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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
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amother
Ginger
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 Tue, May 21 2024, 6:27 pm
| Bubby6 wrote: | One special kid = 6 regular kids
Fact. |
This
My DD handles 5 kids fine. Put in the mix the one kid that’s ASD and ADHD and 5 adults isn’t enough.
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amother
Lightyellow
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Tue, May 21 2024, 6:57 pm
| amother Amaranthus wrote: | | I wish I could have had more kids, I just realized all my kids are ND and we were not managing so we had to stop. Lots of grieving in therapy going on. |
Same, I'm sad all the time about it
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amother
OP
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Tue, May 21 2024, 7:31 pm
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I'm a bt. If I told my family I'm upset bc I want more kids but can't handle it now, they would think I'm insane. They already think 3 is a lot and they are so happy for us that we have 3 healthy children. But in the frum world most of my peers are on number 4 or getting to 5 and I feel like a nebach. My son appears so "normal" so people don't even get it. It's so upsetting.
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amother
Royalblue
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Tue, May 21 2024, 7:34 pm
I feel you, OP. I’m one of those who have kids spaced very far apart too for the same reasons you mentioned. One of my kids has high functioning autism, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder (literally textbook, EVERY dsm-v symptom!), and pathological demand avoidance. Plus mood dysregulation.
He is not the “cute” impulsive bouncy ball of bright energy kind of ADHD, or the socially awkward, sensitive mini professor kind of autistic who loves building elaborate Lego sets, info dumping about his science knowledge or gedolim, or spending hours reading about special interests. Nope. He’s the unpredictable ticking time bomb bumbling mass of impulses 0-300 hair trigger temper overly pessimistic kind of kid whom you dread coming home from school because dealing with him is burdensome and so very draining of all your koach. There’s predictable and unpredictable triggers, never know what might set him off next. Now add rigidity and black and white thinking to that. He doesn’t have a single friend. Literally. Not even 1.
There’s nobody for him to play with because nobody wants to play with him and he ends up getting banned from peoples houses with no explanation.
Can’t go away for shabbos or yom tov because he is extremely particular about food, cannot fall asleep in others homes, and his temper flares when he’s hungry, bored, or if another kid cheppers him. We have relatives or friends who keep asking us to come for shabbos. What they don’t realize is that if we do, they will regret it and not want us back ever again.
I get looks whenever I answer how old my kids are. They’re all several years apart. We have a small family. People who are married as long as I am have many more kids. It can feel awkward at times. BH after several years we were FINALLY able to have a baby, but those several years of waiting were so incredibly painful. Once during that time, a neighbor asked my daughter when I’m due. My daughter informed her that im not pregnant. She was like “are you suuuure?” I was most certainly not, and I felt so mortified. It also added to my heavy heart and pain because I so very badly wanted to have a baby. I stopped taking walks for a long time after that.
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amother
OP
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Tue, May 21 2024, 7:42 pm
| amother Royalblue wrote: | I feel you, OP. I’m one of those who have kids spaced very far apart too for the same reasons you mentioned. One of my kids has high functioning autism, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder (literally textbook, EVERY dsm-v symptom!), and pathological demand avoidance. Plus mood dysregulation.
He is not the “cute” impulsive bouncy ball of bright energy kind of ADHD, or the socially awkward, sensitive mini professor kind of autistic who loves building elaborate Lego sets, info dumping about his science knowledge or gedolim, or spending hours reading about special interests. Nope. He’s the unpredictable ticking time bomb bumbling mass of impulses 0-300 hair trigger temper overly pessimistic kind of kid whom you dread coming home from school because dealing with him is burdensome and so very draining of all your koach. There’s predictable and unpredictable triggers, never know what might set him off next. Now add rigidity and black and white thinking to that. He doesn’t have a single friend. Literally. Not even 1.
There’s nobody for him to play with because nobody wants to play with him and he ends up getting banned from peoples houses with no explanation.
Can’t go away for shabbos or yom tov because he is extremely particular about food, cannot fall asleep in others homes, and his temper flares when he’s hungry, bored, or if another kid cheppers him. We have relatives or friends who keep asking us to come for shabbos. What they don’t realize is that if we do, they will regret it and not want us back ever again.
I get looks whenever I answer how old my kids are. They’re all several years apart. We have a small family. People who are married as long as I am have many more kids. It can feel awkward at times. BH after several years we were FINALLY able to have a baby, but those several years of waiting were so incredibly painful. Once during that time, a neighbor asked my daughter when I’m due. My daughter informed her that im not pregnant. She was like “are you suuuure?” I was most certainly not, and I felt so mortified. It also added to my heavy heart and pain because I so very badly wanted to have a baby. I stopped taking walks for a long time after that. |
Oy I'm sorry. That is so hard. A lot of what you said resonates deeply with me. My son is very good at masking. He turns into the nasty and moody mess around us so people don't understand when I say he is difficult. Even his teachers don't find him nearly as challenging as we do.
