Why do some people not share workers?

amother

Seagreen

Wed, May 15 2024, 3:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

With clothing I can maybe understand. Some people specifically shop things & at places where they won't be wearing the same things as the entire city.
But not wanting to share the number of a painter???? Why?

Nope not even with clothing… are people so insecure to possibly match someone? And if it’s a hand me down just say it’s from my sister/cousin/friend. It’s extremely normal to pass clothes around and I wouldn’t assume someone does it cuz they’re poor

amother

Wed, May 15 2024, 4:12 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

This is very community dependent. In some communities, it's embarrassing to wear Target, H&M, forget about hand me downs.
I actually think it's not nice to ask others where they bought their clothing. It can put people in an uncomfortable situation.

amother

Lightcoral

Thu, May 16 2024, 12:56 am

I had a strange situation where an acquaintance told me abt a hiking trail not far away, that she had heard about from another acquaintance.
I was happy to learn of it, and went with my family and maybe shared that with another friend or two.
A few months later, the lady who told me abt the trail came to me annoyed and accused me of telling a camp abt the trail, and now its not private anymore Can't Believe It

amother

Turquoise

Thu, May 16 2024, 1:13 am

I'm not like this at all and I'm usually happy to share any info I have about something if it will help another.

However I have this stupid situation that irks me every year.

I have SIL who has a small home based food business. I was known in the family for making several very unique seasonal dishes before a specific Yom Tov. One year my SIL decided that she wanted to add these dishes to her order menu. Being a nice, normal person, I happily gave her my recipes and tips and ever since then she sells these items every year. Which is fine except that now what were once exclusively my special dishes, have become her special dishes in our family's culture. I know its stupid- I incurred no loss by sharing the recipes- but it really bugs the immature baby in me.

amother

Tulip

Thu, May 16 2024, 1:33 am

watergirl wrote:

I wonder if this is an outgrowth of the anxiety that seems to exist in some neighborhoods regarding "stealing" cleaning help.

I helped someone out by coordinating with my cleaning lady so that my neighbor can hire her.

The neighbor proceeded to pay her above the asking rate and then within a month took my hours.

Don't tell me that this neighbor didn't do something nasty and selfish. I'm not saying that she did something illegal. But it was underhanded. I know that she knows by the amount of times she has made sure to tell me that she's in the right even though I have never confronted her nor 6do I discuss the matter. It's not my job to teach her middos. So I just smile and change the topic.

essie14

Thu, May 16 2024, 1:36 am

I love recommending my service providers!
Who uses a painter or a repair person more than once or twice a year? Why wouldn't you want that person to have parnassa? How do people think a business is built?

Clothing is totally different. I understand that people don't want to share where they bought a specific item because
A. They bought it somewhere cheap and are embarrassed
B. They don't want half the neighborhood buying the same item

But if someone posts "I'm new to the city. Where can I buy nice shabbat dresses?"
Why wouldn't you recommend a few stores?

I love recommending people who have done a good job in my home. I'm happy for that person to build up their business. Especially something like a closet guy.
He already built many closets for me.
I won't be using him again, possibly ever, or maybe in the distant future. How else can he grow his business if people don't recommend him?

Last edited by essie14 on Thu, May 16 2024, 3:01 am; edited 1 time in total

essie14

Thu, May 16 2024, 3:05 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

This is a completely different situation.
I think it's weird for someone who is a chef to use someone else's recipes for her business. Why can't she develop her own recipes? That's literally her job.
Giving out recipes is nothing like recommending a painter.
I happen to give out recipes freely but I also don't have lots of recipes that are exclusively mine.
I usually Google or look at a cookbook and then tweak a recipe a bit after I made it once. I don't consider that my recipe.
I'll happily share a link to a recipe I've made.
I have a few friends with home cooking/baking businesses and I don't ask them for recipes.

essie14

Thu, May 16 2024, 3:07 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Hiking trails are easily found on Google. There's no way she was the first person to find that trail. Can't Believe It

amother

Indigo

Thu, May 16 2024, 3:08 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

she should give you credit for the recipes
Call it chanis salad ....

yellowroses

Thu, May 16 2024, 3:49 am

amother Sage wrote:

The same type of person that when giving out a recipe will leave out one ingredient so that nobody will make it as good as she does. Yes I know someone like that... yucky middos

My mother told me that this used to be a normal thing! I guess the ladies did not work back in the day and had extra time on their hands to be busy with such narishkeiten.

amother

Green

Thu, May 16 2024, 5:50 am

My dh does minor repairs and if he works on one house then often he'll be called to do the rest of the block within the month. He also does whole extended families, and friends, and all the seniors who attend a particular shiur. I really don't think what you're describing is usual.

amother

Green

Thu, May 16 2024, 5:52 am

amother Tulip wrote:

Cleaning help is different because you need the cleaning help on a regular basis. So they can only help a limited number of people. It's perfectly understandable why someone wouldn't want to share their cleaning help with others.

dankbar

Thu, May 16 2024, 6:54 am

yellowroses wrote:

My mother told me that this used to be a normal thing! I guess the ladies did not work back in the day and had extra time on their hands to be busy with such narishkeiten.

Just heard a podcast last night, from Rabbi shais Taub, why last generation put in all their effort and their main focus was the physical, not emotional, in cleaning, cooking, dressing kids well, house had to be nice....it was a way to fight Stalin and Hitler so that Jewish nation perseveres and not letting them crush them, and this was their way implementing the continuation of the Jewish people.

Interesting thought.

yellowroses

Thu, May 16 2024, 7:03 am

dankbar wrote:

And now we are all sitting in therapy and trying to work out our emotions and how to be emotionally available as well for our kids 😂
I feel like especially taking our kids‘ emotions serious and validating them no matter what, really is a new thing. We had to just be good and follow orders, who cared how we felt about things?

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, May 16 2024, 7:12 am

dankbar wrote:

It really makes sense IMHO.

ora_43

Thu, May 16 2024, 8:14 am

essie14 wrote:

Right??

BH AFAIK I've never met anyone petty enough to not share a recipe or the number for a cleaner who could use extra hours, let alone a repairman's name What

But really it's so weird. Like, even if you assume the person is motivated 100% by selfishness, it still makes no sense not to share your favorite repairman's phone number. Your odds of having him available to do repairs for you personally are a lot higher if his business succeeds than if you try to limit his pool of customers.

dankbar

Thu, May 16 2024, 8:49 am

yellowroses wrote:

Exactly.

That's what he says they started on the physical work of rebuilding, and we're continuing the work, where they left off, what they didn't finish, and were completing the work to get ready for Moshiach, exiting galus and entering geulah, is happening now with our healing, so basically it's the same project.

He says when moshiach comes instead of we be upset at parents, and parents on us why we're listening to out kids, and reversing what they taught us, we will smile at each others for being partners, of starting and completing the work.

dankbar

Thu, May 16 2024, 8:54 am

You also forgot, how to deal with our emotions, our parents emotions, our kids emotions, we were also left to deal with the social pressure of everything being perfect, our houses museums, balabustes, making the best dishes, and most elegant Yom tov food, and matching clothing.

Live up to the peer pressure as a generation plus live up to our parents expectations and image.

That's why we're all a mask and can't expose our feelings, and weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, because it's a sign of weakness.

That's when we get people who won't share even who their painter is, because you have to fit in, but also be exclusive to outdo others.

If your house won't be the fanciest,, mommy won't be be happy.

zaq

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:42 am

I think it shows a desire to be top dog in some category. To be able to say "I have the best ________ and you don't ."
As if having a great painter, accountant or hairdresser means that I, too, am superior. It's pathetic, evidence that they think so little of themselves that they have to build themselves up in this juvenile way. It's a lot like name-dropping, as if having seen a celebrity passing by or having a neighbor whose daughter-in-law works for somebody famous means that you too, are "someone."

The other aspect, is not wanting others to compete. If you patronize my dressmaker or sheitelmacher, you'll have dresses or sheitels as stylish as mine. Worse, they'll probably look better on you than on me. If I give you the name of my part time cleaner, not only will your house be fancier than mine, which it is already, but now it will also be as clean as mine, and I will no longer have anything to feel superior about. Plus, chances are you'll offer her more hours and she'll leave me in the lurch, in which case your house will be both fancier and cleaner than mine, in which case I will not only not be superior but I will be inferior in every way.

Yes, very sad.