My daughter’s wig is so long

amother

Snow

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:24 pm

I say this as someone who disappoints her mother with her long lace top wig.

Op is entitled to vent.

Op, you’re entitled to your feelings especially since peopke don’t have much control over that. I’m sorry that this hurts you. May Hashem grant you the clarity to see that this is not a reflection of you and this isn’t a sign of your daughter tarnishing her neshama. May she bring you loads of Nachas

amother

Sunflower

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:29 pm

Op, I’m 30 and every wig I buy gets longer than my older one. My Yiddishkeit is amazing but my husband wants me to wear beautiful wigs, so I do it solely for him. His Yiddishkeit is amazing too, just saying.
My mother comments all the time. I brush the comments away but it’s really annoying.

This has nothing to do with Yiddishkeit or your parenting. Thank Hashem every day for your erlich children even thought they aren’t perfectly like you.

amother

Maple

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:31 pm

Op, totally valid there are many mothers in the same situation as you. Of course it hurts and duh crazy long wigs look unrefined. I think you should realize that yoddishkeit and connection ebbs and flows and just because she is holding here now, doesn’t mean she can’t change with time and maturity. For now now accept her and model the behavior you would love her to emulate without judgement and daven.

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:35 pm

What bugs me most about op’s posts is the comments about her daughters connection with hashem and that if she would’ve “worked on” her daughters “lack” she would’ve turned out differently.

Is your daughter a machine?

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Seafoam, I bH feel deep connection and joy in my yiddishkeit. My dd chose to stay in a similar derech to how she was raised. But, I think because she always cared a lot about others and about externals, she never developed a deep inner connection with Hashem. I figured that would come in time. Now I have regrets that I didn’t work on this issue more when she was younger. I don’t see this as a problem of our community. It’s a beautiful community. The framework is a very good one.

Some wigs look unrefined, I don’t think that’s a crazy statement.

I have a hard time understanding your last sentence. I’ve yet to see an unrefined wig, barring all streaks of the rainbow in one

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 7:05 pm

Auch! A lot of judges in this post.
I totally get ypu, OP. My kids are small, however I see in my environment some lack of tzniut. It is not the length of the wig or the clothes, but the actitudes with which some close women move arround.
I think and feel that it is a distinction between wanted to be pretty in an elegant way, and showing or focusing in your body beauty.
I am still young and I do my best to be pretty for my dh at home and in privacy, but I really pay attention in how I move and dress in public spheres.

Perhaps you can share with her some casual conversation about tzniut. When doing that you should listen to her without judging her, with open ears and an open hearth.
Women in the time of yetziat mitzraim is the best example of tzniut. Women used to paint their faces with black coal to hide themselves from the sight of mitzrim and at the same time they took care of their beauty with the little mirrors they had in order to be atractive to their husbands. Maybe you can just slip this or other stories into a conversation and see what happens.

Davening is always good. Also is it to watch to our own no-so-tzniut action. Most of the time, when we see outside ourselves something that bother us is some kind of reflection of our klipot and flaws.

I wish you and your daughter the best!

amother

Mintcream

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 7:20 pm

Just want to add that sometimes when you get a new wig it takes time to figure out. Like you don't want to cut it too short because then you might regret it. And maybe she wanted to try a new style... Many times after a few washes you end up cutting it and restyling to suit your whole look and face.

amother

Blue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 7:42 pm

amother Sunflower wrote:

Uch, can't stand when husbands want wives to wear certain stuff especially in public.

Aurora

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 7:51 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

What's the source for the black coal? Never heard of it before, and I love Midrashim

amother

Lightgreen

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 8:18 pm

tichellady wrote:

I’m confused why you think wanting to look attractive means a lack of connection with Hashem. I don’t see any connection between the two in any way

This is the most confusing thing about this post. Ok, OP is disappointed in her daughter that her tznius standards are lower now than the way she was raised. But connection with hashem? Davening? What does one have to do with the other? Her connection with Hashem could be stronger than her mothers (and based less on externals) nothing to do with the length of wig and davening. Strange.

amother

Hunter

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 8:20 pm

I don’t know if this is your first married child or how long exactly she’s been married, but I think you would do well to disengage your personal feelings from your children’s choices. You will see your children do things you wouldn’t do in their parenting, their life choices, big decisions… and if every time your reaction is that this is because I didn’t do a good enough job as their mother, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of emotional anguish and upset. You did your part in raising your children with good values and proper chinuch, but they are adults now making their own decisions. Learn to look at the big picture of your children’s lives- hopefully they are frum, married, parents, happy… and feel proud that you raised wholesome happy people who are able to live independent lives and make their own choices with confidence.

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 8:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hope not, because I don’t want my dd to know how I feel. Just venting.

I feel like I wasn’t a good enough mother and didn’t give over love of yiddishkeit properly. I know everyone here is going to hate my post, but that’s how I feel. I wish I could go back in time and do better.

You’re taking personally her decision as to what type of wig to wear when in Reality I’m sure you had nothing to do with it nor was she even thinking of you when she chose it. Obviously the look of the wig does something for her, or perhaps her dh wanted it or she’s trying to impress him or others, ie friends, etc. but it’s nothing to do with you. You can only raise them the way you want when they’re younger…once they’re adults they make their own decisions.

amother

Holly

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:11 pm

OP please don't put yourself down. Our children have their own tests and ways to develop. You did what you did at home which was your best. She needs to find where she stands to have a relationship with G-d in this world. This has nothing to do with you. Daven but you need to let go. Keep the communication open. That's what our children need at any age.