married guy made a comment about my hat...

mumoo

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:25 am

I was going to agree wholeheartedly with wif, about considering the source. Because I too am very uncomfortable with such comments and where I live there are those who see no problem with men/woman conversations. So I usually take into account different intentions and hashkafos...

but now I'm thinking, why don't these men have to take MY intentions and hashkafos and DISCOMFORT into account?

Clarissa

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:31 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Clarissa wrote:

If a guy I once dated said that my hat is cute, I'd either think that he'd changed teams (the word cute making me wonder) or I'd think that I have a really cute hat, and I'd enjoy the complement. Getting a compliment from an ex can be great for the ego.

As everyone else said, it depends on what the norm is for your community.

when you say switched teams, do you mean wanting s/o other than his wife or that he may be gay? sorry I just dont undersyand that.

for me a compliment from an ex would not be an ego booster for me, it would feel abd did, weird.

and how should I know what the norm is here? ive never heard any other guy say such a thing.

I was kind of kidding about the team thing, but most straight men I know don't say "cute hat," using the word cute. I guess they might use a different adjective, but I don't want to be nitpicky. Anyway, it takes all kinds. I was mostly kidding, anyway.

If it feels weird, I think you still need to understand whether this kind of chitchat is normal for your crowd. If it's not, you might want to say something, but it's not necessary to say it in a rude, clipped way. If it is acceptable for a man (even an ex) to offer a compliment to a woman, then it's just making you uncomfortable, but it's not really stepping over a line. In that case, I'd just say thanks, and hope he doesn't do it again. Then, if he did continue these kinds of conversations, you could gently say, "I appreciate the compliment, but I feel a little uncomfortable with this interaction."

If it's not the community norm and he is stepping over a line, you could say the same thing, but with a look that dictates that you think he's being inappropriate. Either way, you don't need to do anything dramatic or embarrassing for him.

shosh

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:50 am

I personally think that the problem here is not so much that the remark was made by a man, even though that's also not strictly appropriate, but that he was someone you dated in the past. And the fact that he has said stuff to you and/or you dh is indicative of something a little unhealthy. Even though he probably has no intention of doing anything inappropriate, his whole way of behaving here is out of order. With exes, it's better to give each other a wide berth if possible.

I would say that you should try silencing him with a look if there is a next time, or doing what Zufriedene said, and make an assertive remark to the effect that you do not think this is appropriate and would prefer that he left you alone.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:56 am

shosh wrote:

I personally think that the problem here is not so much that the remark was made by a man, even though that's also not strictly appropriate, but that he was someone you dated in the past. And the fact that he has said stuff to you and/or you dh is indicative of something a little unhealthy. Even though he probably has no intention of doing anything inappropriate, his whole way of behaving here is out of order. With exes, it's better to give each other a wide berth if possible.
I would say that you should try silencing him with a look if there is a next time, or doing what Zufriedene said, and make an assertive remark to the effect that you do not think this is appropriate and would prefer that he left you alone.

id love that, but we live on the same road as eachother, kind of hard to never see him. I wish we didnot live as close to eachother as we did, but thats life, unfortunately.

Purplehair

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 9:01 am

Personally, I would probably be happy/flattered regarding the compliment. Then again, I don't have your unique perspective as I have never dated anyone besides my DH. I'm the type that would find it rude if a person on the street wouldn't respond "Good Shabbos" to my greeting, so casual male/female banter doesn't make me uncomfortable.
However, it obviously bothers you a great deal. I think those posters who advised that you nicely tell him off (I.e. "Please don't make comments/talk to me again since I am uncomfortable with it") were probably on the right track. Then again, that would mean you would have to speak with him. Would you be able to do such under those circumstances?

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 9:19 am

Purplehair wrote:

ok, so you really can not say if you would be flattered or not as you never had an ex.
not saying shabbat shalom is NOT the same at all as a male that is not your husband telling you that you look cute in your hat.
male female banter does not make me uncomfortable either, but this was different than just banter.
no, I can not just go over to him or call him and tell him not to do it again. I will have to wait till he does it again. oy.

amother

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 1:00 pm

My DH used to compliment other women in front of me and I thought it was disgusting. I can tell you, I was so upset I wanted to divorce him over it. Now that I know him a lot better I can tell you he meant nothing at all by it, 100% sure of that, and he just thought it was a way to be polite and friendly. Still I think it is VERY inappropriate, and it hurt me very badly, and boy did I let him know it! No good comes out of complimenting another women. You should do this guy a favor and say "A wise person[that would be me] once told me that no good comes out of complimenting another man's wife..." Say it in a friendly way so no feelings are hurt and no awkwardness created, and he should hopefully get the message!

Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 3:51 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

do you thinkthat I am over reacting by feeling that this comment was WAY over the line? I feel so strange.

I'm not comfortable in general "chit chatting" with other men but even if I were to make any sort of allowance I still would find it highly inappropriate for a guy to comment on a woman's attire and appearance.

amother

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:13 pm

It is inappropriate.
Dh keeps a picture of me on his desk (from our engagement days). Some frum guy commented on how, "hey, you have a cute wife." My husband was not happy about that. I wonder if my picture is still there or whether it's stuffed in some drawer.
Men should not comment on women's appearances.
I have a creepy in-law relative that commented after my first baby "you look good, amother."
ughhhh. And he has said other creepy things to me in the past. Along with creepy looks. He is not welcome in my house.

Raisin

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:30 pm

What I meant about dating is that I went out with some people once or twice. I would not recognise them if I bunped into them. We certainly didn't have any deep meaningful relationship.

As for your neighbour, it could be he is just a little naive/socially awkward in which case, nicely let him know that it is not appropriate.

And, what does this hat look like? I want one.

mandksima

Mon, Sep 15 2008, 2:46 am

Raisin wrote:

And, what does this hat look like? I want one.

HA HA

It took 34 posts on an all-female forum to finally ask about the hat? I'm shocked.

Anyway, I'd feel uncomfortable too. Once a couple was walking behind us after we ate lunch with them and the man commented on how he liked my shoes. I felt very funny and I felt badly for his wife who was right there and must have felt uncomfortable. That was in a modern community and I still think there is no place for that kind of compliment. A man should compliment the meal maybe but not a physical characteristic of the woman or her clothes (which prove he was looking at her carefully. Makes me feel weird.)

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 15 2008, 3:07 am

Raisin wrote:

in this case, we went out for about a month and a half, it was very serious, but then I broke up with him for many different reasons (I am NOT going to get into that here) so, no, it was not a guy I went out with one time. so it feels VERY awkward.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Sep 15 2008, 4:37 am

ChossidMom wrote:

I think we all agree that it is very awkward and improper.
I think the only way to stop it is to take action and say something to him "next time". Also, you can try to avoid him, if possible.

I wish avoidance was possible. he seeks me out, but yeah "next time" I will try to get up the courage and say something. I keep on thinking that if my husband would have heard, it would be much easier as he could have said s/t, but he was not even near me at the time.