trying to mold them into that? Is it really just a BY school where the girls watch TV at home, or is the actual hashkafa and education different from other Monsey schools?

Am I supposed to be calling up the places that waitlisted her and nagging people somehow? I wouldn't even know where to begin doing that, but is it expected? Is that the only way I can get them to take us seriously? I've emailed a couple and one responded that they're not taking people off the waitlist now, does that somehow mean I'm supposed to call again or give up? I have no idea what to say even if I do.

amother

Sand

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:47 pm

Without giving away too mamy details, do you live in Bergen County? Maayanot and Naaleh tend to bend more for Bergen County residents- in general, a school will be a bit more likely to bend for someone who lives in their area.

I believe in making a call directly to the principal and being real. Explain the situation, that you have done the work and have no school. Talk to them about who your dd is and what you're willing to do to support her- for example, if her kodesh grades aren't great or her English grade is a mess because she doesn't put in effort writing, you can offer to support her in that subject with tutoring or the like (a tutor can be great for a kid who has skills but not motivation). Basically, show the school you're a motivated parent who wants to work with them vs just make demands. That combined with being desperate can help.

And network to see if you know anyone on one of the boards or connected with the administration. Go through your shul list and the school websites- you'd be surprised who your husband might sit a couple chairs down from. If he goes to a shiur, find out who's there.

amother

Mintgreen

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 8:57 pm

I have a bit of a different perspective…
I would insist on a reason why she was waitlisted. I think the Bergen County schools are pretty straight forward( They also tend to be less responsive to “protektziah”. )
After hearing their reason, it may be clear to you that it is not the right fit for your daughter.
Most of the schools you listed have tracked classes and excellent learning centers for support. I would doubt it’s strictly academic.
Also, once you know the reason, you can work on figuring out what you can do between now and September to alleviate it.
Ie, behavior, specific learning disability, social challenges etc.,

amother

Jean

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:11 pm

What a difficult situation. I feel for you and your DD. I live OOT, so I know nothing about NJ schools, but because I live OOT, my DD goes to a school much more right wing than we are. She is also the type that I would think would do terribly and hate an environment like that. The girls are a mix of yeshivish, JPF, with a minority being MO like we are. While she doesn't love everything taught, DD is happy. My point with this, is if you need to send her to a more yeshivish school because you have no other options it could work out a lot better than you expected. Hatzlacha, I hope she gets into a school that works well for her!

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 11:01 pm

amother Jean wrote:

Are you me? LOL

Maybe I'll start a spinoff for us in the MO forum.

Added: terms of being able to be happy, I think there's a big difference between a BY that has a minority of MO students, even a small one, and one that doesn't. But I am not sure that shifting right will help OP.

OP, is it possible that one of your daughter's recommendations or references is saying something negative about her? (If those are even part of the application process) I don't know how exactly you could find out, but if you could, it would help with amy new applications.

rain2

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 1:44 am

I’m sorry you are in this position. I’ve been hearing rejection stories for years with the NJ high schools to the point where good girls have to leave town or parents have to beg and find connections to no avail. It’s really shameful that schools are looking at grades more than middot and other good qualities. It’s a shame that rabbis and principals can call and beg on behalf of a good girl and there is no heart to accept and give them a chance. There is always room, they can make room. It’s more about their reputation and prestige instead of having a kind heart and caring for every bat yisrael. Shame on these schools. I wouldn’t beg or call. I would find my daughter a school that truly wants her, values her and cares. I wouldn’t want to send my precious daughter to a school with people who rejected her and didn’t budge when they heard she has no school. I would want her with people whose heart would ache for a girl who experienced rejection from three schools. People who would be honored to give her an opportunity to be accepted. These are the people instilling values in our daughters and shaping their futures. I would want those people to have their priorities straight. Wishing you tons of hatzlacha finding a school.

amother

Copper

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 1:55 am

rain2 wrote:

Idealistic but not realistic. OP, the only kids I know from Ateres are not frum today. Do your research carefully.

amother

Grape

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 6:14 am

Chiming in just to share what I can about Ateres. It's a really nice school. I graduated from there approx 5-7 years ago and moved away so I don't have all the current information but there was a thread about the school here a few months ago I believe, try to search for it. They have some new administration now because the dean/founder retired but I believe it maintains his ideals. He would almost never turn a girl down, and if he did he would help her find a different school that would be a better fit. As you might imagine, this approach also leads to a more colorful student body than your typical school, which has some challenges but also is really beautiful imo. I went to school with so many people that were very different than me, and everyone got along great and contributed to the class in their own way.

