Mil sleeps in | Imamother

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:45 am

amother OP wrote:

MIL would be horrfied if DH didn't go to shul!! chalilah!!!
he leaves as late as possible and comes running home to help me.

its not thats im sick and need the help.

and yes, I am alone every shabbos. and its always a challenge, but when my kids are in their own home there is a comfort to the toys etc.. they don't have that at MIL house.

Not to skip shul. Daven neitz with his father, then come home after. He can be home before 10.

Ima_Shelli

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:46 am

amother OP wrote:

thanks for sharing your views.

yes, I am so lucky to have my mother as a role model. the most unselfish person out there. and I hope to emulate her and be like her when im a MIL, and grandmother.

I am so not about the "paid my dues as a mother already". so not my way of thinking. so I see its hard to see how someone can know im having a challenging time but "she already paid her dues as a mother" so shell just relax and sleep in. I've seen her wake up early when she wants to. when it comes to her special work out class, she can be up at 7am. but to help her dil? no, you're right, she already paid her dues.

I know you are all gonna yell and said im so unreasonable. thats fine. I'm sorry for your DIL's.
before you critize me, just stop and think. think what you can do for others even if you already paid your dues. and yes, this is how I live my life. I have set boundries, but I try very hard to help someone who is having a hard time. chessed goes a long long way.

paid dues is the one of the most selfish excuses.

also, I think its a deeper issue. I see this is many areas of her life. she simply does what works for her when she wants. I can't go on to give examples. I don't know if she is on her. but its beyond hurtful.

With all due respect, she’s hosting your entire family for shabbos. That’s not called being selfish.

121

amother

Mauve

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:47 am

Our point is that it’s an extra. It’s a chessed. Not a regular expectation, but someone going out of their way to be nice to someone. Chessed isn’t obligatory as far as I’m aware so your anger here is out of proportion.

Try focusing on yourself and your acceptance of who your mil is so you’ll become a better person. Your mil’s personal growth are your mother in law’s business. Your job is to have a positive attitude and appreciate what she does do.

amother

Maple

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:49 am

amother OP wrote:

I live far away from our families.

We don't get to see them often at all.

2 weeks ago we were finally able to get to my in laws for shabbos. My in laws are empty nesters. they love their grandkids but don't get to see them often. I have a good relationship with them too bh.

it took me 2 weeks to come on here to ask this question, bc I still cant get over it.

every single time we go there for shabbos, we are usually joined by dh's other siblings. there could be 20 kids in the house of varying ages all at one time. its def a party, and the kids of all ages are well entertained.

this was the first time there were no other families with us. just us.

my FIL goes to shul very early in the mornig (neitz) and then goes to a shiur, a chavursa and the shul kiddish. he doesn't come home until close to 1pm for the seuda.

my dh is also gone for shul all morning (not neitz, reg minyan). there is only one shul in the neighbrohood and its very slow. he came back right after shul but it was still 12pm.

I have a newborn who wakes up super super early, and then the rest of my gang wakes up usually by 8am. my mil didn't come downstairs until 11:15! I was by myself, ALL morning, taking care of my kids with zero help, having to keep them quiet so mil doesnt wake up. I thought maybe she didn't sleep well.. nope, she said she had a great night sleep. she didn't even recognize the fact that I was all alone all morning. no questioning if it was hard for me. I don't know why, but why wouldnt she want to help me? I hope never to be like that when I host my married children. I don't need her waking up at 8am. but at least 10? showing that she cares and wants to help me?

she only helps when it works for her.

my mother is always down at 8am to help her married daughters/daughtr in laws. she just wants to help. even if shes not up to watching all the kids alone, but at least theres another adult around to help then young mom with her kids.

I guess this is just a vent. I know ppl work differently. im just so frustrated. I hope to never be like that.

I guess my in laws have a different dynamic. Very open blunt etc. my husband would just knock on their door and ask if they can help w baby or toddler. (In laws are up anyways at the crack of dawn and they sit and eat breakfast so this doesn’t rly happen that we need to ask for their help). But idk we’re chilled and they don’t mind helping in the morning.

mig100

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:50 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree op. I think its very odd. If I have guests, I would feel responsible to serve them breakfast, make sure they have what they need, are comfortable etc. Its part of hosting.

