My daughter’s wig is so long

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Dear armchair therapists/bashers, did I ask for advice? Vents are vents.

What if I know my dd well (she’s not a new kallah) and know when something’s wrong? What if I know exactly what I wish I could change about my parenting, and it has nothing to do with what the bashers suggested. What if people could be honest here without being attacked?

Skyblue, that’s true that people make their own choices, but I could have done better at helping this dd (who cares a lot about what other people think) when she was younger. I kept thinking she would grow out of it. I should have been more proactive.

I read in an emunah book that once something is done ie a decision has been made etc., questioning it is neither helpful or productive, it’s strictly the yetzer hara trying to cause depression and regret. What’s done is done and blaming yourself will only hurt and torment you. Hashem put the exact thoughts in your mind at that time that you were supposed to have. I’m sure you did your very best, as we all do, to parent your children well. Again, beating yourself up now will accomplish nothing other than prolong your misery. Obviously you’re privy to more details about your relationship with this dd and how you raised her, as well as if this latest development is out of character for her and possibly a troubling sign. You know your daughter. The only thing you can do now is daven and be supportive of her, always. Don’t blame yourself.

Last edited by Cheiny on Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Seafoam, I bH feel deep connection and joy in my yiddishkeit. My dd chose to stay in a similar derech to how she was raised. But, I think because she always cared a lot about others and about externals, she never developed a deep inner connection with Hashem. I figured that would come in time. Now I have regrets that I didn’t work on this issue more when she was younger. I don’t see this as a problem of our community. It’s a beautiful community. The framework is a very good one.

Some wigs look unrefined, I don’t think that’s a crazy statement.

I think you sound a little naive. Very frum communities these days are unfortunately very focused on externals, even if you personally aren’t. Though based on this thread it seems like you are too.

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Seafoam, be real, please. If your dd did something that very publicly differed from what her friends and community does, and you saw other things changing with her yiddishkeit, how many mothers would just say it’s great, it’s fine, I’m so proud.

(edited for clarity)

OP, I’m sorry no one here seems to get you or understand what this means in the context of seeing changes in her… since this is really tormenting you and you seem to be blaming yourself, I think you would really benefit from discussing your feelings with a therapist or even a Rov who’d be understanding, to help you process your feelings, put things in perspective, and forgive yourself.

Last edited by Cheiny on Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

CPenzias

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

I agree with seafoam. I think you're the one who cares more about externals. That's not ok. A long wig doesn't equal pr-stitute

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:24 pm

I wish people would be honest about the fact that wearing a sheitel very different from your peer group is a statement.

Long is not the only option. You can get whatever length you’re willing to pay for. The younger generation is wearing longer than their mothers. The wig my dd showed up in is much longer than the standard wig that people in their 20s and early 30s are wearing.

Just please trust me to know my dd when I say it indicates something. Signing off from this conversation because I shouldn’t have posted when I knew I would get slammed. But hearing from people who understand was comforting and very helpful. Thank you for posting! Gut moed to all!

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:29 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I agree with seafoam. I think you're the one who cares more about externals. That's not ok. A long wig doesn't equal pr-stitute

I’m not sure where the disconnect is here or why no one is able to understand or seems to have noticed that OP said she has seen other changes in her dd as well. This is not only about the length or look of a wig. It goes deeper, OP said she knows her dd…

This is not only about a few extra inches of hair.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:30 pm

When our kids grow up it demands of us a whole new level of personal development.

I have an adult daughter that’s not completely frum and I went through this process in a more pronounced way.

I combed over the parts of her childhood that I didn’t show up enough for her. I felt deep regret and grief. I blamed myself and felt awful that things happened the way they did.

Then at a certain point I came to the realization that this was all meant to be. Like others have said, Hashem gave me just the right blind spots to create the recipe for my child’s destiny. I realized that even though her trajectory was turning into something very different than what I imagined - for my daughter - this is her journey and she’s meant to create some sort of light from this path.

I began to drop the judgement and shift towards acceptance. I realized most of my resistance to her was my ego

My ego wants her to be like me. To love Hashem the way I do. To stay within my comfort zone. To make me look good and feel good.

