My daughter’s wig is so long

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Forum -> Fashion and Beauty -> Sheitels & Tichels

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amother

Snow

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:23 pm

Op, h don’t know if this helps at all or makes it worse but I’ll share it regardless.

I wear a long lace top. I don’t Daven from a siddur. I have distanced myself from my mother’s way of being frum. That doesn’t mean I’m not frum. I just do it in a different way than her. The reason I don’t fabrn from a sidfuf is because kriah has always been a struggle for me and I don’t understand what I’m saying. I used to force myself to Daven and I hated davening. I went to shiur once and the Rabbi was discussing people who struggle with davening and mentioned that it’s perfectly acceptable to daven to Hashem in your own words, either out loud or in your head. This was groundbreaking for me. And so I stopped forcing myself to Daven from a siddur and bega taking time 15 minutes when I wake up and 15 minutes before I go to sleep and have a quietly verbal or mental conversation with Hashem. I now love davening. I can’t do it from a siddur. There is no kavanah whatsoever when I do it that way. This way, I give Hashem my all when I Daven to Him.

In regards to tznius and wigs, unlike you, my mother did comment on all of my changes. And the more she commented the more I dug my heels in. I always knew from a young age That I disagreed with her outlook in regards to tznius. It was just a matter of needing to respect her while I lived in her home. As soon as I got married, I had the freedom to explore my choices without feeling like I’m doing it only to please my mother.

Like I said, this might not be remotely helpful. But this is my experience in these topics.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:25 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

It's wrong to say a long wig is "unrefined." Kate Middleton has long hair and there's nothing unrefined about it. You might say that a long wig is inappropriate for a frum married woman because it makes her resemble a single woman, but IMHO you could say that about any wig that looks like the real thing, even if it's short. Only if it's something really outre like hot pink or shaded from brunette at the crown to pale wheat at the ends or so thick it resembles a lion's mane more than a head of hair, IOW something that a very lower-class person would do to her own hair, I don't think you can call it "unrefined."

I also fail to see the connection between having a long wig and one's connection to Hashem. Don't misunderstand, I don't approve of wigs lechatchila, and the longer they are the less I approve of them, but I don't think one can draw any sort of conclusions about a woman's connection to Hashem based on her wig. Do we assume that a man who wears stylish, well-cut suits davens with less kavana than one who wears baggy, shapeless ones, or do we just assume he has more disposable income? Do we assume that the man with the showy, nine-inch-wide silver atarah on his tallis is less strict in his observance than the man who wears a plain tallis with a standard machine-embroidered atarah?

Now if you, OP, have observed other changes in your dd that lead you to worry that she may be headed off the path--say, she starts hanging out in betting parlors, eating in places with sketchy hechsherim or no hechsherim, and her hemlines are creeping upwards--that's a different story entirely, but don't be blaming it all on the length of her wig.

You seem to have missed the entire point and you’re ignoring other remarks OP made. She is not “blaming it all on the length of the wig.” Again, the disconnect is inexplicable to me…

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:29 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I hear you but the only thing we know is what the op told us which is the length of her daughter's wig and that her daughter isn't davening (she mentioned that later on)

No, that’s not all she said. She also said there were changes in her Yiddishkeit. Why is that being completely ignored and everyone is jumping only on the wig length?

singleagain

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:31 pm

Cheiny wrote:

No, that’s not all she said. She also said there were changes in her Yiddishkeit. Why is that being completely ignored and everyone is jumping only on the wig length?

Because this is posted in sheitel & tichel and the wig is what's mentioned in the subject line.

These sorts of things inform a post.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:31 pm

zaq wrote:

maybe you preached so much that your child couldn't take it anymore and had to rebel or go mad. Maybe your child was never the pious creature you thought s/he was but was just waiting to grow up and move out so s/he could do as s/he liked without you breathing down his/her neck.

.

Wow, do you think OP needs more guilt or pain laid on her?

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:34 pm

Ruchi wrote:

Can someone please explain me, why when a yiddishe mama is hurt and upset, that other posters thinks it's important to hurt her even further?

If you can't offer validation, sympathy, understanding or a good word, then just keep quiet.

אונאת דברים is very serious.

Many posters need to ask the op מחילה

Totally agree. I’m shocked at some of the comments I’m reading here. I guess people are getting personally triggered and are taking out their own stuff on OP. Otherwise some of the comments are nothing short of cruel, or at best, completely lacking in understanding and seichel.

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:35 pm

amother NeonPink wrote:

But why does this have anything to do with the love of yiddishkeit?

Yup. It’s not as if she’s eating pork sandwiches

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:36 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Feeling hurt or "venting" doesn't give you a right to come on here and disparage a bunch of frum women without their being allowed to respond.

OP claimed that the only reason someone would wear a long wig was because of a bunch of terrible reasons. I don't even wear wigs but still found that false and offensive.