Of course the mother is responsible to take care of her kids. The hosts is responsible to make sure they have what they need

I dont know if I would wake up the minute they get up. I wouldnt expect a host to be up at the crack of dawn.

11;15 is pretty late. And im not an early riser

Im not judging her. I just hope to do better

Goody2shoes

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:50 am

amother OP wrote:

no one's telling him to skip shul, and it's not her place to be horrified. You need to do what works for you and try to help yourself instead of expecting help from her
Bring along your own toys if you need them. Have your husband stay with you, make it easier on yourself.

amother

Celeste

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:50 am

I'm not following this at all.
Why is her wanting to sleep in more selfish than your wanting her to get up early?
What is hurtful about her not offering to go above and beyond to wake up early to take care of her grandchildren?
FWIW my mil would never dream of getting up early to take care of my kids. They're my kids and my responsibility. Nothing to do with paying dues. This is a chesed which you would like her to do. Maybe she does plenty other chasadim but not this one. I would be pretty sure that it never entered her head to get up early to take care of your kids for you. Why should she? Did you ask her to help and she said no?

It isn't about being selfish. It's just a focus in a different place.

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:50 am

amother OP wrote:

I know you are all gonna yell and said im so unreasonable. thats fine. I'm sorry for your DIL's.
before you critize me, just stop and think. think what you can do for others even if you already paid your dues. and yes, this is how I live my life. I have set boundries, but I try very hard to help someone who is having a hard time. chessed goes a long long way.

paid dues is the one of the most selfish excuses.

also, I think its a deeper issue. I see this is many areas of her life. she simply does what works for her when she wants. I can't go on to give examples. I don't know if she is on her. but its beyond hurtful.

But you're not doing this right here. Your mil is obviously extremely tired to be sleeping so late, why don't you want her to get the sleep she needs?

Ima_Shelli

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:50 am

amother OP wrote:

dh is up way before neitz helping me with the newborn.

I would never ask for mil to wake up so I can go back to sleep. just some company? shes a huge help when she wants to be.

and don't go on saying its not selfish bc shes hosting us for shabbos.

she begged us to come.

I realize how lucky I am to have grown up with a role model like my mother. sorry most of you don't have that. sorry for your children as well.

My mother is like your mother, and my MIL is more like your MIL. Still, comparing one to the other and appreciating one more than the other is not going to help you in the long run. I say this to myself too. Just try to focus on what each is doing for the positive and you’ll probably be a lot happier.

amother

Maple

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:50 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help so you can go back to sleep. This is one morning for your mil sacrificing some sleep- for you this is every single morning/ night. You’re allowed a break and extra sleep when you’re by them. I once saw something on a social media page about not feeling bad when parents or I laws let’s say babysit over night and they have a bad sleep- it’s ONE night! For us parents it can be very single night. We’re allowed to ask for help. Sleep deprivation is hard.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:51 am

amother OP wrote:

My mother wakes up with the kids when she can, she’s going through menopause and has a hard time sleeping so she sleeps late when her body lets her. She doesn’t tell the daughters in law that but she told me. Your mother in law may be going through menopause too, she probably wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you about it so she may have said she slept fine even though she didn’t.

She’s a big help when she wants to be? Good! That’s what she should be.

amother

Almond

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:52 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m really sorry for your MIL, for how much she’s being judged by you. A mother is not required to make herself a shmatte for her children. And that does not make her a bad mother.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:52 am

Quote:

this.

thank you.

but I wasnt even asking to go back to sleep. and then I get comments about not taking care of myself.

MIL's out there-- keep your comments to yourself

amother

Maple

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:52 am

[quote="amother Salmon"]She probably didn't even think of it. Or maybe she needs to sleep more, she's older and probably wouldn't be able to enjoy Shabbos and the grandkids if she didn't get a good night's sleep.[/quote she can also take a nap
I think if you’re inviting your kids over and begging them to come- you have to realize you may not get as much sleep on Shabbos as your normally do. She’ll be fine and can catch up on her sleep once everyone leaves- her dil won’t be able to necessarily catch up in the same way with a newborn.