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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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amother
OP
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 Fri, May 10 2024, 12:33 pm
Dd 15 yrs old
She has so many great qualities, I love her and like her and enjoy spending time with her.
She has adhd and lots of emotional dysregulation. She is on medication and is in therapy. She is not an easy kid, always was very intense and very challenging but we've gotten through the years, with a lot of love, a lot of patience, and giving a lot more than other kids need. both emotionally and in material wants.
We always had such a close relationship. Even when she started therapy as a preteen, she always wanted me in the room with her. Spend lots of time together etc.
In the past year, she became so much more difficult, emotional outbursts, arguing, yelling, . I am responding with love and patience and listening to her. BUt its SO hard. How do people survive????
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Dolly Welsh
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Fri, May 10 2024, 12:45 pm
Needs meat, steak. Needs strength. Is growing fast and this is the body demanding nourishment.
Also needs to be more physically tired with exertion. Walking, running, jumping rope to improve nimbleness.
Needs manual dexterity activities. Consider knitting, crochet. Maybe embroidery. There are lots of kits.
Might need a better mattress. Perhaps a thick memory foam bed topper.
Should have water next to the bed for good hydration.
Should eat plenty of live-culture yogurt as gut flora affect emotions, believe it or not. If it tastes sour to her, it is OK to mix it with vanilla ice cream.
Make sure her eyes are fine, her vision. If she is struggling to see well that is very frustrating.
Also singing, because that is a kind of yelling that refines the voice and the person is listening to herself and sounds good to herself. Possibly singing lessons? Only if that is normal in your community.
She knows what's coming, womanhood; and she is scared out of her mind. She know you aren't going to be able to be in the room with that.
Attention from her father, to reassure her that men are nice people.
Competence in the kitchen. She is terrified she won't be able to fulfill that role well. Praise what she cooks to the whole family. Even if she just helped you make it; make it her creation.
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behappy2
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Fri, May 10 2024, 12:52 pm
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Feel free to pm me. Dealing with this too.
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amother
Floralwhite
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:18 pm
Sounds like you’re dealing with teenagehood very well!! Whatever you’re doing, keep at it!
Try to do activities that you enjoy doing and give yourself some space too!
Remember, gam zeh ya’avor! I tell it to myself all the time!
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amother
Stone
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:23 pm
It's very difficult. The way I see it, each birthday is a victory, another year gone by.
With my teenagers, the more I am involved in things besides them, the more they learn they aren't the center of the world. Unfortunately it's a lesson to be learned.
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amother
Peru
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:38 pm
from a survivor:
you don't survive
you trudge forward doubting your ability to parent and than your entire being
and than one day you wake up battered and bruised and you realize it's behind you
and you learn to start breathing and you can finally reclaim e/t that's yours
and you stand taller and you're not expecting a shoe to fall on your head every minute
and the sun shines brighter
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amother
Peach
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:43 pm
| amother Peru wrote: | from a survivor:
you don't survive
you trudge forward doubting your ability to parent and than your entire being
and than one day you wake up battered and bruised and you realize it's behind you
and you learn to start breathing and you can finally reclaim e/t that's yours
and you stand taller and you're not expecting a shoe to fall on your head every minute
and the sun shines brighter |
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amother
Purple
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:46 pm
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amother
Bergamot
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:48 pm
| amother Peru wrote: | from a survivor:
you don't survive
you trudge forward doubting your ability to parent and than your entire being
and than one day you wake up battered and bruised and you realize it's behind you
and you learn to start breathing and you can finally reclaim e/t that's yours
and you stand taller and you're not expecting a shoe to fall on your head every minute
and the sun shines brighter |
100%! Signed: A fellow survivor.
You put it so eloquently!
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amother
OP
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:54 pm
What age is "past " it? What age did you feel that your child became more mature?
thing is, pple with adhd are emotionally less mature so her psyciatrist warned us that it might be a few years later than neurotypical teens.