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amother
Lime
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Tue, May 21 2024, 7:45 pm
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Homeopathy has helped us so much with anxiety and sleep. Let me know if you want to know more.
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amother
Watermelon
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Tue, May 21 2024, 7:58 pm
| amother Amaranthus wrote: | | I wish I could have had more kids, I just realized all my kids are ND and we were not managing so we had to stop. Lots of grieving in therapy going on. |
same!! I wiiiiiish for a large family. but 2/3 have asd...cant handle another with asd....my 1 nt child gave me perspective how the rest of the world manages with large families and I struggle with 3. I can do 10 of her any day!!
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Happydance
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Tue, May 21 2024, 8:07 pm
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And I’m going to guess that many of the posters who have children with ASD also have a husband with ASD which is its own challenge
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amother
Cappuccino
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Tue, May 21 2024, 8:08 pm
My son is like this too, pandas and anxiety, possibly hfasd as well.
What helped with the sleep was homeopathy. I remember what a nightmare it was when he used to be up for hours at night and said he can't fall asleep.
Hatzlacha op, I hope things turn around in some miraculous way very soon. 
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CPenzias
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Tue, May 21 2024, 9:16 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I know. But ppl don't think that. They just seem 3 and think..oh...only 3 kids |
I have "only" 2. One put us through the ringer and it was hard for a long time. Give yourself grace
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amother
OP
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Tue, May 21 2024, 9:25 pm
| amother Cappuccino wrote: | My son is like this too, pandas and anxiety, possibly hfasd as well.
What helped with the sleep was homeopathy. I remember what a nightmare it was when he used to be up for hours at night and said he can't fall asleep.
Hatzlacha op, I hope things turn around in some miraculous way very soon. |
Would love to hear more
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amother
Bergamot
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Tue, May 21 2024, 9:29 pm
I can relate too!
I have 3 kids, BH.
My middle dd is SN and the only way I can explain it to people ( people who care, like family and close friends ) Kia that it’s like having a newborn, a toddler, a teenager and an elderly person all wrapped into one !!
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TwinsMommy
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Tue, May 21 2024, 11:15 pm
Twins with intense special needs and after years of thinking it will all calm down and then I'll have more kids.... I gave up and decided that each of my kids is like 6 typical kids so at 12 kids I'm done. I JUST have the twins and they're now 17 and nothing has ever calmed down. My daughter masks pretty well on the outside so nobody knows what she's like at home. My son will throw megafits everywhere including plenty of aggression.
To calm my need for more babies/toddlers, I became a playgroup sub. I still work my business as well and shlepp my teens to all their doc appts but decided I needed something that would satisfy that itch in me. Bonus is I don't have to wake up during the night for the babies I cuddle during the day.
I blog if anyone wants to follow my crazy life. I don't blog often enough because.... spare time? what's that? http://sortedmegablocks.wordpress.com
I made a blog post years ago about walking through a parking lot with my two and how I was SWEATING trying to control them both and my friend with a whole bunch of typical kids walked by--- it was such a light bulb moment for me about how my kids are NOT typical at ALL.
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amother
Calendula
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Tue, May 21 2024, 11:27 pm
| amother Amaranthus wrote: | | I want to commiserate. I have 4 children very spaced apart. The oldest has ADHD and anxiety. The next 2 have ADHD and autism. The youngest is too young to tell but is already showing signs. Everyone in my community my age has 8+ kids and are always commenting on my just 4 kids. I am not managing. I go to sleep crying so often. I do not have it easy, it's hard hard hard. My husband sometimes works out of town too. I am not one of those my special kids are such a brocha kind of moms, I struggle big time. |
I have /had kids with ASD, ADHD, Anxiety, Bipolar, other serious mental illness including a suicide. I relate.
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Crookshanks
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Tue, May 21 2024, 11:36 pm
| TwinsMommy wrote: | Twins with intense special needs and after years of thinking it will all calm down and then I'll have more kids.... I gave up and decided that each of my kids is like 6 typical kids so at 12 kids I'm done. I JUST have the twins and they're now 17 and nothing has ever calmed down. My daughter masks pretty well on the outside so nobody knows what she's like at home. My son will throw megafits everywhere including plenty of aggression.
To calm my need for more babies/toddlers, I became a playgroup sub. I still work my business as well and shlepp my teens to all their doc appts but decided I needed something that would satisfy that itch in me. Bonus is I don't have to wake up during the night for the babies I cuddle during the day.