It also meant there was more turnover than your typical school - some girls that came to Ateres after being asked to leave their previous school, also ended up being asked to leave Ateres. I don't know so much about their red lines etc because I wasn't that type and neither were my close friends, but it does exist and that is why some people are apprehensive about the school. If your DD is the type to become friends with all the girls who are struggling the most and you are worried about influences, that could be a valid concern and it would be a good idea to find out what you can about the incoming class for her grade. There is only one class per grade and some classes are stronger than others. On the other hand, the diversity and small grades means your daughter can have more opportunity to really shine and find her place, which helps many thrive there.

In terms of BY or not, it has become a bit more to the BY side (for ex. they don't have a uniform, but in recent years made the dress code stricter - uniform skirts and solid button downs instead of any button down) but is still definetely not a typical bais yaakov school. One thing that stands out is that the school promotes zionism. They encourage all sorts of questions and employ a diverse staff. The feel of the class varies by grade, if you want to use seminary to measure there are some years that you have girls going to machon raaya, meohr and other not so yeshivish BY places, and other years where you have places like tiferet, midreshet tehila etc or even more left. But really, most grades are diverse and you will have both, the question is just how the distribution ends up. And the same is true a few years post graduation - from those I was in school with, I know a bunch whose husbands are learning and they fit into that world, many that are jpf type, some that are more modern or dati leumi living in Israel (and yes, some that don't look so frum judging purely on their whatsapp profile pictures). Wherever they are in life, I think it is much more common amongst Ateres graduates to say they loved their high school than graduates from other places.

Overall I really think it's a great school that can be wonderful for many types of girls. Happy to try and answer more questions, although as I said I don't have the most up-to-date info about what it's currently like. Honestly though, you can call the school and I really think they would be honest with you if you wanted to ask them questions or ask for people to speak to, maybe current parents.

Hatzlacha raba Heart

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 8:46 am

amother Hibiscus wrote:

My understanding is that the RCBC has a mandate to get every kid in Bergen County who wants a Yeshiva education to get one. If you live in Bergen County, then the rabbis work with the schools to find a place for your daughter.

I’m not so sure this is the case anymore.
I teach in a Bergen county day school.
It is usually the principal of the elementary school ( at least in my schools case ) that advocates for a student in this situation.

OP, did the principal of the elementary school your DD is in suggest that you apply to the places that you did?
It would seem odd if the principal was off the mark of where your DD can get in. I hope the principal is helping you.
I know that many times if a student is waitlisted teachers will write letters on behalf of the student and that has been effective .

I hope you are getting the advocacy that you need!

amother

Sand

Thu, Mar 28 2024, 8:59 am

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Unfortunately, there are space issues, and if none of the schools have a loyalty to you, it's possible to get into none. It can be even harder if you don't live in Bergen County or Elizabeth but where you live doesn't have the type of schools you need.

OP, the way you describe your daughter, you are on target but will need help. But I think you can do it, if you are able to be vulnerable. People will need to know your situation (not everyone, but maybe more people than you or dd would like) and you may gain from speaking to the principal of a school you're aiming for as a Jewish mother who doesn't want her daughter to fall through the cracks.

amother

Tomato

Thu, Apr 11 2024, 4:03 pm

I am so sorry you are going through this- my daughter had the same experience except she was flat out rejected to 3 schools. Her 8th grade teacher was horrible and it was covid year as well. We applied to 2 other schools and she ended up getting into one- honestly it was better for her in the long run but it was hell while we were going through it. I called my daughter’s principal crying asking what was wrong with my daughter. My daughter is the chesed girl- she has amazing middos also- she just had a really bad,cruel and vocal eighth grade teacher. I truly believe Hashem did it for a reason. My daughter is in 12th grade and B’H she got accepted to all 3 seminaries she applied to ( which is not heard of)😀