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mha3484
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Fri, May 10 2024, 1:59 pm
| amother Stone wrote: | It's very difficult. The way I see it, each birthday is a victory, another year gone by.
With my teenagers, the more I am involved in things besides them, the more they learn they aren't the center of the world. Unfortunately it's a lesson to be learned. |
I agree with this and not just for teenagers for my preteens also. My parents were like this when I was growing up and I really saw how it trickled down to us I do the same and I recommend it.
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amother
OP
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Fri, May 10 2024, 2:01 pm
| mha3484 wrote: | | I agree with this and not just for teenagers for my preteens also. My parents were like this when I was growing up and I really saw how it trickled down to us I do the same and I recommend it. |
Can you elaborate or give an example?
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mha3484
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Fri, May 10 2024, 2:15 pm
I love my children very much and really enjoy spending time with them and they are HARD but at the end of the day they are not my friends and not my source of validation in life. I have a job that gives me fulfillment, a marriage, friends. I go to events that look interesting to me and my kids complain too bad. I learned to value myself as a person who is entitled to a life. One of my kids wanted to know why I always go to a certain shiur, because I am just as entitled to learn torah as you are. When I am strong on my boundaries, they respect it and even has produced some funny comments from my 13 year old son about how long it takes me to come home from a kiddush.
My Grandmother when she retired took tons of classes, art lessons, traveled, played cards with her friends. She was always doing something. My parents had regular dates, they were in a bowling league back when that was popular, they had a themed dinner club they were in where everyone took turns hosting. They had all kinds of hobbies and interests.
One day my kids will grow up and need me a lot less and I hope to be like my mother and my grandmother A'H who have/had thriving social lives, hobbies that make them happy etc. My mother wasnt sad to be an empty nester, she has so much going on.
Last edited by mha3484 on Fri, May 10 2024, 2:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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giftedmom
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Fri, May 10 2024, 2:31 pm
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I appreciate this thread. Constantly doubting myself.
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amother
Babyblue
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Fri, May 10 2024, 2:32 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Dd 15 yrs old
She has so many great qualities, I love her and like her and enjoy spending time with her.
She has adhd and lots of emotional dysregulation. She is on medication and is in therapy. She is not an easy kid, always was very intense and very challenging but we've gotten through the years, with a lot of love, a lot of patience, and giving a lot more than other kids need. both emotionally and in material wants.
We always had such a close relationship. Even when she started therapy as a preteen, she always wanted me in the room with her. Spend lots of time together etc.
In the past year, she became so much more difficult, emotional outbursts, arguing, yelling, . I am responding with love and patience and listening to her. BUt its SO hard. How do people survive???? |
My tween is exactly this. Would love to hear more on how to survive this...
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amother
Chartreuse
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Fri, May 10 2024, 2:49 pm
| mha3484 wrote: | I love my children very much and really enjoy spending time with them and they are HARD but at the end of the day they are not my friends and not my source of validation in life. I have a job that gives me fulfillment, a marriage, friends. I go to events that look interesting to me and my kids complain too bad. I learned to value myself as a person who is entitled to a life. One of my kids wanted to know why I always go to a certain shiur, because I am just as entitled to learn torah as you are. When I am strong on my boundaries, they respect it and even has produced some funny comments from my 13 year old son about how long it takes me to come home from a kiddush.
My Grandmother when she retired took tons of classes, art lessons, traveled, played cards with her friends. She was always doing something. My parents had regular dates, they were in a bowling league back when that was popular, they had a themed dinner club they were in where everyone took turns hosting. They had all kinds of hobbies and interests.
One day my kids will grow up and need me a lot less and I hope to be like my mother and my grandmother A'H who have/had thriving social lives, hobbies that make them happy etc. My mother wasnt sad to be an empty nester, she has so much going on. |
Bittersweet post to read. I love this post but sadly my life is nothing like this.
