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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 8:01 pm
amother wrote: | Quote: | Dh says he thinks she will be disappointed but get over it and happily come a different week when it can work. |
I cannot tell you how many times my dh has been wrong about how the women in his family will react to something! |
LOL! I think that I'm thinking it's a bigger deal than him just because I feel like I need to make it work for the inlaws. However, thus far have been unable to find her accommodations (only possibility right now is an empty apartment and I think she'd be scared to be alone). My own sister I'd have no problem saying it's not a good week. And in terms of how the women in his family will react...I have to trust him on this because they are VERY different than me. Crying and PMS is an EVERY. SINGLE. DAY occurrence in his parents house which is the exact opposite her (he's never seen me cry and I don't get hormonal/PMS etc). He's great at handling them but I don't get how they tick so I can't argue with him.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 8:02 pm
Quote: | but I don't want to do something if its considered that bad |
Who cares what other people think. It's about putting yourself in sil's shoes and thinking how SHE would feel. Can't you understand how hurtful it would be told that YOUR BROTHER CAN'T HOST YOU ON THE RARE EXCITING OPPORTUNITY YOU GET TO COME TO HIS TOWN????? AND TO JUST BE TOLD THAT IT'S A "BAD WEEK"? Seriously you don't understand how this girl would feel?
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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 8:07 pm
Quote: | Crying and PMS is an EVERY. SINGLE. DAY occurrence in his parents house which is the exact opposite her (he's never seen me cry and I don't get hormonal/PMS etc). |
Because you have a personality that isn't so sensitive and you don't get hurt easily, that's exactly why you need to tread carefully with other people. The majority of women are more sensitive than you, and you need to watch yourself carefully because you can hurt them without realizing you did.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 8:10 pm
amother wrote: | Quote: | but I don't want to do something if its considered that bad |
Who cares what other people think. It's about putting yourself in sil's shoes and thinking how SHE would feel. Can't you understand how hurtful it would be told that YOUR BROTHER CAN'T HOST YOU ON THE RARE EXCITING OPPORTUNITY YOU GET TO COME TO HIS TOWN????? AND TO JUST BE TOLD THAT IT'S A "BAD WEEK"? Seriously you don't understand how this girl would feel? |
SIL is "other people" so that's why I care. Many people clearly feel differently than I do and I did when I was in need of invitations. That's why hearing other peoples opinions helps. Now can you get off your high horse and stop shouting?
Personally I would get over it. I've been told that in the past when I was single and the family was away so I needed to find somewhere to go and I had to find other arrangements. It never occurred to me to be hurt or feel bad and I appreciated the invite on the week that worked. She already has somewhere to be but likes this idea better. I definitely wouldn't leave her if she would be stranded but she wont.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 8:10 pm
Quote: | My own sister I'd have no problem saying it's not a good week. |
Yes. That's why it's great to have a sister - they're on the same wavelength as you, and you can be direct without offending them. But a sister-in-law is very very very very very very very different. You have to build this relationship and make sure she feels your warmth and your caring.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 10:18 pm
Why doesn't dh want her to come? And if she's emotional and crying by nature then isn't it more likely that she will be hurt? Also you said you are not sensitive but said you would be really hurt if your dh wanted her to come.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 10:26 pm
amother wrote: | Why doesn't dh want her to come? And if she's emotional and crying by nature then isn't it more likely that she will be hurt? Also you said you are not sensitive but said you would be really hurt if your dh wanted her to come. |
He doesn't want her to come because it's mikvah night and he wants to spend it accordingly.
I don't get cryers that much but from my understanding there isn't always a great explanation for the tears and I don't necessarily think that means they are hurt when they cry (they cry from frustration, hormones, etc). I went through the baby blues for about six weeks after my baby was born and was basically crying 24/7 (apparently did a good job hiding it because he didn't notice). All it took was for the sun to rise to set me off. I wasn't feeling happy and I wasn't feeling sad. I was feeling completely neutral and nothing was bothering me (most of the time) but the water works were constantly going off. I'm guessing it's the same when people PMS or generally speaking cry a lot?
And I never said I'm not sensitive. Also, even non sensitive people get hurt sometimes.
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oliveoil
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Tue, Dec 30 2014, 10:30 pm
You clearly don't want her, have no qualms showing her that, and don't care if you hurt her. You are obviously not interested in making this work - you have turned down every single suggestion anyone has given you. I feel bad for your sister in law, but maybe she's better off without you.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 12:24 am
amother wrote: | He doesn't want her to come because it's mikvah night and he wants to spend it accordingly.
