Feeling like I can’t express myself at home

amother

Mon, May 06 2024, 11:29 pm

I grew up in a home where my mom wore the same clothing every other day.. never bought anything for herself she did not have any desire for those kinds of things.. she never bought jewelry, had one pair of shoes. You get the picture. So I never developed my sense of style and always kind of looked shlumpy because I didn’t have anyone telling me what to wear. I got married and moved to Lakewood and my husband bought me tons of new clothing because he appreciates this stuff and saw his mom dressing up and wanted me to look the same. Now I look much better and feel much better about myself, having discovered my sense of style. But every time I come back home I feel so uncomfortable to go back to my house. My mother makes comments at me all the time like “is that what people in lakewood wear? It’s very flashy” and I feel like my new clothing is making a stilt in our relationship. I know she’s hurt that he bought me all this clothing and it makes me happy and that she didn’t but I don’t know why else I get so uncomfortable when I get home every time. Like I don’t want to get dressed in my house. She makes me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing for wanting to dress nice. She’s very spiritual and is very unmaterialstic. I always leave her house wanting to throw out all my clothes. Anyways I don’t know if that made sense and don’t even know why I’m posting this but I’m just hurt every time I see her starring at my clothing with that sad face. I just wanted to vent. Ok done.

amother

Amber

Tue, May 07 2024, 1:42 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

No advice but found it interesting how you call your parents house “home”.

I'm wondering whether op is fairly recently married and she's still working out what it's like to be part of a couple, rather than a single living in her parents' house.
Give it time op and you will be more comfortable. Are you able to have a conversation with your mother that it bothers you when she comments on your clothing? Or maybe having one reply that you say each time to shut the conversation down.

ice coffee

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:05 am

I would call this a “her” issue and not you. You have every right to wear whatever you like and not feel judged by your mother. Judging is not spiritual behavior. You feeling pretty and appreciative of your husband is. I’d say continue focusing on that aspect

amother

Bone

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:13 am

I relate to the mother part of this issue.
I'm young and enjoy dressing well in fashionable clothing, I get myself something new for each season and the styles of my clothing and shoes reflect that. My mom thinks she's this major holy martyr who never gets herself anything new, she's so proud of it and can't understand why I want to look good. I learnt to do whatever I want regardless of the comments. Fashion is something we can't agree on and that's ok. It's ok to dress down when you visit her maybe but all the other times it's your husband's opinion that's supposed to matter. I'm constantky reminding my mom that my husband likes how I dress so she really has no say here.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:54 am

It sounds like you are still developing a sense of self and it may take time until you feel comfortable with your "new" self in places where everyone is used to the old you.

My mother was very not into fashion, but I had very strong opinions about what I wore from a very young age. We often clashed. Even for those that don't have their own strong opinions, there usually comes a time when you start to differ from your parents and find your own sense of self. Often this happens by the teenage years. For you it was later.

Enjoy figuring out what you like and dislike. In time you'll feel more comfortable with it.

As far as using the word "home" to describe your parents hourse, I did the same for as long as my parents lived there. It was still my home, even when I was married for a long time and had my own home and family.

amother

Canary

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:04 am

amother Whitewash wrote:

You need to work on developing stronger sense of self

And home is where YOU live

I couldn’t disagree more. My parents home will always feel like my home. Doesn’t take away from my home with my family. Taking it one step further whenever I go to ey I feel like im back home. My husband feels that way whenever he goes to the bungalow. Absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like your home in your parents home.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:12 am

Just like you are adjusting to marriage, your mom has to adjust to you being married.
If you are bringing Lakewood "culture " into their home and basically to her attention, since she probably never paid attention to it before ( her being so unmaterialistic), she will be curious and probably a little surprised. Her reaction is fairly normal for the vast difference in how she is used to compared to what's in style in town.

She clearly cares about you and probably wants the best for you. She might not agree that is the best because of her "coming from a different place".

Let her be who she is without taking it as destructive to you. Your dh is buying you beautiful clothing and you are enjoying immensely so smile and say yes mother, that's what's in style and dh bought it for me and I'm enjoying it so much. In fact, maybe consider pre-empting everything by announcing "look what Chaim bought for me! Isn't it gorgeous?" Before she asks. She is for sure as you describe very not used to it.

So please enjoy your new clothes but be realistic that its going to take time for your mother to wrap her head around it.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:26 am

amother Canary wrote:

How long are you married?

We’re not talking about hometown, or homeland. We’re talking about HOME. Home is and should be where you and your husband live and share your life.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:30 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

How can you know from such a small snippet that she clearly cares about her? Maybe she’s one of those controlling mothers?

amother

Mayflower

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:30 am

I'm just gonna drop a tip here. My circumstances are very similar. Mother doesn't know the first thing and dh likes up to date stuff, still very tzniusdig but more what's in and fresh every season. I used to say it was_____ who bought it for me. But my mother started making comments like why don't I have a say in what I wear. So I switched my tune. Now I go over when I'm well dressed and I take the compliments for myself. Dh isn't shopping with me anymore, those were the shana rishona days. It still hurts sometimes when she doesn't "approve" but I've learnt to move past it.

amother

Stone

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:33 am

amother Canary wrote:

Nope. You must still be fairly recently married
Your husband and your children are your home. Your parents are your parents. Their house is NOT your home. When your are more newlywed, it’s hard to see, but eventually you will

Chayalle

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:36 am

amother Stone wrote:

Yeah things shift, but even after 20 years of marriage my parents' home had a certain home feeling to me. I was comfortable making myself comfortable, helping myself to the fridge, etc...(and my parents wanted me to be.)
Same for my DD's. BH they get married, move on, but my home is their childhood home.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:37 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

How can you know from such a small snippet that she clearly cares about her? Maybe she’s one of those controlling mothers?

If she didn't care she wouldn't be interested in what her daughter wears, most controlling parents actually do care, its not lack of caring that makes them over contrlling. Its literally the opposite extreme problem,of course both extremes being completely unhealthy.
But the way I understood OP the mother isn't saying anything outright telling her what to do but is reacting as though unsure of this all new stuff, but she knows her mother and can read her feelings.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:37 am

Being spiritual should include understanding other's needs. I'm really not materialistic or into fashion but my daughters look beautiful when they're dressed up and I always try to notice when they're wearing something new and compliment them.
Your mother's issues aren't just about being non-materialistic it's about understanding you.
Unless your parents are supporting you and she feels you're spending their money on clothes then she might have a point.