Not because I believe in that in principle but because life with my kids just exhausts me emotionally (they’re not exceptionally difficult) and I’m struggling in my marriage an d live as an OOTer in an in-town city with no friends… it’s hard. It takes strength and stamina to build (re-build because my life pre-kids was super-full of everything you describe) and the past 20 years have sucked a lot out of me.
I don’t want to have victim-mentality. This post was a good reminder and maybe I can try again.
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amother
Stone
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Fri, May 10 2024, 5:35 pm
| mha3484 wrote: | I love my children very much and really enjoy spending time with them and they are HARD but at the end of the day they are not my friends and not my source of validation in life. I have a job that gives me fulfillment, a marriage, friends. I go to events that look interesting to me and my kids complain too bad. I learned to value myself as a person who is entitled to a life. One of my kids wanted to know why I always go to a certain shiur, because I am just as entitled to learn torah as you are. When I am strong on my boundaries, they respect it and even has produced some funny comments from my 13 year old son about how long it takes me to come home from a kiddush.
My Grandmother when she retired took tons of classes, art lessons, traveled, played cards with her friends. She was always doing something. My parents had regular dates, they were in a bowling league back when that was popular, they had a themed dinner club they were in where everyone took turns hosting. They had all kinds of hobbies and interests.
One day my kids will grow up and need me a lot less and I hope to be like my mother and my grandmother A'H who have/had thriving social lives, hobbies that make them happy etc. My mother wasnt sad to be an empty nester, she has so much going on. |
For me it's a bit different. I have always been very dedicated to my children, and I was a SAHM for a long time, while my oldests were growing up. Over time I saw that they were learning to take me for granted, for me to always be available. They were acting entitled and demanding and disrespectful. I know this is normal for preteens but I was not going to spend my years "serving" them as they were accustomed to when they were younger. I got a job instead, a life out of my home. I'm not always available. I go to sleep when I need to, I buy things for myself that I need without intending to share. I am my own person.
Don't get me wrong, I love them to pieces. I am always buying treats and presents for them just because and also when they are deserving. I spend quality time with each one, I compliment them and validate when they need me to. I give them my full attention. But they respect me more. They know to catch me if they need something because I might be elsewhere later. They learned that there are other people around who may need me more than they do temporarily. I am available but not 100% of the time. Sometimes they need to figure things out on their own.
This teaches them to take responsibility, it makes them proactive rather than sitting around and waiting for me to help them. I don't exist for their sakes.
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giftedmom
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Fri, May 10 2024, 6:28 pm
| amother Stone wrote: | For me it's a bit different. I have always been very dedicated to my children, and I was a SAHM for a long time, while my oldests were growing up. Over time I saw that they were learning to take me for granted, for me to always be available. They were acting entitled and demanding and disrespectful. I know this is normal for preteens but I was not going to spend my years "serving" them as they were accustomed to when they were younger. I got a job instead, a life out of my home. I'm not always available. I go to sleep when I need to, I buy things for myself that I need without intending to share. I am my own person.
Don't get me wrong, I love them to pieces. I am always buying treats and presents for them just because and also when they are deserving. I spend quality time with each one, I compliment them and validate when they need me to. I give them my full attention. But they respect me more. They know to catch me if they need something because I might be elsewhere later. They learned that there are other people around who may need me more than they do temporarily. I am available but not 100% of the time. Sometimes they need to figure things out on their own.
This teaches them to take responsibility, it makes them proactive rather than sitting around and waiting for me to help them. I don't exist for their sakes. |
This naturally happens when you have younger kids I think. Obviously I’m not going to run and do something for my teen when I’m busy with a toddler or a baby.
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amother
Stone
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Fri, May 10 2024, 6:54 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | | This naturally happens when you have younger kids I think. Obviously I’m not going to run and do something for my teen when I’m busy with a toddler or a baby. |
On a certain level, yes. It is different when the people I am busy with are employees, customers, childhood friends or distant relatives. It makes teens realize that I am my own person. I will help them to the best of my ability. I will not make myself a shmatta for them.
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