I blog if anyone wants to follow my crazy life. I don't blog often enough because.... spare time? what's that? http://sortedmegablocks.wordpress.com
I made a blog post years ago about walking through a parking lot with my two and how I was SWEATING trying to control them both and my friend with a whole bunch of typical kids walked by--- it was such a light bulb moment for me about how my kids are NOT typical at ALL. |
I just checked out your blog and I love it. Thanks for linking 🧡
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amother
Yarrow
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Tue, May 21 2024, 11:43 pm
| amother Royalblue wrote: | I feel you, OP. I’m one of those who have kids spaced very far apart too for the same reasons you mentioned. One of my kids has high functioning autism, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder (literally textbook, EVERY dsm-v symptom!), and pathological demand avoidance. Plus mood dysregulation.
He is not the “cute” impulsive bouncy ball of bright energy kind of ADHD, or the socially awkward, sensitive mini professor kind of autistic who loves building elaborate Lego sets, info dumping about his science knowledge or gedolim, or spending hours reading about special interests. Nope. He’s the unpredictable ticking time bomb bumbling mass of impulses 0-300 hair trigger temper overly pessimistic kind of kid whom you dread coming home from school because dealing with him is burdensome and so very draining of all your koach. There’s predictable and unpredictable triggers, never know what might set him off next. Now add rigidity and black and white thinking to that. He doesn’t have a single friend. Literally. Not even 1.
There’s nobody for him to play with because nobody wants to play with him and he ends up getting banned from peoples houses with no explanation.
Can’t go away for shabbos or yom tov because he is extremely particular about food, cannot fall asleep in others homes, and his temper flares when he’s hungry, bored, or if another kid cheppers him. We have relatives or friends who keep asking us to come for shabbos. What they don’t realize is that if we do, they will regret it and not want us back ever again.
I get looks whenever I answer how old my kids are. They’re all several years apart. We have a small family. People who are married as long as I am have many more kids. It can feel awkward at times. BH after several years we were FINALLY able to have a baby, but those several years of waiting were so incredibly painful. Once during that time, a neighbor asked my daughter when I’m due. My daughter informed her that im not pregnant. She was like “are you suuuure?” I was most certainly not, and I felt so mortified. It also added to my heavy heart and pain because I so very badly wanted to have a baby. I stopped taking walks for a long time after that. |
Sending love to to you. One of my kids is so similar and what you wrote really resonates with me.
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amother
Navy
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Wed, May 22 2024, 3:09 am
| amother OP wrote: | VENT
My oldest is HF ASD and ADHD. His sleep has been horrible lately. He takes stuff for sleep but he's been waking up at night for hours on end. Says he can't fall back asleep. Then my husband goes away for work and last night he woke up 3 times, was obsessed with the door being open and then was up from 12:30-3. Got everyone else up and took my toddler out of his crib. Talked to psych today and figured okay we'll try new meds for sleep and strategies. Then I get a call, hi your son threw up today we have been trying to call you he can't come back for 24 hours. Of course. I don't think he's sick. I Def think it's his anxiety. Anyway...I told my husband he needs to come home. He said it was fine. But I feel like a total and complete failure. There are people who manage 6 kids with no husband around etc etc and I'm home with 3 for one night and call my husband crying. My oldest is going to kill me. My nerves are so shot. And I so desperately want things to calm down so we can finally have another baby
Sigh... |
The people managing six kids alone don't have to deal with the **** you're dealing with from your HFASD kid.
Sleep issues often come with ASD.
In addition to changing his medication, try making sure he showers before sleeping and maybe get him a weighted blanket.
Anyone who comments to you is invited to parent your child in their home for three weeks. And then you'll see how well they manage and you'll also get respite from him and your entire home will benefit.
How old is this child?
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amother
Navy
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Wed, May 22 2024, 3:14 am
| Happydance wrote: | | And I’m going to guess that many of the posters who have children with ASD also have a husband with ASD which is its own challenge |
Or they themselves are ASD, which has its own challenges.
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amother
Lime
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Wed, May 22 2024, 9:14 am
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I know you didn't quote my post but I also wrote we also use homeopathy to help with sleep and anxiety. We go through Resilience naturopathic, they're a virtual health practice and specialize in asd. It can help with many other asd symptoms. Other names to look into are grant Bentley and Alan Freestone
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amother
Wine
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Wed, May 22 2024, 4:43 pm
I found with some kids that melatonin helps them fall asleep but then they’re up in the middle of the night.
Also it’s nice that our community is so family oriented but the pressure to have large families is really hard on a lot of people.
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