I don't get cryers that much but from my understanding there isn't always a great explanation for the tears and I don't necessarily think that means they are hurt when they cry (they cry from frustration, hormones, etc). I went through the baby blues for about six weeks after my baby was born and was basically crying 24/7 (apparently did a good job hiding it because he didn't notice). All it took was for the sun to rise to set me off. I wasn't feeling happy and I wasn't feeling sad. I was feeling completely neutral and nothing was bothering me (most of the time) but the water works were constantly going off. I'm guessing it's the same when people PMS or generally speaking cry a lot?
And I never said I'm not sensitive. Also, even non sensitive people get hurt sometimes. |
There is definitely a weird dynamic here. Right so you'll have zex. The sister in not even staying in the house, how does her coming for meals mess up mikvah night? I don't get it.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 1:27 am
amother wrote: | I guess I'm most annoyed with the fact that I have to have her because its a good week for her and don't get to take into account that its a very bad week for me. In terms of her coming I'd hate not having dh all Shabbos. [b]We barely see each other during the week and Shabbos is our main quality/cuddle time [/b](yes, I know when baby is older we won't have that but we are enjoying having it now) and having someone all Shabbos is basically giving up half of that for the month.
Btw dh is stalling to give answer because he doesn't want to make it work if I go Friday night. He would want to try if I end up going sat night though which I think is silly because its harder to kick her out early then and I'm sleeping by 10 so I can be functional at my intense job on Sunday. Either way, he's less amenable to it than me but ill totally be the one blamed as being obnoxious if he tells her it's a bad week. |
Based on that peculiar post above , I kinda think that OP herself has issues that render her simply incapable of focusing on anyone's feelings beyond her own .
Many newly related women have a hard time getting along . After reading this I will be cutting the "horrible" MILs that imamothers kvetch about some serious slack from now on . Op you should realize that you do not sound very easy going yourself. Sorry, I am just being honest here
OP simply can't share her DH attention or consider the fact that 17 year old girl will be hurt. I guess it is a skill that comes with maturity and experience.
The problem IMO is not the girl showing up this time.The problem is that you and your DH are taking the concept of "quality time" too literally and not making enough real time to bond beyond Shabbos so if anyone gets in the way you feel hostile and deprived , you too busy or overextended and are cramming the "love" and running on an empty emotional tank .
You must re evaluate the lifestyle .Soon more kids will come B'H and you will have to learn to adapt and not see others as interlopers to a part time marriage created by an overextended lifestyle .
recently 2 MD friends of mine divorced Shabbos every few weeks only quality time was not enough .
I would host the girl though ,I feel is not her fault you guys choose to have such a crazy demanding schedule and she just wants to spend time with the baby who is after all her family ,her niece .
Amother because I am not sure if my MD friend is here.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 5:15 am
I'm taking the OP's side here- I don't think most of the women posting here have worked jobs that take them away from home all evening the whole week. I had such a job my entire shana rishona (though mine was in a hospital and involved frequent Shabbos shifts too). What little non-niddah time I got with DH was extremely precious, and we didn't visit family much that year.
So niddah's not difficult for you? Great! I'm honestly very happy for you- no sarcasm. But if OP does find it very difficult, being told she should give up a day's worth of hugs and cuddles (when she only has two such days a month) really isn't fair.
SIL sounds very sweet but clueless. Even a single should have been able to implicitly understand that right around OP's due date was not a good time to ask herself over, and that shouldn't count against the OP as a refusal.
So this week doesn't work well- OP, do try to find another week that would work better for you and offer an invitation then. Offer them more than once if when you first offer is a week that doesn't work for her. If you are financially comfortable, it would be nice if you offered to pay her bus fare then.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 2:57 pm
Your problem isn't with the mikvah logistics, it's that you're giving up your time with DH. so basically you would only have guests when your a niddah. weird.
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greenfire
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 3:08 pm
amother wrote: | I really do not want to host her mikvah night. If it works out she will have no idea that she is unwanted. |
why don't you just do her a favour and tell her she is unwanted - she'll find out sooner or later ... all problems solved !!!
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Health is a Virture
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 3:22 pm
your shalom bayis comes first. For all those who said to postpone mikvah, you should NEVER postpone mikvah (unless in real extenuating circumstances!). Your husband comes first and that is that. If you are not comfortable with her there than say it like it is. You had a prior engagement planned and this week is just not a good week, but do invite her back in three weeks or whenever is good for you. This way she won't take it personally. And if you are still uncomfortable with her because it is such a small apt then just say it really isn't comfortable. She won't understand perhaps till she is married, but just let it be. Your shalom bayis comes first!! Unless your husband wants his sister there....
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 3:26 pm
you need to be straightforward and tell her that this is a bad week. I had a similar situation where my mil invited herself for a Shabbos and I really didn't want them to come because I had to go to the mikvah. my mil didn't take no for an answer and came and me and my dh "took a walk" that night. it was very stressful and also sort of ruined our mikvah night- but not going would have ruined our night as well.