I know OP didn't intend her comment to insult a bunch of women on here, but the comment was really unkind, even if she's saying it because she's hurt.

Whatever she commented was regarding her thoughts on her daughter’s look. If you took it as a personal insult, then you indeed are one of those who got triggered…

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:37 pm

Ruchi wrote:

Firstly, people need to be open minded and understand that this platform hosts women from all walks of life. What is acceptable and normal in one community can be considered unacceptable in a different community.
Please don't be judgmental towards other communities when you know nothing about their standards and way of life, or if you disagree with their way of life.

No woman should feel disparaged when the OP is NOT referring to them and doesn't mean them.

The ops reasons don't have to be agreeable with you. Please don't call them terrible, when you have no background understanding about her community, and way of life.

No reasons are justifiable to further hurt her and cause her more pain.

Again, if there is nothing nice to say, read, be tolerant, ignore and move on. DON'T HURT.

Bravo. Well said.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:38 pm

Ruchi wrote:

Here we go again. Another poster who doesn't seem able to control herself and thinks it's a mitzvah to display cynicism on the cheshbon of a mother who may be in Pain and is seeking guidance.

Just stop this behavior. You don't like a post? Why can't you be tolerant and ignore? Why????

It’s a clear sign of being strongly triggered. She’s overreacting and lashing out at OP because this topic is bringing up something deep within herself that she struggles greatly with.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:40 pm

SuperWify wrote:

lol. Frum women absolutely don’t look like hookers. Strange and rude remark on her part.

aAtually someone in the community made a similar observation when she noticed all the women standing outside a well known, large shul, talking on Rosh Hashana… that the clothes, very long wigs, and entire look screamed (something negative).

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:44 pm

essie14 wrote:

Oh my gosh.
You sent her to private school, you brought her up as a frum Jew and she's a shaitel wearing, kosher keeping frum Jew today, and all you can see is a shaitel that's a bit too long for your taste and you're blowing it up into a huge deal and blaming yourself for not being a good enough mother?
You're equating a love of yiddishkeit with long hair??
Please get some help. Is your daughter a good person?
Did she marry a nice young man and they have a loving relationship?
That's far more important than the length of her wig.
Please stop harping on the wig and appreciate your daughter for the wonderful person she is.
Your children are not carbon copies of you.
Please accept that for ALL of your children.
They will not make the same choices as you.
Her method of hair covering us her choice. Choosing to daven is her choice.
And so is everything else in her life.
She's not your clone.

Again, why are you callously making it all about the wig? Why are you conveniently ignoring everything else OP said, ie that she sees changes in her Yiddishkeit? Is she supposed to just shrug that off and not be bothered by that either?

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:46 pm

Ruchi wrote:

If you don't agree with her, it's not a reason to be unkind. The OP is not looking for this extra hurt.

I’m with you. Completely shaking my head at how many here just don’t get it and are harping on things that are triggering them…

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:48 pm

essie14 wrote:

I completely understand where she's coming from. And I think she's wrong.

You can think all you want… how you respond to her is something else. Perhaps honestly look into where the strong overreactions are emanating from in you.
You ignore everything else OP said about changes in her dd’s Yiddishkeit, and choose to focus only on the wig, and to berate OP as if her feelings are shameful and unwarranted.

safetynet1

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:48 pm

Cheiny wrote:

There is a strong reading comprehension issue across the board here.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:53 pm

amother Seafoam wrote:

You sound awfully familiar with ops reasons and taking all of this very personally.

Makes me wonder if you and op are the same person

Wow. Just wow. And also, projection on your part. I think you’re the one who’s been triggered…

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:54 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Ruchi- the reason I won’t “validate” op is because she needs to hear that she’s hurting her daughter, herself and her younger kids with her crooked views on parenting and Judaism. I will not feed into her unhealthy mindset so that she can pat herself on the back that she’s right.

She’s in pain, but not because of the reason she thinks she is.

What a lack of compassion and understanding.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 1:59 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

No I’m responding with my own hurt. Because I and many on here, have been hurt by people like op who made sweeping assumptions about us and judged us for our looks.

I’m glad the truth is finally emerging and I commend you for admitting you got triggered. All those who are attacking OP, showing a complete lack of understanding and compassion, and are intentionally ignoring much of what she said, are doing so because of their own stuff that is being triggered. It’s still no excuse.

safetynet1

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 2:00 pm

For the record, I think OP is amazing. Something bothers her tremendously, yet she has the self control not to say anything.

Cheiny

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 2:03 pm

singleagain wrote:

Because this is posted in sheitel & tichel and the wig is what's mentioned in the subject line.

These sorts of things inform a post.

Just because that’s the forum it’s in doesn’t mean the substance of the rest of her comments should be discounted or completely ignored, does it?

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