And Hashem chose differently. Through her journey he demanded so much inner growth from me.

What does it mean to love Hashem if I also make my daughter feel bad? A child can read our thoughts because it leaks out in the energy we carry.

Loving Hashem deeply means loving our kids deeply even if they don’t do things the way we see it should be. It’s seeing the good in them and never stopping to believe in the goodness.

But in order to get there we need to air out the petty side of ourselves. The part that is egoistic and devastated and wanted things our way.

amother

Lily

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:30 pm

Cheiny wrote:

The stuff about not davening and other changes trickled out in subsequent posts rather than being up front in the OP.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:46 pm

It's wrong to say a long wig is "unrefined." Kate Middleton has long hair and there's nothing unrefined about it. You might say that a long wig is inappropriate for a frum married woman because it makes her resemble a single woman, but IMHO you could say that about any wig that looks like the real thing, even if it's short. Only if it's something really outre like hot pink or shaded from brunette at the crown to pale wheat at the ends or so thick it resembles a lion's mane more than a head of hair, IOW something that a very lower-class person would do to her own hair, I don't think you can call it "unrefined."

I also fail to see the connection between having a long wig and one's connection to Hashem. Don't misunderstand, I don't approve of wigs lechatchila, and the longer they are the less I approve of them, but I don't think one can draw any sort of conclusions about a woman's connection to Hashem based on her wig. Do we assume that a man who wears stylish, well-cut suits davens with less kavana than one who wears baggy, shapeless ones, or do we just assume he has more disposable income? Do we assume that the man with the showy, nine-inch-wide silver atarah on his tallis is less strict in his observance than the man who wears a plain tallis with a standard machine-embroidered atarah?

Now if you, OP, have observed other changes in your dd that lead you to worry that she may be headed off the path--say, she starts hanging out in betting parlors, eating in places with sketchy hechsherim or no hechsherim, and her hemlines are creeping upwards--that's a different story entirely, but don't be blaming it all on the length of her wig.

CPenzias

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

So it's a statement. Does that equal pr-stitute? You're making her sound like a lady of the night. Is there more going on than just the length of her sheitel?

zaq

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

People don’t just randomly decide to wear a wig that’s long and unrefined when none of their friends do. It’s not a neutral choice. It says look at me. It says I don’t feel good about myself, give me attention for my looks. It indicates an inner lack of connection with Hashem. It goes along with her not getting up to daven anymore.

It’s so painful as a mother to see.

As Crookshanks said, eewww. You choose to interpret it this way. I might say the exact same thing about a woman with straight hair who chooses to wear a curly or wavy wig, or vice versa. Or a woman with thin, limp hair who wears a thick wig with lots of body, or --cough, cough--one with grey hair who for the past 40 years has worn a wig way blonder or blacker or sleeker or silkier or shinier than her own hair ever was IRL.

CPenzias

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 10:05 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I hear you but the only thing we know is what the op told us which is the length of her daughter's wig and that her daughter isn't davening (she mentioned that later on)

chestnut

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 10:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is what happens when you have posters from all different communities. It's hard to understand.
I'm sorry you're seeing these changes in your daughter. It definitely hurts. Blaming yourself for not talking to her enough, not spending more time with her, not showing the beauty of tznius, etc more all makes sense. However, judging from your posts, I think you gave your all to this daughter. Kids grow up, get married, they change. There are so many factors that contribute to the changes. And changes happen throughout the life.
Her sheitel looks too long and unrefined to you. It probably looks gorgeous, youthful, and stylish to her. Having a lace front/top is all the rage these days.
You see she doesn't daven (any more?). She might be too tired, in a funk, or talking to Hashem in her own words throughout the day, about big and small things. Isn't it the ultimate connection? You won't necessarily see it, though.
She's paving her own way in life and yiddishkeit now. Not worse, less than, but her own.
May you only nachas from her, her husband, and their children!

Last edited by chestnut on Thu, Apr 25 2024, 10:32 pm; edited 1 time in total