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Barbara
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 3:45 pm
Health is a Virture wrote: | your shalom bayis comes first. For all those who said to postpone mikvah, you should NEVER postpone mikvah (unless in real extenuating circumstances!). Your husband comes first and that is that. If you are not comfortable with her there than say it like it is. You had a prior engagement planned and this week is just not a good week, but do invite her back in three weeks or whenever is good for you. This way she won't take it personally. And if you are still uncomfortable with her because it is such a small apt then just say it really isn't comfortable. She won't understand perhaps till she is married, but just let it be. Your shalom bayis comes first!! Unless your husband wants his sister there.... |
So let's test this. Its YOUR mother. She doesn't have a car, or doesn't drive. Lives 4 hours away. So getting to your home is a real chore. As a result, she hasn't yet been able to see your first-born daughter, who is about 4 or 5 months old by now. Finally, an opportunity comes. She's going to be nearby. Please, can I spend Shabbat with you?
Now, you can find an empty apartment for her, so she's not sleeping in your apartment. But if she comes, you won't be able to get into bed with your husband, or canoodle on the couch, until 10 pm. And once she comes Shabbat day, you won't be able to canoodle.
Do you say, "Gee, mom, I know you'd like to see the baby, but I'm sure you'll make it here again in a few months. This is just a really bad time for us." Because canoodling comes before mom.
And if your husband suggests that, hey, maybe you should let mom come, do you make it clear that you're quite upset because if he lets anything come between you and mikvah night, he clearly doesn't care enough for you.
Because while OP keeps making excuses as to why she can't go to the mikvah if her SIL is there, they're little more than excuses. It CAN be done. It may not be easy, but it is possible.
Or let's say you live in New York. You're visiting DC for a couple of days, and call a friend. "Let's do lunch." "Oh, sorry, I'm busy. Let's do it next week." Blank stare. Next week? I live in New York, for heaven's sake. If you can't do it, fine. But do you really think I'm coming back that quickly? Its 4 hours away!
In any case, it's 4 or 5 days later by now. I'm pretty sure that SIL will understand exactly what "this isn't a good week" means. And I don't mean that she'll understand that it means that OP is going to the mikvah.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 3:50 pm
I hear you, OP, but not sure why this is so complicated and difficult to sort out. IIRC, you've said that you can't have her sleep in your apartment because it's a 1-bedroom and the couch isn't an option because of your baby, right? So she can only come if you find her another place to sleep. If I've followed everything you wrote-- so far, you've only found an empty apt, which you think she may feel uncomfortable with. So tell her that you've tried to find her a place to sleep and all you found was an empty apt, and ask her if she would like to stay there (acknowledge that you realize that may be uncomfortable for her) and eat by you, or if she'd like to try to find herself another place to sleep, or if she'd like to come a different week. Also warn her that you and dh are tired on Shabbos b/c you work so late all week, so you go to sleep early Fri night and nap whenever you can, so it might not be so fun for her to come b/c you'll be too tired to spend all that much time with her. (Just make sure NOT to say this in a way that makes her feel unwanted - rather, tell her that you want to make sure that she has a fun, not boring, Shabbos and don't want her to be disappointed that you're sleepyheads.)
If she chooses not to come, then great, and make sure to try to work out a different week for her to come.
If she chooses to come and stay in the empty apt or by a friend, then tell her that you'll be resting, taking care of the baby, etc after candle lighting, so she should come an hour after candlelighting (she can go to shul, or you can give her a book to read, or something). For after Fri night meal, you already told her that you go to sleep early, so you can say "so sorry to send you back so early but we're sooo tired *yawn*" and send her back to where she's staying, and you have your time with dh. Shabbos day is short, (assuming you live in a country where it's winter now), so not much time to spend with dh anyhow, but if you want, make your lunch be on the short side and ask her if she minds if dh and you take a nap. Offer that she can go back to where she's staying, or take a walk, or even watch your baby or read on your couch -- and meanwhile you and dh can do whatever you want in your bedroom. And this way you have basically all the time with dh that you would have had without her there, except for meals themselves (which I understand is still time, but...)
If she has a friend she can stay by, then that makes things easier -- you don't have to feel bad about sending her away so soon after meals.
FYI, I'm more newlywed than you are, so I get that part. As a newlywed -- I have siblings who are living away from home in the same city as I live (but not walkable, so they can't come for just a meal), and they love to come for Shabbos/Yom Tov quite often. I don't think we've ever refused them, niddah or not. (although if they asked every week, we probably would refuse sometimes.) Siblings are siblings; we do our best to make them feel welcome.
I don't have as crazy a work schedule as you, so I readily admit I'm having a bit more trouble empathizing with that aspect, and maybe I am underestimating how difficult it is for you. Sorry if that's the case.
If dh is really set on not having her, and letting her come will ruin your shalom bayis, then ignore me, and invite her another week soon. But this really sounds like a doable situation to me.
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